So ends the week where all the television networks lecture us on how to live more “green” lifestyles.  The irony of a multimillion dollar corporation like General Electric (owner of NBC) shaming people into using less toilet paper is just too rich for words.

This last week gave me the opportunity to do a little soul-searching as to how I can save the environment.  This introspection wasn\’t really necessary, as my dedication to receipt reform to save our valuable trees has been second to none.  I figure my carbon bank is full.

But here’s a bonus recommendation:  wouldn’t it make more sense if public bathrooms got rid of the automatic laser flushers for urinals?  Think about it – for whatever reason, probably only half the public restroom users actually flush when they’re done going “#1.”  Maybe they’re germophobes that don’t like touching the handle, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they think the urinal cake will take care of the smell, or whatever.

But by having the automatic flushers, you guarantee that everyone there is flushing every time.  Most people probably agree that we could get away with only flushing every other time – so while the automatic flushers may be a nice convenience, they’re killing our sensitive ecosystems.  Each time you flush in an airport bathroom, a tear rolls down the cheek of a baby seal.

As my own earth-saving protest, every time I go into a bathroom with automatic flushers, I’m going to sit on the floor and try to make it into the urinal from there, just so I can avoid the oppressive watchful eye of the little red laser.  Or I’ll hang from the ceiling, Mission Impossible-style, with a complex system of mirrors to divert the lasers.  Big brother doesn’t need to know when I have to pee.

And for the Sierra Club, I am available to receive an award for this idea at any time.  Just call my people.

(SIDE NOTE:  When I was a little kid, it seemed like the possibilities for lasers were endless – they ranged from slicing Darth Vader in half with a lightsaber to shooting down Russian spy planes.  But it appears that the only good lasers have actually done in my lifetime is to determine when someone has just finished dropping a deuce in a public bathroom.  Get these scientists some damn stimulus funds – I want a lightsaber, dammit!)