There’s a topic known to all internet users that doesn’t get nearly the discussion it deserves. In fact, as a worldwide threat, it is second only to al-Qaeda in terms of danger to America. It threatens to bring down the economy and cripple work productivity. I am talking, of course, about the worldwide scourge of penis e-mails.

For some reason, in the past week, I’ve been flooded with these damn e-mails. (And for my own sake, I hope everyone gets these – I would hate to think I am being singled out specifically by the penis enhancement industry.) Just in the last week, I’ve received some of these erudite beauties:

  • tired of pulling your pole? start taking penis pills today
  • In company ladies may declare, that man’s skill as a lover is much more significant, than the length of his willy. But we all know, that privately, they confess to the contrary! In actual fact that massive pen!s is more mighty and exciting! MegaDik will help you to become more competitive as a lover!
  • Believe us, she will appreciate it very much to discover bigger one-eyed python in your pants!
  • stop paying for sex dummy! get all the girls with a big c**k
  • Impressive F***stick!

Notice these Mensa candidates have managed to completely confuse my spam filter by substituting a “!” for the “i” in “penis.” There’s an 80% chance my spam program was written by U.S. border security.

Obviously, someone must reply to these e-mails. Otherwise, why would anyone take the time to send them out to everyone in the world? Again, I hope everyone gets them – otherwise, I’m part of a select “penis database” kept in the basement of the Trilateral Commission, or they’re being sent to me by someone from my health club.

Either way, these e-mails defy any standard of logic. First of all, as I’ve pointed out repeatedly, 98% of the hard work is finding someone who will actually want to be in the same room as your exposed weiner. Once you’ve convinced a woman that you’re not storing anthrax in your penis, it’s pretty much gravy from there on out. Its “tale of the tape” is pretty much a side issue.

That being said, how many guys are like “oh, man, the reason I can’t meet girls is because my crank is too small?” It’s actually more likely because they’re still wearing a digital watch.

Furthermore, who are these hypothetical women that notice your penis size even before you meet? Put it this way – if the first thing a woman sees of yours is your love muscle, you better damn well have your credit card ready.

I’d just love to be there when a guy asks a girl out for the first time, and she says, “You know, Chris, I think you’re a great guy and you’re really smart and funny and everything, but… and I hate to say it… but your one-eyed python just isn’t massive enough for me. In fact, I know this great website…”

On top of that, who are the remaining people in the world that think their “size” can be enhanced by some magic pills purchased on the internet? That’s just crazy. Everyone knows that the only realistic way to “enhance” your manhood is to make all of the furniture in your apartment 20% smaller. Expensive, but effective.

Finally, how is it that with all the people working on worthwhile causes, the only junk e-mails I get are from scam artists? How come I never get spam from the “Save Darfur” people? Yet some guy in his basement working for the penis black market was able to track me down. How is it that the penis pill people have gotten their hands on the most powerful spamming program known to man – shouldn’t this concern us a little bit? This is like Iran having nukes. Is INTERPOL too busy tracking down people copying DVDs in their basements?

Whenever they catch the bastards in charge of flooding my e-mail box with this junk, they better get the stiffest penalties possible.

(Too easy, I know… I could go on all day…)

UPDATE: Honest to God, as I was writing this post, I got the following e-mail:

“If your warrior of love is too small, you may lose this war”