In case you were under the impression that Congress isn\’t hard at work, a new U.S. Government Accountability Office (GAO) report demonstrates otherwise. According to the new GAO study conducted at the request of Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK), condom manufacturers have been inadequately labeling their products, giving people a false sense of security when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases. You know, for all those people that read the condom boxes when they\’re conspicuously buried under a pile of gum, soda, and shoe polish up at the cash register.

So sayeth your federal government:

FDA reviewed studies on the relationship between use of male latex condoms and STDs and determined that existing condom labeling did not provide complete information about the effectiveness of condoms in preventing the transmission of certain STDs.

[…]

Among other things, FDA noted that condoms provide less protection against HPV, which can have multiple routes of transmission, than against certain other STDs. However, FDA found that condoms, when used correctly and consistently, can be effective in reducing the risk of transmission. Based on its review, FDA found limitations in existing condom labeling and identified several areas in which improved labeling would help provide reasonable assurance of condoms’ safety and effectiveness.

What the report fails to point out, however, is that condoms can lead to a greatly increased likelihood of your friends hi-fiving you. Seriously – who out there believes that sexual contact of any kind, condoms or not, doesn\’t contain some risk of STD transmittal? If there are people that believe that, they are likely to be the same people that don\’t use condoms because they might get an STD by using one.

I can save the federal government the millions of dollars it likely cost to conduct this nine month study. Here\’s my suggested alternative warning label:

\”WARNING: MAY LEAD TO TEMPORARY AWESOMENESS, FOLLOWED BY DEEP, LASTING REGRET AND UNWANTED PHONE CALLS\”