It has been years since I\’ve paid any attention to the Olympics. In fact, since the 1996 games in Atlanta, I\’ve pretty much been openly antagonistic towards the Olympics, and tried to avoid them at all cost.

But this year, I\’ve decided to buy in. Maybe it\’s because I just read David Maraniss\’ excellent book on the 1960 Rome Olympics. Perhaps I need a diversion from the Brett Favre hostage negotiations. Maybe it\’s because I have a secret desire to gaze at Michael Phelps\’ abs. Who knows.

Speaking of Phelps, I was discussing his medal chase with a female friend of mine, and she expressed her undying love for him. I mentioned the fact that he happens to be somewhat ugly, and she indelicately shot back with the following: \”If he can swim, you know what else he can do.\” Is this a common perception by women of swimmers? If this is actually the case, expect a lot more guys to show up at the bank wearing Speedos. (And much more confusion about whether this is some kind of \”stick up.\”)

Also, I think America owes me a debt of gratitude – I am currently holding all of Phelps\’ fat for him. When he gets back to the states, he gets it all back. Right now, it currently resides in my abdomen, on loan.

It was actually just a few minutes ago that the US mounted their miraculous comeback against the braggadocious French in the men\’s freestyle relay. When we won, I let out a yelp of excitement for winning the gold – something I couldn\’t have imagined just three days ago. (In defense of the French, it is hard swimming while wearing a beret and smoking.)

I do, however, have a complaint about the swimming. When they show the female swimmers, it\’s too hard to tell whether they\’re hot or not when they wear the swim caps and goggles. In the absence of any American in the specific heat, is there really any better criteria on which to choose for whom to root? I propose making them wear swim caps that has hair on them that matches what their real hair looks like.

Actually, one of the best parts of the Olympics is watching them with my daughter, and showing her all the sports that women can compete in. She seemed pretty enthralled with women\’s volleyball, which is perfect, since she\’s probably going to be pretty tall (so far, she\’s in the 90th percentile in height for a four-year old.) However, my wife took it a little too far when she suggested women\’s beach volleyball as an option. Not in my lifetime, as long as they continue to wear the nearly invisible bikinis as uniforms. In fact, I did plenty of research on the topic, watching a good 3 hours of women\’s beach volleyball. (And I noticed George W. Bush spent a lot of time knocking the volleyball around himself. His approval rating just skyrocketed to 4%.)

Speaking of presidents, I read that John McCain spent $6 million and Barack Obama $5 million on TV ads during the Olympics. Can\’t they just call it a truce, leave us alone, and let us watch the games in peace?

I love the Home Depot commercials that brag about how many Olympians work at their stores. That\’s just wonderful – maybe when they start giving out medals for \”helping me find a bolt that fits this screw,\” then maybe I\’d be able to get some service around this damn place.

So far, aside from the fatal stabbing, I think China has acquitted itself well. How many medals their teams will will is still an open question. I do guarantee this, however – if they ever held a Pet Olympics, China would have hands-down the fastest dogs.

As a final note, I absolutely detest the predicament steroids has put us viewers in. Take Dara Torres, for instance – she\’s 41 years old, just had a kid, and now she\’s breaking swimming world records. Trust me – I\’ve seen a child emerge from a woman first hand. If another human being ever emerged from my loins, it would take me a decade to be able to balance my checkbook, much less become an Olympic swimmer. So Dara Torres is either the most amazing story we\’ll see during any recent Olympics, or she\’s the most detestable human being alive. And there\’s really no middle ground. And it\’s just sad.

(Incidentally, during an NBC story on Torres, she mentioned that her new baby inspired her to get back in the pool. In fact, she had to get back to making a living, seeing as how John Edwards was late with his support checks.)

Last week, I showed up on Charlie Sykes\’ TV show again. We discuss minimum markup, why government won\’t let me drink, and Trenni Kusnierek.

Watch it here.

And yes, I am aware that my hair remains one of the great mysteries of our time. It looks okay in the mirror beforehand – not sure what happens to it on the way to the set.

Tonight, the incomparable Eef Barzelay will be performing at Cafe Montmartre here in Madison. Show starts at 9, but there\’s an opener. You should totally go.

I know I\’ve posted this before, but here\’s a song Eef performed at Indie Coffee here in Madison a couple years ago:

I know nobody likes having someone push their music on them, but I sincerely believe you will be enchanted. And I know your tastes pretty well.

You may recall the election of 2006, when the issue of stem cell research was at the forefront of political campaigns across the county. At the time, Missouri had a constitutional amendment before the voters that protected embryonic stem cell research – the advertising in favor of which featured Michael J. Fox.

The opposition to the stem cell bill included some Missouri-based celebrities, including current Brewer (and noted God enthusiast) Jeff Suppan:

It\’s fitting that Suppan takes his faith in the Lord so seriously – since I manage to use God\’s name in various creative ways while he\’s pitching.

In 1776, General George Washington began pulling out of New York after the American army suffered a string of humiliating defeats at the hands of the British, and he had a decision to make. Does he leave the City of New York standing for the British to enjoy, or does he burn the place down, so they can\’t occupy it? Before fully retreating, he got a letter from Congress ordering him to leave the city standing. As he would later write to his brother, \”Had I been left to the dictates of my own judgment, New York should have been laid in ashes.\”

Brett Favre has been traded to the New York Jets. And I have to say – I\’m with Washington.

And so it goes. Historians will now remember the humid evening of August 7th, 2008 as the night Brett Favre chose to play for a 4-12 Jets team, virtually guaranteeing an ignominious end to his career. I\’ve written plenty about this nonsense, and there\’s no need to rehash it all here. I just wish I had Doc Brown\’s Delorean so I could climb in, fire up the flux capacitor, and skip having to watch the embarrassment of Favre trying to throw to Jerricho Cotchery and Laveranues Coles. (Although Bubba Franks is on the Jets\’ preseason roster – maybe they can exhume Dorsey Levens and Antonio Freeman for old time\’s sake.)

The biggest winner in Favre\’s move to New York is clearly the drugstore closest to Sports Illustrated writer Peter King\’s house, as he will now be buying a lot of lotion for Brett\’s daily rubdowns.

So as I write this as ESPN is on in the background, it appears they are parading every douchebag, bloodsucking reporter they have out, one by one, explaining how it is Fox Sports scooped them on a story they had 32 people covering. So far, we\’ve seen Sal Paolantonio, Rachel Nichols, Chris Mortensen, and noted \”being washed up\” expert Trent Dilfer chiming in.

Incidentally, all day ESPN kept playing up the interview Rachel Nichols got from Favre outside his plane before he took off from Green Bay this morning. Honest to God – why do we even have a Department of Homeland Security if Rachel Nichols can chase down a plane on a runway?

As a final thought, just remember – the Packers still have the best QB in the NFC North. And absolutely nothing has changed with regard to the Packers\’ roster from March of this year – except that Brett Favre will be playing in another city. No tears were shed when Reggie came back with the Carolina Panthers, and none should be in this case.

Sparking a nationwide party whose scale hasn\’t been seen since Victory in Europe Day in 1945, Americans from coast to coast today celebrated the successful end of the United States\’ 44-year War on Poverty.

Democrat President Lyndon B. Johnson announced his declaration of war on want in his State of the Union Speech on January 8th, 1964. LBJ\’s \”Great Society\” anti-poverty programs expanded upon the legacy of Franklin D. Roosevelt. While FDR\’s \”New Deal\” programs were really just a slap-fight against poverty, it took LBJ\’s bold action to escalate the battle to full-scale warfare.

Heartless conservatives initially derided the War on Poverty and decried its expense. They absurdly suggested that no amount of taxpayer dollars would ever truly end poverty as long as some individuals chose to drop out of school, abuse drugs, join gangs and give birth to children out of wedlock. Those reactionaries who predicted War on Poverty welfare policies would institutionalize a culture of government dependency are eating crow today.

History will not be kind to the conservatives\’ now-discredited assertions that the only real way for an individual to climb out of poverty was through education, gainful employment, marriage and thrift.

\”The Democrats said we could end poverty as long as we spent enough of my money for enough time on government programs,\” said taxpayer Alice Anderson. \”By golly, they were right! Nobody is poor anymore.\”

As it so often has been in its history, the United States was behind the curve on defeating poverty. Wealth redistribution and forced collectivization in places like the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and communist China ended poverty in these countries decades ago.

On the campaign trail today, Democrat Presidential candidate Barack Obama marked the historic event. Mr. Obama chastised Republicans who had long sought a timetable for America\’s withdrawal from the War on Poverty.

\”The Democrats saw poverty could be eliminated, but only if we spent trillions upon trillions of taxpayer dollars over 44 years on government handouts,\” said Mr. Obama. \”We saw poverty was the enemy and we knew war was the only answer and we promised to fight. And Democrats would never just up and quit in the middle of a war!\”

\”Hope. Change.\” added Mr. Obama.

The smashing success of the now-ended War on Poverty has given hope that similar wars may be waged and won. The tax hikes and strict government regulations that make up plans for the Democrats\’ War on Climate Change are expected to be just as effective in the fight against global warming.

Fun fact: I only own two NFL jerseys: Michael Vick and Brett Favre. And honestly, I\’m not sure which one I\’d be more embarrassed to wear in public. (On the bright side, in a couple of days my Favre jersey will officially become a \”throwback,\” and be worth triple what it is now.)

So the search is on for a new jersey, but I\’m not really sure who my second favorite Packer actually is. The problem is, most of the guys that I like the most (Woodson, Driver) are old – so if you go out and buy their jersey now, you\’re really not maximizing your dollar. Seriously – a Charles Woodson jersey should come with a 2009 expiration date.

All the other guys are too young and inexperienced to warrant a jersey purchase. Ryan Grant? Nah. Aaron Rodgers? You\’d be better off waiting a couple years and buying a Brohm jersey.

The one guy that kind of falls right in the middle is Greg Jennings. Young, productive, just hitting his stride, and (as far as we know) doesn\’t fight dogs. So unless I can be convinced otherwise, Jennings might be the winner. The downside, of course, is that if you wear a jersey of a player 10 years younger than you, it kind of looks like a cry for help.

The other direction to go would be just to get a jersey of some random ex-Packer that makes people chuckle when they see it. You still occasionally see people at games with a Jurkovic or Lamont Hollinquest Jersey. And, of course, those guys are unlikely to sully the name on their jersey – mostly because their names will never be uttered in public again.

Then again, I could just go out of the box and get a Clinton Portis jersey. I like his wacky disguises.

Oh, and as a postscript to the whole Favre thing, I have to mark this momentous occasion – very rarely do I disagree with Rick Esenberg on anything, but on the whole Favre issue, he is absolutely dead wrong. And given the poll numbers my employer just cranked out, it looks like most of Wisconsin is with me.

As my friend Mike put it in an e-mail:

Prima donna ingrate. If TO were pulling this stuff, Green Bay fans, Michael Hunt, Tom Oates, and all the radio guys would be screaming about what a piece of trash he was. But because it\’s Saint Favre, the rules are different.

Favre\’s been lying and leaking and scheming to wreck the Packers for 8 weeks.

If he cares so damn much about not wanting to be a distraction, he should go home and sit on his tractor.

Okay, real quick story from this weekend that demonstrates what a stellar parent I am:

On Saturday, my wife took my 4-year old daughter to the grocery store. But when they get there, my daughter starts throwing a fit and refuses to go in the store. Why, you may ask?

Because the store was \”Cub.\” And my daughter kept telling my wife that she hates the Cubs.

Honest to God true story. That is a young woman that is on the right path.

I have a column today in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel discussing the prospective healing powers of the Brewers for the City of Milwaukee.

Interestingly, I wrote the editorial a week ago, with the Brewers coming off a streak where they won 9 of 10 games. Everyone knows that the team imploded during the Cubs series last week, losing four straight. This was partly why I took the Brewers\’ losses so hard – if they went on a disastrous losing streak, it would render my column moot and make me look like a moron. (I still might be a moron, but it\’s not because of the column.) In fact, during the week, it looked like the only unifying effect the Brew Crew would have is that people of all races would be out with torches, burning Miller Park to the ground. Fortunately, a couple road wins against the Braves have turned the ship around a little.

Anyway, you can read the column here.

For those of you who don\’t recognize what a gold mine local Wisconsin newspapers are for entertainment, I give you this: A photo essay of a local resident enjoying a day at a Wisconsin Badger cookout…

All in all, a big day for Harry Baller. I mean, come on – someone at the paper had to know, right?

Okay, someone has to have the guts to say what we\’re all thinking, so I\’ll be the one to do it:

The chipotle chicken sandwich at Panera is DELICIOUS.

The only problem I really have with the sandwich itself is the fact that Panera pushes the fact that it\’s \”antibiotic free\” chicken. Aren\’t the antibiotics what make the chicken so delicious? Can I go up to the counter and request they slather my sandwich with extra antibiotics? In fact, I\’d actually prefer my chicken to be the Barry Bonds of chickens, even if it does keep it out of the Poultry Hall of Fame. (But I\’d refuse to eat a chicken who was a heavy gambler, like Pete Rose. You have to draw the line somewhere.)

(By the way, when did the word \”chipotle\” become a real word in the English language? Five years ago, nobody had ever heard it, now you can probably get chipotle flavored baby formula. I propose the following: No word can be added to English common usage, until one drops out. For instance, \”chipotle\” can\’t be added until we determine once and for all that nobody can ever use \”oriental\” again.)

But here\’s the thing that intrigues me about Panera in general: Go in there during the day and check out all the people in there with their computers, working, with papers spread all over their tables. They sit there, all day, putting together their graphs and charts for work.

When did it become acceptable to sit in Panera all day and do all your work? Do these guys really have to wear ties? Why should my bagel purchase subsidize this guy\’s office expenditures? It wouldn\’t shock me to see some guy with a picture of his wife and kids propped up on the table.

I imagine he has a conversation at home like this:

Child: \”Daddy, are you coming to my dance recital tonight?\”

Dad: \”Sorry, honey – I have a big day at Panera tomorrow that I have to get ready for. I\’m planning on trying the asiago cheese bagel, and I have a lot of preparation to do ahead of time.\”

I imagine it\’s a tough day at Panera when the manager has to cut one of these guys loose:

\”Hi… (looks at receipt)… STEVE. I have some bad news… We\’re going to have to let you go. No, no, stop crying. It\’s nothing you did – your reports on the deliciousness of our chicken salad sandwich were really solid. But we\’re going to have to ask you to clear off your desk, and finish your soda. I hear Einstein Bagels might have a spot open on the West Side. Best of luck to you and the kids.\”

Next time I go in, I\’m going to grab the \”order up\” microphone and announce to everyone in the restaurant that Friday is now Hawaiian Shirt Day.

In fact, I put together this graphic representation of my love of the chipotle chicken sandwich. As can be deduced from the chart, the more bacon that\’s on the sandwich, the more delicious it becomes:

The methodology for this study can be found in the footnotes to this report.

With the Brew Crew in the midst of being smoked by the Cubs again, I\’m trying my hardest to remain positive. I keep telling myself that the Brewers aren\’t really in a race against the Cubs – they\’re really locked in a race against the Cubs, Cardinals, Mets, Phillies, and Marlins. So whatever happens with those teams is just as relevant as what happens in this series against the Cubbies. I am also thankful that it started raining here in Madison and my satellite went out, so I was unable to watch Ben Sheets get bombed in the 6th inning. The inclement weather may have saved my life.

But even as you try to spin it positively, these losses are heartbreaking. If someone called me and told me Iran attacked America and now controls the state of Oregon, I\’d probably shrug and say \”ah, we probably have too many states anyway.\” But seeing the Brew Crew fall flat on their faces in the season\’s biggest series is almost too much to take.

What\’s particularly galling are things like this: The Cubs are up 1-0 in the fifth, and Zambrano looks unhittable. Runner on first, one out. Ben Sheets is up, and… SWINGING AWAY? What in the name of Don Money is going on here? Someone should check and see if Ned Yost is betting on these games. That can be the only explanation for Sheets not bunting the runner over to give Ray Durham a chance to tie the game.

Speaking of Ray Durham, assuming he\’s not hurt badly, he should be playing 2nd base from here on out. I\’m sure Rickie Weeks is a wonderful baseball player, aside from his inability to either hit or field. Perhaps he\’s an exceptional speller. Maybe he has exemplary penmanship. If he\’s a great \”clubhouse\” guy, then good for him – that\’s where he can stay. Unfortunately, where he falls short is his ability to play baseball. And that\’s something the Brewers kind of need right now.

So instead of continuing to grouse, I\’ll leave everyone with this oft-linked to ad:

I\’m a Brewer believer. Son of a bitch.

Following Ryan Braun\’s 2-run game-tying homer tonight against the Astros, I got up and did a little dance. The following conversation between my wife and I ensued:

Her: \”So has Braun finally eclipsed Bill Hall as your favorite Brewer?\”

Me: \”It\’s like picking between your favorite children.\”

Her: \”Do I get to pick other people\’s children?\”

As regular readers know, I am somewhat of a connoisseur of crazy people letters to state legislators. I was recently passed this one that\’s currently circulating around the Wisconsin State Capitol. It immediately makes the Crazy Letter Hall of Fame, which is getting pretty crowded at this point.

Much like a good novel of any particular genre, it contains all the hallmarks a crazy letter should:

1. Hatred of Jews: Check
2. Ridiculous conspiracy theories: Check
3. Belief they are the only ones standing up to the government: Check
4. Indication that \”this is not a joke,\” clearly indicating that it is, in fact, a joke: Check
5. Liberal use of the word \”warmonger:\” Check.
6. Use of own name in third person: Check.

Yet while all these characteristics are present, this letter throws in a few extras for the reader, such as Bill Richardson \”claiming to be a Mexican\” in hopes of \”pulling Spanish votes.\” (Perhaps he is unaware Mexico and Spain are on different continents.) As the rock-solid theory goes, Richardson is secretly Jewish, and is pretending to be \”a Mexican,\” so he and Obama get elected, then he and his Jewish friends plan on assassinating Obama so a Jew can be President. Then (stay with me, here) the Jews will orchestrate another 9/11, and once again blame it on bin Laden.

How this plot has escaped the Obama campaign is beyond me – the evidence is overwhelming. For instance, this guy conducted his own telephone survey, which determined that 100% of Jews support Obama. (\”You can do your own poll in one day by making random phone calls.\”) He forgot to mention that his poll has an error rate of plus or minus 100%.

You can see on his letter that he has his own (800) telephone number, where he can be reached in his compound in Glenmoore, PA – where he, no doubt, is about to expose the next big story in the campaign. He should actually have his own show on MSNBC.

Who knew there was an Olympics for people who have had organ transplants?

Madison has been chosen to host the 2010 U.S. Transplant Games.

The Olympic-style event is expected to attract 1,500 athletes who have had organ transplants and 7,000 visitors. Organizers say it could bring more than $2.6 million to the city.

The location was announced this week after the 2008 games in Pittsburgh.

You can\’t accuse the competitors of not having heart. It just happens to be someone else\’s.