A Stimulating Announcement

Dear Wisconsin Citizens:

An ill wind blows in America these days. People are fed up, and they want REAL CHANGE.

That is why, today, I am making it official: I am running for Congress in Wisconsin’s 10th District.

Trust me, I know the people of the 10th District. I have lived in this district every day of my life – or at least every day that I knew the district existed*. I feel the pain of the hardworking people in my district who are fed up with the job loss. The fine people of the 10th District deserve better representation than they’re getting, and I plan to knock on every door in the district over the next year.

We all remember earlier this year, when the economy was going in the toilet and George W. Bush stood by and did NOTHING. In fact, from the websites I read, he was nowhere near Washington D.C. at the time the wildly successful stimulus package was being carefully debated in April. He wasn\’t there when I fought for the $120,000 grant to the 10th Congressional District when the bill was passed. And sure, it\’s not as much as the $1.2 million the lucky bastards in Wisconsin’s 55th District got, or even the $202,000 received by the citizens of the 00th District, but I supported it all along. I should get all the credit. That’s me – kicking ass, saving jobs for the people of the 10th.

Now, I understand people will laugh. They may say things like “hey, aren’t all the things you’re running on complete and abject failures?” and “doesn’t Wisconsin only have eight congressional districts?” But I’m sick and tired of the naysayers. It’s this kind of negativity that has brought our country down, and I will not be deterred.

As esteemed Mayor of Baltimore Tommy Carcetti once said, “let me double down on that.” Not only will I reject any suggestion that the 10th District might be imaginary (when I look out my window, I see houses – are those people imaginary, too?), I will feed off that negativity and become stronger. I have the government documents to prove it.

In order to show I’m a serious candidate, I have sent my daughter’s boyfriend out to pose for Playgirl. I figure this will give me the elevated profile that I need to convince people that I’ve done my homework on foreign affairs and the economy. I have also enlisted ACORN to get my voters to the polls – their effort in getting an egg salad sandwich elected to Wisconsin’s 576th Congressional District last year shows they’re ready for the challenge.

Together, we can do this. Everyone knows that citizens of the 10th District RULE! (Especially since it’s common knowledge that people in the 3rd District kind of smell like halibut.) Go 10th!

Si se puede!,

Christian Schneider

Candidate, Wisconsin’s 10th Congressional District

*-Since yesterday.