Boy, that one hurt – and not a little bit.

After the Packers lost to the Giants last night, I jumped in the car and just drove around the beltline here in Madison, with no particular destination. I just couldn\’t stay in the same place where I had witnessed the Packers disembowel themselves. I dropped my friend Brad\’s house unannounced (much to the horror of his wife), just because I needed someone to talk to – almost as if I had lost a family member. (Come to think of it, there may be a few extended family members I would gladly trade for a Packer Super Bowl appearance.)

It\’s gotten to the point where I can\’t even enjoy Packer games anymore. There wasn\’t a second of the game last night that my guts weren\’t twisted into a knot. When there\’s a bad call (Nick Collins\’ roughing the passer) or bad play (take your pick), it feels like being punched in the stomach. And when there\’s a good play, such as Donald Lee\’s touchdown catch, I don\’t get excited at all. Because that\’s what he\’s supposed to do. Basically, the bad plays are ten times as painful as the good plays are satisfying. So I end up yelling at the TV pretty much the whole game (by the time the Giants won, I had thoroughly described every aspect of the procreative process.)

Special recognition goes to Al Harris, whose clownish goading of Plaxico Burress provoked Burress to have a career game. Well done, Al. You are now a worldwide embarrassment.

When I returned home from my drive (I had considered hitting a bar, but \”Le Tigre\” was closed), I settled in and turned on the TV, determined not to watch any sports. Fortunately for me, \”Bret Michaels\’ Rock of Love 2\” was waiting for me on the TiVo. May God bless Bret and his band of horse-faced strippers for providing me with a much-needed respite from reality for an hour. It served as a reminder that no matter how bad things get, there are always herpes infested skanks willing to cheer me up. Thanks, whores!

When one receiver on the opposing team has 83.5% of that team\’s receiving yards through two and a half quarters, while at the same time being covered that entire time by the same member of the Packers secondary, maybe it\’s time to change the way you\’re covering that player.

For crying out loud, coach, either give Charles Woodson a chance to cover Burress or slide a safety over to give Al Harris some help, because he\’s clearly not up to doing the job solo today.

Let\’s just say that my level of optimism for a positive result (6:32 left in the 3rd quarter, Giants leading 13-10) is not high at this moment.

I hope to heck I\’m wrong.

[UPDATE: The power of negative thinking cannot be denied. TD Donald Lee, 17-13 Green Bay!]

This week, I\’m taking a break from my regular appearances on \”The Biggest Loser\” to resume my commentaries on \”Here and Now.\” I\’ll be mumbling something about the Milwaukee Parental Choice Program.

Also, my \”Here and Now\” producer, Andy Moore, has started a new show called the \”30 Minute Music Hour,\” which will air on Saturday nights as the lead-in to Austin City Limits. One of the first episodes features a live studio performance by one of my favorites, Robbie Fulks. You can watch it here – and be sure to catch his ode to Libertarianism, called \”I Like Being Left Alone\” (about 8:30 in.)

Wisconsin Public Television – \”You\’re Already Paying For It, You Might As Well Enjoy It!\”

Worst selling booster club t-shirt:

Madison Memorial Wrestling

Here\’s the story that has all my friends abuzz today:

Pardeeville man cited for forcing son to wear Packers jersey

Portage – A 36-year-old man tied up his young son with tape for an hour after the boy refused to wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team\’s game on Saturday, local authorities said.Mathew Kowald, 36, was cited for disorderly conduct in connection with the incident with his 7-year-old son at their home in Pardeeville, Lt. Wayne Smith of the Columbia County Sheriff\’s Department said. Pardeeville is about 30 miles north of Madison.

Kowald was arrested on Monday after the boy\’s mother, Kowald\’s wife, told authorities about the incident. Kowald was taken to the county jail and held until Wednesday, when he pleaded no contest, paid a fine of $186 and was released. Kowald\’s wife filed a restraining order on Wednesday, so Kowald will not be able to have contact with his family, Smith said. Smith said other domestic issues have surfaced, though he wouldn\’t elaborate.

The boy refused to wear the jersey on Saturday, when the Packers beat the Seattle Seahawks in a playoff game, Smith said. The father was accused of restraining the boy for an hour with tape and also taped a jersey onto him during that time.

As one of my Viking fans friends put it, \”the difference between \’Packer Nation\’ and \’al-Qaeda\’ appears minimal.\”

Does the blame lie with the father? Of course it does – if he had raised this child correctly, there wouldn\’t have been any need to force the kid to wear the jersey. He would have worn it willingly. But bad parenting probably led this kid to be a Viking fan, as is usually the case.

But now he\’s doing the kid a favor – the dad is offering up a little abuse now, to spare the kid from the lifetime of disappointment and depression he will likely suffer as a Viking fan. That\’s just good parenting.

Kidding aside, you know it\’s Wisconsin when the Sheriff\’s spokesman goes out of his way to point out that there\’s still a chance the kid may have been a Packer fan:

The boy\’s refusal to wear the jersey may have just been rebellion, he said. \”We\’ve been unable to uncover any evidence to suggest that this boy was not a Packers fan,\” Smith said.

Because you KNOW that 95% of Packer fans\’ first reaction to reading the story was to shrug and say \”well, I\’m not condoning taping him up, but… he really should be rooting for the Pack.\”

This week\’s Sports Illustrated features a lengthy article about my former boss, Rick Majerus. An interesting read from beginning to end. I also think it gives an accurate picture of what working for him is like – it can be brutal when you\’re actually there, but he breaks his back to help you when you\’re gone.

And the \”six inch\” story is absolutely true.

The list of liberal popular entertainers is never-ending. However, music lovers will recognize that R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe deserves a place near the top of the staunchest liberal activists. (Who can forget his \”White House Stop AIDS\” t-shirt at the 1991 MTV video awards? Okay, just me? Am I dating myself?)

Anyway, it appears Stipe inexplicably has a thing for Mike Huckabee. According to Politico.com\’s \”Shenanigans\” blog from last week:

REM frontman and rabid liberal Michael Stipe likes Mike Huckabee? Kinda. While speaking on Sirius radio over the weekend, Stipe told host Jane Pratt: “I’ve never seen the guy [Mike Huckabee] talk, not even online. I have never seen him talk for 30 seconds, … [and] he’s really charming. I instantly wanted to call [Generation X author] Doug Coupland and say, ‘OK, project one year into the future for me: What the hell does this mean?’ Because he’s a creationist; he’s a Baptist minister. I can’t think of probably a single issue in which I am even remotely in the same universe as that guy … and yet, he was kind of charming and … self-deprecating. He was actually kind of a good sport, and funny, and I don’t know what that means. Maybe it’s a good thing that’s he’s being lauded right now by the right. He’s an evangelical. May God bless all living creatures, but my god … how weird.\”

Granted, Huckabee isn\’t a \”conservative\” in the strict sense (and that\’s being kind.) But this has me completely confused. I guess, in one sense, it\’s kind of cool that Stipe has opened his mind to the possibility that an evangelical minister might not be that bad of a guy. But on the other hand, it kind of throws my universe out of whack. I\’ve been a Stipe devotee for two decades, and have come to expect a certain brand of liberalism from him. Now, I think it\’s entirely possible that on my way home from work, dogs will start talking to me. Nothing makes any sense anymore.

The National Indian Gaming Association really, really needs a better acronym.

Big news from the Clinton campaign:

Chelsea campaigns at Farm
Q&A targets college female demographic

The former first daughter’s address followed a smaller round table discussion at Old Union. Campaign organizers reached out to sororities in an effort to target women, one of Hillary Clinton’s “core demographics,” according to Carolyn Forstein ‘10, an associate with the Clinton campaign in San Francisco and a member of Stanford Students for Hillary.

In my college days, I was woefully unsuccessful at targeting the college female demographic. And my efforts in reaching out to sororities was even worse. I should have had Chelsea with me to figure it all out.

Fortunately, I get four or five e-mails a day offering me a chance to speak with live college girls. Maybe that\’s my path to the Presidency.

In an effort to not be so fat, I have been using a one week free pass to the Princeton health club here in Madison. I showed up today at lunch to work out, but realized I had lost my pass.

I told the girl behind the counter that she could probably look me up in the computer. She searched for me, but couldn\’t find my name. At that point, I saw the employee that I met with to get the pass, and blurted out this unfortunate phrase:

\”There he is – that\’s the guy that entered me!\”

At which point his eyes got big and he scowled at me. I then realized what I had said. I think it\’s possible that the dozens of health club patrons milling about didn\’t hear it, but not likely.

In other news, the Princeton Club has failed miserably in its attempt to make me skinnier after three visits. I also determined running on a treadmill is a lot harder when people are watching you. Especially since you can\’t eat a ham sandwich on their treadmills.

My quest to find tickets to the game Sunday led me to this Craigslist entry:

Mallards tickets for Packer Tickets – $1

Reply to: sale-538606796@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-14, 9:10AM CST

I will trade two Mallards tickets for Pack/Giants tickets this Sunday. I am a huge packer fan so please make me happy.

He then finished the ad off with this touch of irony:

\”Only serious inquiries please.\”

And they say there\’s no drug problem in Madison.

I\’m not sure how I missed this story about Greg Jennings\’ relationship with Brett Favre, but it\’s an outstanding read.

If you\’re looking for a read that is somewhat less outstanding, feel free to peruse Peter King\’s appalling, bloated \”Monday Morning Quarterback\” feature at Sports Illustrated. If you enjoy hearing this \”insider\” make the most obvious statements imaginable, feel free to peruse insight like this:

\”Atari Bigby. Great name. Played a great game for the Packers.\”

\”The Patriots\’ Josh McDaniels calls a good game.\” (Really? Was it the 17-0 record that led you to go out on a limb like that?)

\”I don\’t know how many more injuries the Giants secondary can take, but that is a physical and confident unit, whoever plays.\”

\”Eli Manning has played three straight games without making a game-killing mistake.\” (Is that why they\’re in the NFC Championship?)

\”Bob Sanders is a great player, and my choice for defensive player of the year, but that was a bush league thing he did after Nate Kaeding missed a second-quarter field goal try, putting his arm around Kaeding and tapping him on the helmet.\” (Incidentally, Sanders and Kaeding both went to Iowa at the same time, so they could be friends. It is entirely possible Sanders was encouraging him. Somehow I know this, but not the \”insider.\”)

\”Patrick Crayton, you\’ve got to be kidding me. That third-quarter drop just might have been the biggest play of the game.\”

Okay, that\’s enough. I can\’t take any more.

I have to admit that I think this week is the Packers\’ Super Bowl. The Patriots are unbeatable. They\’re just an absolute machine. So fans should live in the moment, enjoy winning the NFC, and bask in the Favre mediagasm the two subsequent weeks. Because the Super Bowl isn\’t going to be pretty.

I am a simple man with few needs. Unfortunately, one of those needs happens to be a ticket to the NFC Championship game at Lambeau Field on Sunday.

(Warning: If you are allergic to groveling, this post is not the place for you.)

Throughout the years, I have given blog readers at least three dollars worth of entertainment value. At this point, I would like to cash in that goodwill, in the event that one of the eight people reading this blog actually have a ticket to sell me. Honestly, I feel that there\’s a wall between you and me. And I see no better way of making the whole blogging experience more personal than you offering me a ticket. We would totally be best buds.

Therefore, I am willing to do anything for a ticket. I will say nice things about you on this blog. I will say mean things about someone you hate. I will give you free advertising. I will let you see a picture of my butt. I will rake the snow off your roof. I will give you my secret list of the best public bathrooms in South Central Wisconsin. I will grow a thick, flowing ironic mustache. I will call your wife every time you need to tell her you won\’t be home on time. I will make you a Boba Fett costume. I will call Al Sharpton and apologize on your behalf. I will discreetly let your co-worker know that he needs to shower more often. I will stand next to you in public to make you appear thinner. I will drive to Illinois to buy you cheaper smokes. I will do a research paper for you trying to explain the appeal of Julia Roberts. I will vote for you in the NBA all-star balloting. I will let you borrow my kids for a week to convince your girlfriend once and for all that she never wants to have children. I\’ll take the rap for you. I\’ll go to the drugstore and pick up the prescription-ordered extra small condoms you need. I\’ll learn to play the violin, then follow you around and provide accompaniment to the more emotional events in your life. I will punch people that snicker about your combover behind your back. I will follow you around and take detailed notes of the things you say when you are drunk, then apologize to everyone you spoke to. I\’ll let you beat the crap out of me in front of a table of hot girls at Chili\’s. I\’ll send big bouquets of flowers to your work and make sure all the other women see them. I\’ll break into your house after your death and steal all your porn so people don\’t know what a dirtbag you were. You can have your steroids sent to my house.

So I will be sitting at my computer here, waiting for your e-mail. I promise not to stop staring at my screen until your offer pops up. I imagine it\’ll be any minute. Any minute. Just sitting here waiting. Just sitting here. Any minute. Take your time. I\’m sure you probably just ran out to the grocery store. That\’s fine, whenever. Just sitting here. No hurry.

I\’ll be quick with my GOP debate observations, since my son\’s double ear infection has left me dizzyingly devoid of sleep. (On the bright side, it\’s a lot better than if he had a triple ear infection.)

1. I thought Romney cleaned up. Pitch perfect throughout.

2. Nice to see Fred Thompson go on offense – but he seemed to be straining a little too hard to come up with quick one-liners. It\’s obvious he thinks South Carolina is his last stand.

3. McCain began the debate babbling completely incoherently. I thought he righted the ship about halfway through – thanks in large part to Ron Paul, who McCain was able to use as a target to discuss his strong foreign policy positions.

4. Huckabee also scored some points by taking Paul on with regard to Israel. Seriously, they should want Ron Paul in these debates – he makes them all seem a little more level headed. I also thought Huckabee gave a fantastic answer with regard to his evangelical beliefs. (Then again, asking Huckabee about religion is like asking me about Twinkies.) However, I thought he gave a really poor answer when asked about his support of past tax increases. He was insufficiently apologetic, and mentioned at the end that all that new spending made highways more accessible to children. Then again, if the minimum driving age in Arkansas was 8, would it surprise anyone?

5. Rudy was really solid, if not spectacular. I think it\’s telling that nobody\’s going after him – clearly, the other candidates\’ internal polls either show him far behind or sinking.

Need sleep. Sadly, my keyboard isn\’t drool-proof.

During the presidential campaign of 2000, a clandestine group of Wisconsin Capitol staffers used to meet occasionally to plan the state strategy for the John McCain campaign. These were not the quintessential insiders – one limped a lot and one had a lisp. They met in poorly lit rooms, spoke in hushed tones, and discussed how McCain could possibly upset the Bush campaign machine. They were wrong, and not by a little bit.

I was one of those handful. In their 20s, some people experiment with drugs, some with heavy drinking. I experimented with McCain. And heavy drinking. I admired his heroism and independence, and I didn\’t really appreciate the fact that party leaders had essentially chosen George W. Bush for me as my candidate. (When the Wisconsin primary rolled around, I voted for Alan Keyes – this has allowed me to tell my lefty pals for eight years that I voted against Bush.)

Since 2000, I\’ve become old, crotchety and cynical. I had pretty much dismissed McCain as a legitimate presidential candidate. (He still may not be legitimate – New Hampshire seems to vote for him reflexively at this point.) He angered me with his ridiculous support of campaign finance reform. The party\’s base has chafed at his moderate immigration plan (although it doesn\’t bother me all that much). He gives crazy-eyed speeches about following Osama bin Laden to the gates of Hell. His bragging about working in a bipartisan fashion goes over like fingernails on a chalkboard in a Republican primary. At 71 years old, he looks old and brittle. My grandmother is 74, and we don\’t let her go too near the toaster, much less the Oval Office.

But tonight\’s speech after his victory in New Hampshire seemed to rekindle some of that old feeling I once had for Senator McCain. It was like seeing an old girlfriend after having split for years – you may have moved on with your life, but you know there had to be something there that attracted you two in the first place. And while I\’ve thinking about dating Giuliani or Romney, it appears that McCain is still single – and he wants me back. (Of course, the bastard never let me come over to pick up the t-shirts I left at his house after the split.)

Naturally, this may all just be crazy talk. McCain could get hammered in Michigan and South Carolina and be relegated forever to the scrap heap of \”close but no cigar\” presidential candidates. (As opposed to Bill Clinton, who was the \”come close, I have a cigar\” president.) But for one night in January, the 71-year old candidate who has spent a lifetime in the U.S. Senate looks like the candidate of change. Without question, he\’s the candidate who is most right on the issue that matters the most – the War on Terror.

So while I consistently deride voters who pick a candidate based on their electoral \”bounce,\” it seems I may have become one of those voters. At the very least, the New Hampshire primary gave me the chance to see McCain in a different light. Who knows if I end up supporting him – but now he\’s on the map.

Let\’s just hope he accepts the mix tape I\’ve been making him.

***

How perfect was it that John Edwards\’ entrance music was the \”This is Our Country\” song by John Mellencamp? The song that makes me want to throw my television out the window utilized by the candidate that I would crawl over broken glass to vote against. It\’s like electoral Feng Shui. The universe is in harmony.

***

The most undercovered local angle to the presidential race? The fact that Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle and Mike Huckabee roomed together on a 10-day trip to Iraq. This deserves front-page treatment – can you imagine this Odd Couple pairing?

DOYLE: \”Jesus, Mike – can you open a window? Your socks reek.\”

HUCKABEE: \”Well which one are you talking to – Jesus or me? He\’s right here next to me.\”

JESUS: \”Sorry, dude.\”

Okay, so I admit that I didn\’t watch the entire Democratic and Republican debates on Saturday night, although I did catch little bits. Thus, I have nothing really to say about any of the actual content discussed.

But I do have to mention one of my pet peeves about the whole process. Some people are bothered about how Iowa and New Hampshire have so much influence in picking our new President. Others complain about the length and banality of the whole charade.

I, on the other hand, have found something else that is ruining the whole political theater for me. Specifically, I can\’t stand how much John Edwards blinks. You\’ll thank me for pointing this out. Watch this video from a previous debate:

Honest to God – it looks like his head is trying to fly off the rest of his body with the way those lids are flapping. And once you notice it, you can\’t notice anything else – what he\’s saying becomes completely irrelevant. (Okay, slightly less irrelevant than it already is.)

Nobody on the GOP side is quite that bad, although I noticed Mike Huckabee is quite the blinker. Fred Thompson doesn\’t really have to worry, since his eyelids are closed during most of the debates.

Apparently, one of the signs that someone is lying is that they blink more. I\’m not saying Edwards necessarily lies any more than any of the other candidates. In fact, maybe he\’s just trying to generate a breeze to keep himself cool on stage. But any time he wants to come over and play poker with his trial lawyer pals, he\’s more than welcome.