Balanchine. Nureyev. Baryshnikov. All masters of the dance. But no more.

In my never-ending quest to make sure my son can never get a date, here\’s a video of him perfecting the most fluid and poetic of dances – the chicken dance. This is first in a long history of him performing this dance at weddings, Brewer games, and possibly one day the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts.

You know it was a tough Packer loss when you\’re still mumbling to yourself in anger on your way home from work the next day. I mean, it would have made too much sense in the second half to run an offense that got you to 4-0 in the first place, right? Must be hard to call plays with both hands around your throat.

After the game ended (okay, well, after I stopped swearing) I realized something strange. Before the season, I got Madden 2008 for the PS2. I played a season with the Packers, and started out 4-0. At that point, I was chuckling, saying \”yeah right.\” Then in game 5 against the Bears, the Packers lost their first game. Here\’s proof:

So I\’m thinking there might be some supernatural at work here. There\’s actually a 90% chance I am controlling the Packer season through my video game console. The good news is, the Packers took care of business next week against the Redskins and against the Broncos after that.

Tickets may be purchased to watch me play the remainder of the season for a mere 50 bucks. For the ladies, I will play shirtless for an extra 20.

I caught this ridiculously fawning Parade Magazine article about Brad Pitt yesterday, where he purports to be some worldwide philanthropic crusader. It was unironically titled \”I Have Faith in My Family.\” Says Pitt:

Some of you may have seen that the band Radiohead is offering up their new CD via dowload free from their website. They ask that you pay whatever you feel like to obtain the new disc – essentially a contribution of sorts.

As I am a Radiohead freak, I thought I would take advantage of this offer. (The \”York\” in \”Dennis York\” was an homage to lead singer Thom Yorke, just spelled differently.) And to show my appreciation for the offer, I figured I would contribute 10 bucks… what I would normally pay for a CD. I am all about showing my appreciation to bands I like.

The only problem is, their offer only allows you to contribute in British pounds, not American dollars. Easy enough – I went to the old handy-dandy currency converter to figure out how much 10 bucks was. As you look at the chart from left to right, it shows that one American dollar is worth roughly two pounds. So I put my order in for 20 pounds, which would be 10 bucks. Right?

Actually, it would have been helpful if I read the chart correctly – down, rather than left to right. Actually, it\’s the complete opposite of what I thought: 20 pounds equates to 40 American dollars. So I have now paid 40 bucks for a CD I could have downloaded for free-ninety nine. Hooray for me!

The lesson here, as always, is that I am a complete idiot. No wonder my Russian mail-order bride cost so damn much….

SIDE NOTE: If you could maybe not tell my wife about this, that would be fantastic.

Check out the ad for these flip-flops by Adidas. It claims that merely by wearing these shoes Fitflops) around you will:

• Burn more calories
• Reduce cellulite
• Slim and tone your thighs
• Strengthen and tone muscles in the feet, legs, buttocks, stomach, and back

They are shoes. The only way they will help you reduce cellulite is if you actually eat nothing but the shoe itself over the course of a month.

My wife and I recently juggled our work schedules around to accomodate some child care issues. Namely, we decided that I would be watching my 2 year old son on the occasional morning.

Little did I know that part of the package deal would be that I would also have to do the grocery shopping with my little man it tow. It occured to me that I haven\’t actually been grocery shopping since I got married six years ago. Until now, I just put stuff on a list, and it just miraculously showed up in my refrigerator.

So the boy and I went to Woodman\’s today, and I was completely lost. Seriously, if I were ever elected to anything, there would be a horrifying George H.W. Bush is-out-of-touch scene, like when he went to a grocery store for a photo-op and had no idea what a scanner was.

What I didn\’t realize, though, is what a ladies\’ man my kid is. Every woman that walks by gets a giggle and a \”hello.\” He makes funny faces just at the right times. In fact, the girl at the checkout area said she recognized him, and he helped her take all the groceries out of the cart.

Naturally, it wasn\’t entirely perfect. Being with a 2 year old in a grocery store is like being with a wolverine in a phone booth. He managed to rip open a box of cereal bars and throw my keys into a freezer of frozen pizzas.

But I\’m throwing the offer out there to single guys – you can take him shopping, and you\’re golden. The only price I ask in return is that you actually keep him until he\’s 12 years old.

jk lol!

I think everyone knows by now that police officers of all departments look out for their own. To think that they all have to follow the same laws as you or me is just naive.

However, this website seems to cross the line. It is a site dedicated to ratting out police officers who dare to issue tickets to other officers. It attempts to shame them by publishing their names, in the hopes of dirtying their reputation. All for insisting officers abide by the law.

The most disturbing passage is the first, from Illinois (big surprise there):

I really didn\’t mind the ticket once I knew I was getting one. I\’ve written thousands and is it really that bad?? The thing that bothers me is 1) she showed no respect for me. All the years I have worked, the different units I\’ve been on, the shitheads that I have arrested didn\’t mean squat to her. I\’ve given breaks before for people doing 19 miles over the limit. I have even let one go for doing 150+ on LSD. She didn\’t know this and that\’s the whole idea! She should have given me the break knowing that I go out there everyday and risk my life. I wouldn\’t have given her a ticket!

So wait… he let a guy driving 150 MPH on LSD off the hook? And he thinks this is a reason he shouldn\’t get a speeding ticket? Like, anything that falls short of that should be permissible since he let it go?

Certainly it builds camaraderie amongst cops to have their own code. It\’s silly to think they won\’t look out for their own. But whining about getting a speeding ticket and threatening those officers with citations if they ever come into your area doesn\’t look good. It gives the people already skeptical of police power even more ammo to think there\’s a conspiracy against them.

Seeing this headline at ESPN.com instantly provoked a lot of questions with me:

PETA says Vick took, passed course on preventing animal cruelty

Exactly what kind of \”course\” teaches you how not to torture animals? Is this part of a Master\’s degree program at UWM?

Here\’s a tip for lesson number one: If what you are doing results in dogs being drowned or electrocuted, it is probably animal cruelty.

Who are these people that attend this class? Can I take it and get a certificate as a registered non-dog torturer? I think that would look good on a resume.

Apparently this link has been flying around the Wisconsin Capitol offices today. It matches your answers to a few questions up with the presidential candidates\’ positions, which gives you a cold calculation of which candidate you should favor most.

I\’m a little skeptical of quizzes like these, since I think a lot of candidate positions are too nuanced to be pigeonholed into a three word summary. In the case of Mitt Romney, his position depends on the state in which he happens to be running at any given time. But the results are interesting, and should make for good conversation fodder.

So I\’ll shut up and just let you take the quiz.

(Tapping foot, waiting…)

Okay, done?

Here\’s how I came out: McCain, Brownback, Thompson. Joe Biden was higher on my list than Mitt Romney. Dennis Kucinich was higher than Obama, Edwards, Dodd and Clinton (as I am with Kucinich on Marriage, Death Penalty, and Immigration). Contrast this with a guy like Tom Tancredo, who likely supports the death penalty for married gay immigrants.

Not all that meaningful, but interesting. Should give you an idea of which candidates you may favor based on style rather than substance.

Here\’s tonight\’s appearance on \”Here and Now.\”

Basically, it\’s just \”blah blah blah, look at my brown sweater, blah blah blah.\” And I\’m actually wearing makeup for the first time. So hopefully I don\’t look like Liza Minelli after a Vicodin bender.

I\’m on \”Here and Now\” again this week. I\’ll be talking about dirty money in politics. So watch.

By now, you\’ve probably heard about the ad for San Francisco\’s Folsom Street Fair, which mocks the Last Supper by substituting sex toys in the place of bread and wine. Needless to say, Catholic groups are outraged, especially at Miller Brewing for sponsoring the event.

It\’s no secret that the extreme end of the political left wing doesn\’t particularly have a soft spot for Catholicism. But a friend of mine pointed out something almost as bizarre from the extreme right.

Some of the extreme evangelical Christian groups passionately dislike Catholics. They refer to the Pope as the \”Minister of Satan.\” Often times, they create publications to hand out to make this point. In fact, one website urges parents… and I am not kidding… to drop some of the little cartoon books (called \”tracts\”) into trick or treaters\’ bags on Halloween.
Here\’s an example of a \”tract\” called \”Man in Black.\” It depicts a Catholic priest who is talked out of his religion by some shady, mustachioed bald guy. These selected cartoons refer to the Catholic religion as \”the Great Whore,\” claim that \”Vatican City controls the wealth of the world,\” and say that \”Mary was Satan\’s masterpiece to control his religious slaves.\”

So have a peek at what could be ending up in your kids\’ candy bags this Halloween:

Man, and I thought getting Almond Joys in my bag was a bummer.

So, joined by their mutual dislike for Catholics, maybe the militant gay groups and these nutty Evangelicals can get together and join forces. But I would recommend they don\’t do it at the International Conference on Homo-Fascism.

So, you remember a couple of months ago, when I wrote a post about my night going to see Guns n\’ Roses tribute band Paradise City? Of course you do.

Anyway, just today, the following epic comment showed up on that post. Here it is, in its glorious entirety:

Of ocurse you need to get oyur facts straight before you speak dipshit. Firsto fall Paradise City is the best GNR tribute in the country,,period 200 plus shows a year internationally and they all sell out. Mr. brownstoneisnt good enough to even tunes PCs guitars. Secondly, GNR would ALWAYS open for Bon Jovi on nay planet any venue any place. GNR had ONE decent album tha was a complete rip off of Get your wings by Aerosmith. they have sold 15 million copies of their entire catalog. Bon jovis record sales are well over 100 MILLION. pc/DOA WAS BY FAR THE BEST BAND EVER TO GRACE THE STAGE IN MIDDLETON WISCONSIN. OF OCURSE THE CLUB WAS AT CAPACITY AND THEY DID A 45 MINUTE ENCORE. OF COURSE THE SINGER BLEW YOU OFF, YOUR A DIPSHIT AND THE GUYS AN ACTUAL ROCKSTAR. DO YOUR RESEARCH IDIOT!!!! WHY BE PISSED OFF AND WIRTE A BUNCH OF GARBAGE AND MAKE FUN ABOUT GUYS THAT MAKE WAY MORE MONEY THAN YOU. ARE U MAD BECAUSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS BLOWING THE DRUMMER IN THE PARKING LOT

Dale Houston 09.27.07 – 11:34 am

Such passion! So, apparently I have now started a gang war between supporters of Paradise City and Mr. Brownstone. Also, this young man made it clear that PC is the best band ever to play in Middleton, Wisconsin, and if I only did my research, I would know that. Where exactly do I look that up? The Library of Congress?

Also, I am a little upset to find out what my girlfriend was doing in the parking lot. I imagine my wife will probably be a little more upset, though.

Oh, and remember – Mr. Brownstone at High Noon Saloon on the 27th. My costume is already in the works. Be there, sucka!

The research arm of the UW-Madison finally answers the age-old question: Is there actually a \”five second rule\” when you drop food on the floor?

If a piece of toast fell on the floor, would you pick it up and eat it? You probably would if you believe in the 5-second rule, which suggests that your spilled breakfast stays germ-free as long as you snatch it up in five seconds.

But while the 5-second rule remains a popular rule of thumb, there is no hard science to support it, says Glenn Chambliss, a bacteriologist at UW-Madison. In fact, if you dropped food in places harboring nasties like E. Coli bacteria, any contamination would happen instantaneously, the scientist says.

Next up for the UW: Debunking the myth of \”he who smelt it dealt it.\”

Contrary to the spirit of my last Brewer-related post, I\’ve never been a \”Fire Ned Yost\” kind of guy. Recently, he\’s made some terrible decisions that defy reason. But it\’s not his fault his bullpen is so atrocious – although continuing to use Derrick Turnbow is his fault.

That being said, Yost\’s decision to intentionally hit Albert Pujols with one out in the 8th inning of a game where you\’re losing 3-2 might be the dumbest thing I have ever seen a manager do. After the Cubs had lost, you know your team can pull to within one game with a win. But you intentionally put a runner on and bring in Turnbow, who isn\’t exactly known for getting through innings without allowing baserunners. All so you can get back at Tony La Russa, who is obviously (Barry Bonds excepted) the biggest a-hole in baseball. So congratulations – you got back at the Cardinals, and you can bask in the glory while sitting at home during the playoffs.

Naturally, as I typed this paragraph, Turnbow went hit-walk-walk to give up a run. Then Shouse gave up three more. Boy, I must be a genius. Nobody could have guessed that it might be a bad idea to give up free outs in a crucial game just to prove your manhood.

So congratulations to Ned Yost on losing this crucial game, getting thrown out, and embarrassing himself in the process. I guess you can do that when you get a vote of confidence from your owner. If only someone could have predicted Yost would do something royally stupid to cost themselves a chance at the playoffs.

Oh wait… I did.

And as long as I\’m still venting…

Tony La Russa now officially owns Ned Yost. He got in his head by creating an imaginary beanball war, knowing Yost would lose his cool at some point. If this were prison, Yost would be applying La Russa with daily sponge baths. Yost should just give La Russa his wife and the keys to his car while he\’s at it.

I picked up my computer and started typing this post the second they hit Pujols, knowing full well what was about to happen. I can\’t even explain how painful it is to me that I was absolutely right. Hey, it\’s only been 25 years since the last playoff appearance – what\’s one more, right? It was more important that we get even with the Cardinals.

I was going to complain about the stupidity in the way the Brewers gave up Cardinal runs 2 and 3 (serving up a 3-1 fastball to a power hitter with a light-hitter behind him and 2 outs), but Yost actually managed to eclipse that stupidity with the granddaddy of all managerial abominations. So it\’s not even worth mentioning.

I apologize for the semi-lucidity of this post, but it was written in a blind rage between periods of heavy swearing and almost blacking out.

UPDATE: Thanks to Wrigleyville23 for the link. Feel free to have a good laugh at our expense.