Shame on both you and me. Here we\’ve been going on, living our daily lives, without recognizing that the single greatest television show in our lifetimes is currently airing deep down on the cable channel dial.

I am talking, of course, about \”My Big Redneck Wedding,\” which currently airs on CMT (formerly known as Country Music Television, I think.) Each episode features a set of two self-described \”rednecks\” planning their wedding – generally on a budget akin to what you spend on pizza every month.

I can\’t do the whole series justice in just one post, but let me describe just one episode, in which Gail and John from Maryland get married:

  • John proposes to Gail by writing \”Marry Me\” in urine on the street.
  • John constructs a wedding arch out of beer cans, which is used in the ceremony.
  • As his wedding gift to his wife, John gets a stuffed animal out of an arcade claw machine.
  • John and Gail get married upstairs in a flea market.
  • Centerpieces are made by stuffing flowers into Budweiser tall boy cans.
  • Before the ceremony, Gail can\’t find her dentures, and John\’s mother offers to lend Gail hers.

Yet the high point of the episode occurs when John sits down with his grandmother to write out his wedding vows. They read as follows:

I wish I could put your love in a locket;
Because you\’re hotter than a hot pocket;
We did it in the back seat, we did it in the zoo;
I don\’t care where we do it, as long as it\’s with you.

Like manna from heaven, YouTube has provided me with a clip of this inspired poet at work. And be sure to catch the last line of the clip, in which I\’m pretty sure John means to say \”Thesaurus.\”

I have about four more episodes waiting for me on TiVo, so I better get to them ASAP. And when you\’re watching with tears streaming down your face, as I was, feel free to cut me a check to thank me for the tip.