Before today, the easiest way to make $5,000 was to spend an hour with Eliot Spitzer. But now, NASA has created a new program to pay you five grand per month for you to… lie in bed (Spitzer-free.)

Here\’s the deal:

Need a break from the working, walking, and standing required by the demanding and stressful life you lead?

Well, pack your bags for Houston because NASA wants to pay you $17,000 to stay in bed for 90 straight days.

The bed-rest experiment, to take place in the Human Test Subject Facility of Johnson Space Center, is designed to allow scientists to study some of the effects of microgravity on the human body. We read on the Bed Rest Study website:

Participants will spend 90 days lying in bed, (except for limited times for specific tests) with their body slightly tilted downward (head down, feet up). Every day, they will be awake for 16 hours and lights out (asleep) for 8 hours.

Here\’s the important question: Do I get credit for time already served? If so, I\’d be a millionaire.

Think about the thing you care for the most.  Now forget about your new HDTV and think about the thing you care about the second most.  That’s right – your family.  In the event something went terribly wrong, wouldn’t you like to have \”family insurance,\” just like you have homeowners insurance on your flat screen?  Of course you would.  Read on to find out how your government can help.

With a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage on the statewide ballot in 2006, the issue of state government’s role in the institution of marriage was at front and center in Wisconsin.  Some questioned why government has a role at all in marriage, which they argued is solely a religious institution.

The bottom line is that government does have its greasy fingers in your marriage.  State law dictates how marriages are formed, how those marriages may be dissolved, and how the whole mess is sorted out when things go bad.  In fact, Wisconsin state law even prevents someone who is divorced from being remarried within 6 months of their divorce, presumably to protect people from the horrors of marrying you.
Yet, there’s one area where government doesn’t help marriages nearly enough, which is why I’d like to propose a new law strengthening our households.  Think about what we do to insure ourselves against catastrophic events when they happen to individuals we love: We have a backup plan. The President has a Vice President.  The Packers have assistant coaches.  Ronald McDonald has Grimace.  That is why I am proposing the groundbreaking “Vice Wife” law.

In the event something horrible happens to your spouse, wouldn’t it make perfect sense to have a backup at the ready to assume those duties?  If your wife were to be pummeled to death by a kangaroo at the zoo, would she really want you to suffer, alone and miserable, while having to take care of the rest of your family duties?  I know your wife, and I think not. Who would take care of the kids while you spent all your time in court suing the kangaroo? The law would work like this:  A husband could direct one single woman to be his Vice Wife, eligible to take over marital duties should his “primary” wife die horribly and unexpectedly.

The rules are as follows:

• The Vice Wife has to agree to serve in this capacity – obviously, the husband can’t just pick anyone, regardless of how appealing that might be.  (I’d love to see Katherine Heigl’s face when she gets the call explaining she has to make me pancakes every morning.)

• The husband may not have any physical contact with the VW while his primary wife is still alive.  Any funny business with the Vice Wife is punishable by having to serve as the Brewers’ closer for the remainder of the season.

• For taking part in the Vice Wife program, the VW gets to pay her taxes on May 15th instead of April 15th.  She also gets one small free Wendy’s Frosty per month.

• If you actually cause the death of your wife, you forfeit the ability to take part in the program.  (Chances are, your Vice Wife will be assigned to you by the Wisconsin penal system.)  If your Vice Wife is significantly hotter than your regular wife (as determined by me), you are presumed guilty in any and all circumstances where your wife dies of unnatural causes.

Now, I realize the Legislature is out of session until next January.  But once lawmakers read this proposal, chances are they’re going to want to call a special session and bring everyone back into town to get this done.  I imagine there will be a lot of lights on in the Capitol late into the night finalizing the legal language on this groundbreaking new law. Of course, the only people that would oppose such a law are “pro-wife” groups, but they’re always nagging us to do things and we’ve all tuned them out anyway.  They can usually be dismissed with a wave and a grunt.  After all, this proposal is meant to strengthen the family by restoring order in a time of crisis.  Who would oppose such a thing?  Selfish, unreasonable wives, that’s who.
Of course, this program could work for women, too.  Certainly my wife will need a warm body to hold the couch down to the floor and make sure all the oatmeal cream pies get eaten in the (now extremely likely) event of my demise.

So here’s the plan of action, fatty: put down that gyro, print this column out, rush home, and explain the new plan to your wife.  It is likely she will immediately recognize that this proposal is what’s best for keeping your family strong in a time of crisis.  However, just in case she is too excited about this plan, you might want to make sure you have a sturdy protective cover over your lower abdomen and are wearing a football helmet.

I\’ve been busy with a lot of work writing lately, so I haven\’t really had time to post anything here. Instead, I\’ll cheat and just post a couple videos.

Here\’s \”Born Under a Bad Sign\” by Richard Hawley, whose albums \”Cole\’s Corner\” and \”Lady\’s Bridge\” have completely taken over my life in the past few weeks. I cannot possibly give them a stronger recommendation.

Here\’s Hawley\’s \”Tonight the Streets are Ours:\”

And via Nick Schweitzer, the inevitable \”what if our real lives were like Facebook?\”

Last weekend, the fam and I did what any self-respecting family does when they want an exotic vacation in Wisconsin. We hit the Kalahari indoor water park in Wisconsin Dells.

At first, I was apprehensive about the trip, having never been before. If you don\’t like being places where there are a lot of people, it isn\’t exactly an upgrade to go places where there are a lot of people without shirts on. Add to that the fact that I realized I would actually have to be in a public place without a shirt on, which I\’m pretty sure I hadn\’t done since birth. (When shortly thereafter, my dad slapped a \”Baby for Sale\” t-shirt on me.)

After checking in, my kids immediately wanted to hit the water park. Right away, I noticed that there was a channel on the resort TV station that allowed you to watch the water park live from your room. Basically, a channel for lazy parents and perverts. Me being the former, I tried to beg out of going down to the park, but my wife exercised her substantial veto power (still constitutional, FYI) and made me go.

And I have to admit, I was glad she did. It really was a lot of fun. I decided to suck it up (or in, as the case may be) and go shirtless. I just tried not to look down at myself and to stand as close as I could to people fatter than me to make myself look slim by comparison.

Of course, finding large people in there wasn\’t exactly like finding a polar bear in the Serengeti. The Kalahari water park is a sea of pale, cellulosic, heavily tattooed flesh that should never see the light of day. Obese people with swim trunks clinging on for dear life. Teenage girls with tattoos that might as well say \”UNEMPLOYABLE.\” We actually saw some 12 and 13-year old girls with press-on tattoos on their lower backs. Starter tramp stamps, if you will.

Then again, I count myself among those that could probably stand to lose a few. It\’s pretty clear that the reason most of the people there can afford the hefty water park fee is because they haven\’t wasted their money on Jenny Craig.

In any event, my daughter demanded to go on all the scariest water rides. At four years old, she is fearless. When I screamed all the way through one of the rides, she lectured me on how I shouldn\’t be such a sissy.

My son greatly enjoyed stepping on the little fountains that spray out of the ground. My sister-in-law\’s boyfriend explained to me that when he was a lifeguard, it was common for kids to actually sit down on those fountains, unknowingly giving themselves an enema. They would then proceed to poop in the pool, as they couldn\’t control their bowels. Honest to God – he said they had to close the pool at least once a week when this happened.

I was able to sneak off occasionally to catch the Packers\’ draft – fortunately, I was able to see enough to recognize that the Packers are now set at the quarterback and wide receiver positions for the next 263 years.

My favorite ride had to be the one we affectionately called the \”toilet bowl,\” where you shoot directly down into this giant bowl and spin around a few times before it dumps you head first into the water 10 feet below. It\’s kind of like experiencing birth all over again.

At night, we toured the inside of the resort a little bit. I can say that the Kalahari isn\’t exactly the place you want to go if you\’re looking for decorative nuance. Every inch of that place is covered with paintings of elephants, cheetahs, giant tusks, and so on. The only thing missing is the malaria.

For some reason my son is absolutely enthralled by elevators, and the glass elevator there was his favorite yet. He loves pressing the buttons and getting in and out. So for him, the whole trip was going to visit the elevator, and there just happened to be a water park attached.

The biggest kick of the weekend that I got was in our hotel bathroom, where a small sign on the wall lectures you to re-use your towel, in order to conserve water and save the environment. This from a resort that cranks out hundreds of millions of gallons of chlorinated water for people\’s amusement, using up enough electricity to power Waukesha. That place\’s carbon footprint is probably the size of Nebraska. So pardon me if I would like a fresh towel. Thank you.

All in all, a successful trip. Got to spend my birthday with the whole family and have a good time doing so. Naturally, at times it seemed like my family was playing the \”who wants to be strangled first by daddy\” game, but fortunately nobody won.

As the state\’s leading Albatomist, I have to pass on a story about my girl that actually has a local angle.

On Jessica Alba\’s only moderately legible blog, she confesses to being a big fan of the \”Apples to Apples\” board game. She was able to quit reading my blog just long enough to type the following with her perfect little fingers:

\”Been playing a lot of board games lately…apples to apples is a new favorite of mine. I know super cool right J\”

(As long as she teaches our child how to write a complete sentence, I think I might be able to put up with her assassination attempt of the English language.)

As many may know, Apples to Apples is the creation of Wisconsin-based Out of the Box Publishing, currently headquartered in Dodgeville. When you think about it, this is way bigger news than dopey Johnny Depp showing up in Wisconsin for 36 hours.

Consequently, I am offering to referee any kind of Apples to Apples worldwide competition, as long as my girl agrees to be there. Plus, there will be plenty of room on my futon in case she needs a place to crash. Unfortunately, I won\’t be able to join her, as my wife will be busy burying my dismembered body in the backyard after she finds out I made the offer.

So I know I\’m not supposed to be happy that the Brewers have four American-born African Americans on their roster. I\’m supposed to be color blind and root for them no matter what their heritage. But I have to admit, it is pretty cool. After all, the lack of home-grown black players in baseball seems to be a big deal to a lot of people, so anything that makes the Brewers notable in a good way is fine with me. And if it interests more African Americans in Brewer baseball, then better yet.

As it turns out, black players aren\’t the only multicultural selling point the Brewers have. Last year, Ryan Braun became the most notable Jewish player in baseball when he won the Rookie of the Year award. This year, he\’s joined by Gabe Kapler, who also happens to be a devout Jew. In fact, according to Kapler\’s Wikipedia page, he has a Star of David tattooed on one leg, with the inscription \”Strong Willed, Strong Minded\” in Hebrew, and the post-Holocaust motto \”Never Again\” with a flame and the dates of the Holocaust on the other.

(Apparently, the \”record\” for most Jewish players on the field at one time is four, in 1941. Kapler joined two other Jewish Boston Red Sox on the field in 2005. Apparently, someone keeps track of this.)

So, basically, it\’s pretty cool that the Brewers keep making strides in areas important to a lot of people. It\’s unknown whether the Crew has any gay players, but Eric Gagne spoke only French until he got to junior college, so that\’s probably close enough. And regardless of actual sexual preference, Kapler seems to be a big hit on gay sports sites, as pointed out by HeatherRadish.

In fact, speaking of ethnic identities and the Brewers, check out this question Tom Haudricourt received during his Brewer Mailbag today:

Q: Maurice of Milwaukee – Hi i\’m a african American who is a big Brewers fan? So here my question With six picks in the first two rouds what positions/Pitchers you think they will look at ?

A: Brewers Mailbag – Wow, it\’s way to early to project that stuff right now. They don\’t even get their first pick until No. 16, I believe. The draft board doesn\’t firm up until the final days before the draft. Check back then.

What in the hell does his question have to do with the fact that he\’s African-American? From now on, people in the Mailbag should identify themselves by race before asking Haudricourt a question:

Q: Hi, I\’m Saul, a Jew from Milwaukee. Why is Fielder batting fourth?

Other Brewers notes:

There\’s no doubt Ned Yost is doing an excellent job, given the team is 11-7 and still not hitting a lick. And I was one of the people ready to burn him at the stake after \”beanballgate\” last year.

Now, I concede that fans always tend towards being in favor of playing \”smallball.\” It gives them a chance to prove how much more they know about strategy than their manager. But it still seems like the Brewers botch an inordinate amount of chances to score runs in tight games. Of course, there are plenty of variables that we as fans don\’t know.

For instance, J.J. Hardy gets a leadoff single in the 9th yesterday in a 1-1 game. Ryan Braun is up. Maybe Braun is a terrible bunter – but it seems that would be a good time to move the runner over. (As it is, Braun walked, and Fielder hit into a double play behind him, and Corey Hart grounded out.) The same thing happened in the 10th inning – and the Brewers would have wasted a couple of runners had Edwin Encarnacion not booted a tailor made double play. It just seems like the people who advocate for a more station to station approach seem to be winning over Yost at this point.

***

It seems like Bill Hall would be a great guy to play with. And I\’m not saying that just because he\’s coming off a productive series. He\’s always encouraging his teammates, giving hi-fives, and never complained about being shuffled around on defense. Seems like the kind of guy you\’d want around.

***

I noticed that at one of the upcoming games, the Brewers are offering free prostate exams before the game. Come in, get checked, and get two free tickets. There are several problems with this:

First, once you realize what a prostate exam is, it sounds a lot less like a good idea. It ain\’t like getting your ears checked, folks. Although if I had the choice between having the doctor\’s arm halfway up my rectum or ever watching Derrick Turnbow pitch again, grab the rubber glove.

Secondly, what happens if you get checked and the doctor there actually finds something? One would think that the people getting free prostate exams at a Brewer game are the same people that might not have health insurance. So Bernie Brewer gives you an exam, tells you you have cancer, and gives you two free tickets. Off you go now. Enjoy the game.

***

Last year during a FOX game, Geoff Jenkins mentioned that Craig Counsell\’s nickname was \”The Grumpy Rooster.\” I demand that the announcers mention this every time Counsell steps to the plate.

***

Speaking of announcers, I think Bill Schroeder and Brian Anderson are outstanding. They are as good as the Bucks\’ Paschke and McGlocklin are unbearable. And that\’s saying a lot. I mean, seriously – if you were starting a franchise tomorrow, are Paschke and McGlocklin the two guys you\’re hiring from scratch? Of course not. But because of their history with the team, they lumber on from year to year to year, making watching games even more unbearable.

***

Except for the obvious exception (Gagne), the bullpen has been outstanding this year. Torres, Mota, and Riske have all been good. They\’re a big reason the team is 11-7. But that makes last year\’s season all the more hard to take. Because the team hit lights out last year, but still ended up fumbling away the season. Had the bullpen been merely bad, instead of execrable, the Brewers would have won the NL Central by 6 games. And yes, the fact that I\’m still sore about last year means I need some kind of counseling.

***

One camera shot into the dugout this weekend showed Ben Sheets hi-fiving some players after scoring a run. The Crew should hire a coach whose sole responsibility it is to make sure no other players come within 5 feet of sheets at any time. In the bathroom, there shouldn\’t be anyone within three stalls of him.

***

Two years ago, any team in baseball would have been envious of the Brewers\’ young crop of talent. Hardy, Weeks, Hall, and Fielder all looked like they had enormous potential. As it turns out, it looks like Hardy and Weeks may not turn into the stars we had once thought. They may certainly turn into decent players, but appears both might be headed for light-hitting middle infielder roles. If that\’s the case, Hardy\’s first half of the season last year may turn into one of the greatest statistical anomalies in Brewers history. (Slightly ahead of the year John Jaha played in 148 games, hit 34 home runs, and was only arrested for drunk driving three times.)

***

Gallardo\’s going to be an All-Star this year. Bank it.

POST MONDAY NIGHT UPDATE:

TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TU
RNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW! TURNBOW!

(That would be the Brewer reliever carrying an artery-clogging 9 ERA. You know, the one who complained last week about being relegated to \”mop up\” duty? The one who Yost had to go to tonight despite carrying an unheard of 14 pitchers on his roster? Fortunately, Turnbow is now back to his regular role as Designated Game Blower. The world is right again.)

As many of you know (primarily because I won\’t shut up about it), the Virginia Tech Alumni Association sponsored a blood drive with The Blood Center today in honor of the victims of the April 16th, 2007 campus shootings.

At about noon today, I got a frantic e-mail from Todd, the president of the VTAA-WI. He said a TV reporter from a Milwaukee station was going to be down at the Wauwatosa Blood Center at 2:30, and he wanted to make sure people were there so it didn\’t look empty. I think everyone at home realizes that people were trickling in throughout the day, but I can appreciate a good visual, so I agreed to make the trip to do it. On the drive in, I prepared myself for the role of my life: \”Guy getting stuck with needle in background.\”

Let me state up front: I absolutely HATE needles. This is good for the times when I consider trying intravenous heroin, but bad for when I need to give blood. My Mom likes to tell a story about how it took three nurses to pry me off a door frame to get a shot when I was a kid. Plus, I once had a humiliating experience giving blood, which I will describe at the end of this post. But there\’s the setup.

I got to the Blood Center just in time. They handed me the stack of paperwork I had to fill out and sequestered me in one of their little offices, lest anyone catch a peek at my answers. (People would definitely want to cheat off me, since my answers were at least 80% accurate.) For the survey, it took me a while to calculate how many prostitutes I\’ve used in the last few years. I told the nurse there that I\’d need to look at my credit card statements to give them an accurate answer. (That\’s actually not true. Me and my prostitutes always use an Indian-style barter system, where they give me sex and I give them a raccoon hat.)*

While trying to recall how many intravenous drug using men from Cameroon I\’ve had sexual contact with, my phone buzzed. \”Chris, it\’s Todd. The TV guys called about an hour ago and they can\’t come. There was some explosion in Whitewater or something.\”

Great.

At this point, I have to forge ahead, lest I look like a royal d-bag. Plus, you know, giving blood helps people, and all that stuff. The lovely Bonnie came in and pricked my finger for a little blood appetizer. I was wondering exactly how many holes I was going to walk out of there with today.

We walked together to the main room, where Todd was sitting there, already hooked up. He seemed coherent, so I figured this wasn\’t going to be too bad. They sat me in the chair, and I made the obligatory jokes about how they might need a couple needles ready, in case my muscular arms kept bending them. They asked me how much I had to drink today, and I said about a fifth of Wild Turkey. (I actually really am this annoying in person, people.)

In went the needle, and I couldn\’t watch. After about 30 seconds of feeling like I was going to faint, I heard the most dangerous words a blood giver can hear: \”Uhhh… Donna? Can you come over here for a minute?\”

This, of course, meant something was awry and she needed help. I immediately guessed that they couldn\’t find a vein. My sharp mind deduced this from the fact that they were actually fishing around in my arm with the needle. I suddenly had become a pincushion with shoes. A very sad pincushion. But with very nice shoes.

After a few minutes of trying some \’ol crafty bloodletting tricks on me (putting the blood pressure pump thingy on me, getting me to squeeze a ball, leeches) they gave up. After wiping my tears away, the blood drawing technician told me that I should have had more to drink during the day before I came in. I told her that 8:30 AM Chris appreciated her advice.

She told me I had two options: A) We could call it a day and try it some other day, or…

\”I\’ll take A,\” I whimpered.

I walked into the waiting area, and Todd was there, smiling and drinking a water. I told him that there was no luck, since my blood ran cold with the revenge I would seek on him for making me do this. He looked at the scrolling news on the TV, and it said that there was nobody hurt at the explosion in Whitewater. So, ironically enough, if the TV reporter really wanted to see someone injured in an accident, he should have stuck with the Blood Drive story. He could see the carnage that was my left arm – it would have been a ratings blockbuster.

We chatted for a little while, and I considered telling him my dumb joke about prostitutes and filling out the forms. But I figured those kinds of jokes in a blood center were probably treated like jokes about bombs in airports. So I held off. His loss.

I wandered over to the cookies and juice staging area, and wondered what their policy is for unsuccessful blood givers. Sure, my blood was still safely in my circulatory system, but I was pretty thirsty. So I grabbed a Diet Coke and sprinted out of the place.

So, in sum, I drove three hours for a staged media event that never occurred, and my reward was that I got jabbed in my veins for no reason. It appears that I will be able to selfishly enjoy the delicious blood running through my veins all by myself. None for you, future motorcycle accident man.

On the plus side, they did say that a few people had come in or called about giving blood since the drive started. So even though I was a flop, we helped some other people down the road.

Oh, and I should explain my trepidation about giving blood in the first place:

After my freshman year at Tech, I was home for the summer. Having too much time on my hands, I decided to be a do-gooder and go to the Red Cross and give blood just because I thought I should actually do something good for mankind for a change.

A few weeks after I gave, a letter from the Red Cross showed up at my house. It said that my blood was unusable, since it was infected with something. Or, at least that\’s what I think my mom said it said, when she marched into my room crying, opened letter in hand.

Thinking I had contracted some kind of horrible sexual disease, my mother demanded to know all of my sexual activities up until age 19. Fortunately at the time, my list of sexual experiences was about as long as a list of \”Great Eskimo U.S. Presidents.\” But having to explain to your mother that you\’re a total loser is something I wouldn\’t wish on the inmates at Guantanamo. Alberto Gonzalez couldn\’t even justify that.

When I called the Red Cross for clarification (I thought it unlikely that I could contract anything from Cinemax), they just said that I probably had a mild cold or something when I gave. In other words, I wasn\’t dying. (Although after discussing my sex life with my mother, I kind of wish I had.)

So while I realize giving blood is a safe and useful thing to do, you can understand the trauma I have felt in my adult years about the process. On the positive side, if you need to tell someone they\’re dying of a killer STD, my mom is now available to do it for you.

—————————————————————

*-SIDE NOTE: So if you\’re caught publicly with a prostitute and decide to one day give blood, what do you do? Are you instantly disqualified? \”Sorry Mr. Spitzer, not today.\”

I will admit up front that I am extremely sensitive to groups using last year\’s tragic shooting at Virginia Tech as a platform to espouse their political beliefs. I don\’t think the Tech shootings make the case for or against gun control, and I bristle at attempts to use the tragedy for political advantage. That\’s why I went nuts on former Senate Majority Leader Judy Robson for using the shootings to push for more UW funding during state budget negotiations.

I was hoping to get through today\’s one year commemoration without having to address this, but it looks like the peaceniks are forcing my hand. Apparently, a group of peace activists is participating in a \”lie down\” in Milwaukee today to push for more gun control – and climbing over the graves of the Tech victims to make their point. State Representatives Jon Richards and Leon Young should be ashamed of themselves for taking part in this classless charade.

As mentioned in my last post, the Virginia Tech Alumni Association has organized a blood drive to commemorate the shootings. We thought this would be a much more positive way to recognize the dead than to have some sort of political demonstration. Naturally, the Journal Sentinel is on the spot to cover the demonstration, without any mention of our efforts, which were actually intended to help people.

I sent the following e-mail to Journal Sentinel reporter Linda Spice, to clarify some points in her Blog Post:

Here\’s a \”Here and Now\” segment I filmed last April, where I make essentially the same point about groups piggybacking their own cause on the shootings:

UPDATE: The Journal Sentinel has added an article about the VTAA-WI\’s blood drive effort. Thanks to Linda Spice for following up on this.

In remembrance of the April 16, 2007 shootings at Virginia Tech, the Virginia Tech Alumni Association – Wisconsin Chapter is sponsoring a blood drive this Wednesday. Details below:

As part of the Day of Remembrance activities scheduled for Thursday, April 16th, the Wisconsin Chapter of the Virginia Tech Alumni Association is partnering with the BloodCenter of Wisconsin to host a Virginia Techforlife Blood Drive at numerous locations throughout SE Wisconsin. Our blood drive is part of a broader campaign launched by Virginia Tech (under the VT Engage program) which has spurred alumni association blood drives across the nation throughout the month of April (and beyond).

Many of the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings needed immediate blood transfusions and are alive today because of blood donors like you. Help us honor those who were lost on April 16th by donating blood to save lives here in Wisconsin.

There is an immediate need for most blood types. To participate, simply schedule an appointment and donate at any one of the BloodCenter of Wisconsin’s donor centers. If you are unable to donate on April 16th, you can still donate through the end of the month and have your donation counted towards our Day of Remembrance campaign.

Call 1-877-BE-A-HERO (1-877-232-4376) to schedule your appointment. You can also find donor center information and schedule your appointment online at www.bcw.edu. When scheduling, please reference code #004256 to be registered under our Day of Remembrance campaign. We have designated the BloodCenter of Wisconsin in Wauwatosa (next to Children\’s Hospital & Froedert) as our primary donation center, however donations can be made at any of the other 11 centers located in Milwaukee, Waukesha, Kenosha, Brown Deer, Greenfield, La Crosse, Manitowoc, Marshfield, Racine, Sheboygan, and West Bend.

Every two seconds someone in the United States needs blood, and more than 38,000 blood donations are needed on a daily basis. Every single donation can save up to three lives!

PLEASE SIGN-UP TODAY!

Note: For those that don\’t have a BloodCenter of Wisconsin donation center in your area, please reach out to the American Red Cross (ARC) or any other blood donation center to donate. The ARC is working with VT on other campaigns across the country, and welcomes your donation as part of the Virginia Techforlife campaign. Additional information will be sent via email next week — if we are able to establish other donation sites elsewhere in Wisconsin, we\’ll include that information in the subsequent update.

Thank you,

Wisconsin Chapter – VT Alumni Association

This weekend, I happened to catch a question and answer session Justice Antonin Scalia did with local D.C. area high school students. Naturally, it is outstanding. For those of us Scalia enthusiasts, it is like mainlining heroin for an hour.

You can watch it here.

SIDE NOTE: The high school kids are from Thomas Jefferson High in Northern Virginia, which is a public school for geniuses. One of my best friends growing up went there, and TJ was in our conference for sports. I actually once went 2 for 2 with 2 doubles against them in a high school baseball game. This isn\’t relevant in any way, but I rarely played, so it\’s my one chance to brag.

For those of you looking to get in on the Guns n\’ Roses tribute band phenomenon, look no more. I received the following e-mail last week:

\”Nearly five years ago, Guns N Roses cover band Mr. Brownstone stormed into Madison to deliver it\’s first blistering Halloween performance. In July 2007, a second GNR cover band named Paradise City played the Club Tavern, which according to a blog commenter (who must be the little brother of a band member) was \”at capacity.\”

Thus, \”Mr. Brownstone v. Paradise City\” displaced \”Roe v. Wade\” as the new national debate that dominated the public discourse…until now.

In a development that could completely change the \”Mr. B v. PC\” dynamic, a third GNR cover band has emerged and it will be playing in Madison on April 17th. \”Appetite for Destruction\” will be rocking the Majestic on Thursday, April 17th. (Doors open at 7:30. Show starts at 8:30. $10.)

Judging by their website, these guys tour all over and this is more than just a hobby for them.

Consider this: there are twelve songs on the album Appetite for Destruction. Mr. Brownstone and Paradise City are two of them. Could it be possible that a band that has named itself after the whole album is twelve times better than the other bands named after only one song? After rigorous statistical analysis, the answer is: probably.

Anyway, even if they stink, you wouldn\’t want to miss the beer-fueled audience mayhem that accompanies a GNR cover band show.

– W. Axl

I appeared on the \”Here and Now\” show this week to discuss the new Wisconsin Government Accountability Board\’s actions with regard to campaign advertising. Before clicking on the video below, be warned: it might take a couple viewings to figure out exactly what happens. Be prepared to say: \”Did he just do what I think he did?\”

Oh yes. He did.

When the State Legislature finally decides to completely de-fund Wisconsin Public Television, this video clip will likely be the final nail in the coffin.

Also, yesterday I participated in a Milwaukee Public Television roundtable discussion about Wisconsin\’s tax level. It will air on the \”4th Street Forum\” show at the convenient times of 10 PM on Friday night on Channel 10, and at 3 PM on Sunday afternoon on Channel 36. Video will be made available online via podcast at some point, so I will link to that when it goes up.

In an effort to strengthen the state’s abysmal record in enforcing election law, the Legislature last year implemented a new board to review campaign activities. The new Government Accountability Board was set up to enforce elections laws and to handle campaign finance reports.

Yet since the new board was implemented, the GAB has seemingly had trouble with the very laws it was intended to enforce. Just this week, the Board had to remove two members who violated the State Constitution by serving on the Board before their terms as judges had expired (even though they had resigned their positions.) In their press release, the GAB called this constitutional provision “obscure,” as if the Wisconsin Constitution were somehow hard to track down. Fortunately, the state’s Attorney General was able to find his copy under his couch cushions and point out this violation to the Board.

In one of their first actions, the Board announced their intention to regulate campaign advertisements for upcoming elections. Apparently, they believe a board of political appointees should be the ones serving as the speech police for Wisconsin campaigns. Yet nothing in the Wisconsin statutes gives them the ability to regulate the timing and content of political speech. When Legislators passed the law instituting the Board, they thought they were authorizing these unelected bureaucrats to enforce existing laws, not to make new ones up out of thin air. This would be like going to the doctor for an ear infection and ending up with a vasectomy.

Of course, courts continue to rule that the suppression of issue advocacy during elections is a violation of another obscure constitutional provision, known mostly to scholars as \”The First Amendment.\” Then again, why would the GAB start worrying about our founding documents now?

As their denouement, it appears the GAB is now going to move to suppress free speech before three of their members are even confirmed by the State Senate (as is seemingly required by the law). Three of the members have been confirmed by the Assembly. The Board knows that their appointees would have a difficult time mustering the 2/3rds vote necessary for Senate confirmation if their stated purpose was to regulate campaign speech. So some members may try to serve on the Board and vote to regulate issue ads before the 2009 session begins, when they will require confirmation. It appears they are going to serve almost as if they as “recess” appointments, since the Senate is not currently in session.

As a result of the GAB’s actions, Wisconsin will have an unelected, unconfirmed group of bureaucrats who will be putting themselves in charge of political speech for all upcoming state elections, in violation of their statutory authority. If you think the weeds taking over your front lawn this spring are a problem, that pesky clover has nothing on the Government Accountability Board. Someone needs to get the sprayer out and rein in this out of control board, before it chokes off meaningful political discourse.

-April 11, 2008

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece by Andy Moore (my \”Here and Now\” producer), in which he bemoans the decline in hitchhiking as a standard practice in America:

Hitchhiking is dead. It\’s hard to say which came first, drivers who no longer pick up hitchhikers or people who no longer hitchhike. But I bet you couldn\’t fill a booth at the Rathskeller with college students who have even once thumbed a ride.

It is what it is, but it\’s too bad. A whole generation and, it seems, generations to come will miss out on one of the defining legs of the American journey.

Back in the 1970s and 1980s, hitching for me was an aerobics course in expectations. It began with an act of sheer positive thinking, a belief cast in blind faith that complete strangers, traveling in their own arc, would enter my life and take me further on.

There were therapeutic benefits to hitchhiking. Mental-health strategies that people actually pay professionals to learn. Hitching required patience. It demanded you slow down your pace, accept that you\’re not in control of the universe and be okay with that. It asked you to hope for the best and accept disappointment.

While the limit of my patience was tested waiting for rides, I can\’t say I was ever disappointed by my encounters with the people who picked me up. Frightened by them, yup. Intimidated, bored, maybe. Offended, amused, encouraged, and inspired, too.

Oh, and I\’m on the show Friday.

Ever since my trip to the doctor last week, I have made a valiant effort to get my health on. It\’s been a week since I\’ve eaten fast food, and I\’ve run my four mile route four times. I feel like I need to go club some baby seals, just to restore balance to my life. From the depths of my colon, my doctor retrieved the secret to good health – eating right, more exercise, and paint huffing only in moderation.

The eating healthier thing hasn\’t been as bad as I thought it would be. At first, it felt like my best friend had left me. My sweet, delicious, greasy, salty best friend. But when you realize that best friend was secretly plotting to kill you, it makes it a little easier to break up.

The exercise has been much harder. The first day I ran my route, I ended up walking a good part of the last 2 miles. That\’s always so embarrassing, as you feel like the people driving by are laughing at you. There\’s a wicked uphill climb at the end of my route, and I actually tried to motivate myself by saying things out loud, like \”if Kansas can win the national championship, I can make it up this hill.\” In fact, the homeless guy I hired to carry me up the hill thought it was really weird.

But I was stunned at the progress I made after just a couple runs. I can now make it the whole route without hearing the Reaper\’s footsteps behind me. I\’m still afraid to step on a scale, though. I\’m afraid that when the scale sees me coming, it will scurry out of the room. (This has now offically become my audition to start writing \”Cathy\” cartoons.)

So the next time any of you see me, don\’t be shocked when you see that I have the body of Adonis. My next project is to become three inches taller.