This is historically bad news for my household:

First, it hit the workers. From Milwaukee to Missouri and California, the fake butter flavor they mixed for use in microwave popcorn poisoned their lungs. Now, in the first case of its kind, a doctor has found a possible link between serious lung disease and consumers of microwave popcorn.

\”I was as surprised as I could be,\” said Cecile Rose, the chief occupational and environmental medicine physician at National Jewish Medical and Research Center, one of the nation\’s most prestigious lung disease hospitals. Rose has seen many cases of factory workers\’ lungs destroyed by a chemical called diacetyl, responsible for giving microwave popcorn its buttery flavor, but never in a consumer of the popcorn. Until she started seeing a 53-year-old Colorado man whose favorite snack was microwave popcorn.

I probably down two or three bags of this stuff per week while watching sports. All this time I thought it was going to be the Brewers that finally killed me – instead, it\’s going to be what I\’ve been eating while watching them. Now I\’m going to have to eat more of my wife\’s all-natural hippie popcorn.

Tonight\’s \”Here and Now\” commentary goes out to all the U.S. Americans:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pj3nyJ-MOh8]

There\’s even a little acting. I smell Emmy….

I also need to clarify a point made on the original broadcast. The introduction to my commentary mentioned that I wanted to see the program \”cut.\” That\’s not really the case – I\’m merely lobbying for more parental involvement in the program. Either way, I can imagine the Wisconsin Public Television e-mail server is kindly accepting hate mail as we speak.

As Flannery O\’Connor said, \”you have to push as hard as the age that pushes against you.\”

Tonight\’s the night. Pour a glass of wine, light some candles, get the love oils out, and settle down with the one you love to watch \”Here and Now\” on public television together. I will be providing some moderately considered commentary at roughly the 24 minute mark.

For those in markets where it\’s not on until Sunday, you can catch it online here. I\’ll try to post my part on the site here after it\’s on.

This may be the week that I finally get thrown off the air forever. So you may want to watch carefully.

Rumor has it that there is some sort of \”baseball contest\” being performed at Wrigley Field tonight. I, for one, would rather watch \”Chocolate Rain\” on a three hour loop than watch any more Brewer games this year:

By now, you may have heard about the Meng brothers, Chinese miners who had to go to extraordinary lengths to stay alive while trapped in a mine:

Trapped miners ate coal, drank urine

BEIJING – The Meng brothers felt pretty good about their chances of making it out of the collapsed coal mine, until the sound of digging from outside stopped. With no food or water, they were forced to eat coal and drink their own urine from discarded bottles. When they were too exhausted to try to dig themselves out, they slept huddled together in the cold and dark. Meng Xianchen and Meng Xianyou finally clawed their way to the surface after nearly six days underground — a rare tale of survival in China\’s coal mines, the world\’s deadliest, where an average of 13 workers are killed every day.

Now a question for Brewer fans – would you rather watch the Brewers play the Cubs for the upcoming three game series, or would you rather be trapped in a mine, forced to eat coal and drink your own urine? Take plenty of time to think about it.

POST GAME 1 UPDATE: It\’s urine in a landslide.

I watched Wisconsin\’s own Steve Stricker win the Barclays golf tournament yesterday, which catapulted him into first place in the FedEx standings (whatever the hell those are). With the Brewers blowing more than Jenna Jameson, it is cool to see a good Wisconsin sports story.

But after Stricker made his final putt and got choked up during his post-win interview, I realized how much more important his win was. As he walked off the green, he got a big hug from fellow Wisconsin golfer Jerry Kelly, who was waiting for him. And in a small way, I though Kelly\’s hug was so Wisconsin. I mean, here\’s two guys who are friends from the same state, but constantly competing against each other. But when one succeeds, the other is there to show his appreciation and offer his congratulations.

There are plenty of golfers that hail from the same areas – mostly California and Florida – but you never see these guys wait for each other to congratulate their pals on winning a tournament. I hadn\’t seen that before. And it just seems fitting that they\’re Wisconsin guys. In a hokey way, it seems like that\’s what we\’re all about. Furthermore, I have never received a hug in Minnesota, so screw those guys.

Anyway, it was a nice touch on a day that I concluded that the Brewers have now shaved five years off of my life. When they deliver my eulogy, they should say \”he lived a good life, but it could have been a lot longer if not for the 2007 Milwaukee Brewers.\”

A few weeks ago, the HD Discovery Channel started running episodes of a show called \”It\’s All Geek to Me.\” It\’s a show hosted by New York Times technology columnist David Pogue, and offers reviews and tips on new technologies. (Although two months after filming, the episodes are usually out of date.)

The Discovery Channel posts what they call \”show notes\” that run through the suggestions found in the episodes. I found the notes relating to the show on cell phones pretty helpful. For instance:

Secret “get to the beep” keystrokes:

As noted in the show, you don’t have to listen to the endless outgoing greeting when you just want to leave someone a voicemail message. You can cut directly to the beep by pressing a certain key:
Verizon: press *
Sprint: press 1
T-Mobile or Cingular/AT&T: press #

At the end, I noted sadly that: “Of course, you have to know which carrier the person you’re calling uses, so you know which keystroke to use!”

This remains the fatal flaw of my genius idea (publicizing the “cut to the beep” keystrokes).
But here’s the genius solution: publicize it yourself! When you record your voicemail greeting, say, “Push star at any time to skip Verizon’s gibberish,” or whatever. That way, your callers hear your voice but not the recorded lady’s, and they don’t have to remember what the keystroke is.

I hereby charge the Pogue Army with the task of changing their outgoing cell phone messages, this very day. Let’s teach those cell carriers that they’re not going to run up our bill so easily!

And if you\’re stuck and need free directory assistance:

Call 800-FREE-411. You have to listen to a 20-second ad, but it’s better than paying $2 to your carrier for directory assistance!

Or send a text message to GOOGL (46645) that says “Robert Gonzales 10024” (or whatever person or business you’re looking for). Google will send back the full name, address, and phone number, within just a few seconds.

BONUS TIP: After the show aired, a reader wrote to inform me that you can now have the best of both worlds. You can get FREE directory assistance, WITHOUT having to send a text message! Unfortunately, it’s only a Yellow Pages at the moment (business numbers only — not residential).

The hero again is Google. Just call 800-GOOG-411.

There\’s even a free service for the times where you know you\’re going to be in a boring meeting and want to have someone call you:

You can program http://www.popularitydialer.com to call your cell phone at a specified time, to get you out of a boring meeting or a bad date. It’s free — and it’s awesome!

You can go to the Discovery Channel website to see the tips David Pogue offers on laptop computers, digital cameras, video cameras, and other electronics products.

I was perusing some of my older CDs today, and ran across Motley Crue\’s \”Shout at the Devil.\” In looking at the cover, I was noticing that all the guys in the band really had the glam look down. The whole \’80s hair band effeminate look. That is, all of them except Mick Mars. He\’s just a terrible, terrible looking woman. Honestly, if I were to run into the Crue at a bar, he\’d be the only one I\’d have a chance to hook up with. See below:

The question is: At the time, do you think he was upset at being an ugly female, or did he carry it around as a badge of honor? Is being able to pass as a reasonably good looking chick a bonus? I could go either way on this. I need convincing.

Jim Doyle is touring the flooding in Western Wisconsin, and I have no doubt that Doyle is sincere about wanting to help the people underwater.

However, when I decided to run for Governor, my first promise to voters will be that I will never tour disaster sites. I mean, seriously – what is the purpose? It\’s not like Doyle is swimming out and saving puppies stuck on rooftops or anything.

I will save the taxpayers the tax-funded photo-op. I\’ll just have my advisors say to me the following:

\”Okay, governor, shut your eyes and think of La Crosse. Now think about La Crosse with a lot of water in it. That\’s pretty much what it\’s like.\” Then I will declare an emergency, write a check, and be done with it. And the money I would have spent on some bogus fly-over will go to flooding victims.

In fact, the only photo op that I will take advantage of will be when Lindsay Lohan inevitably comes to Madison to film \”The Audrey Seiler Story.\” Mark it down.

And I probably need to work a little on my campaign slogan: \”Your ass is paying too much in taxes.\”

When I initially saw this headline:

Paris Hilton defamation lawsuit settled

I immediately thought that some woman was accused of being Paris Hilton and sued the person for saying it. Sadly, it was a lawsuit filed based on something the actual Paris Hilton said.

For months, I have been anticipating seeing the movie \”Superbad.\” So I went by myself on Friday night, determined to brave the teenie crowd in search of hearty laughs.

And while it wasn\’t the epic laugh-o-rama that I had expected, it was still pretty solid. If you\’re among the throngs of YouTube viewers enthralled by the dirty trailer, then you\’ve already seen about 80 percent of the movie\’s best lines. The whole McLovin/cops storyline is hilarious, despite the underlying joke being wildly overused months before the movie even opened.

The main storyline dealing with the relationship between Seth (Jonah Hill) and Evan (Michael Cera) is a little less inspired. I\’m certainly not allergic to profanity, but swear words alone do not a joke make. The first 15 minutes is just a profane diatribe without any actual punch lines or clever commentary. I guess you\’re supposed to laugh at the familiarity of the topics (friends of mine and I discussed the \”tuck and cover\” maneuver decades ago), but it just seems like empty calories.

And I do have to admit that at my advanced age, all this sex talk by high schoolers is a little unsettling. Sure, I know that\’s how it really is. But when they actually show some of these high school girls in certain sexual situations, I felt kind of creepy. I thought they might slap a GPS ankle monitor on me on the way out of the theater. Girls that young just can\’t be having sex. I refuse to believe it. At that age, they certainly didn\’t have sex with me. Maybe that\’s why I\’m having so much trouble picturing it.

That\’s not to say that I wouldn\’t recommend it. Michael Cera can\’t help but be funny every second he\’s on the screen. But beware of those who might say this is their generation\’s \”American Graffiti\” or \”Sixteen Candles.\” It\’s good enough, but doesn\’t touch the classics.

I\’m not sure if they keep a world record for \”most swearing during a weekend,\” but I would have obliterated it these past couple of days. Consider the following:

1. The Brewers
2. Flooding
3. My satellite crapping out during the Packer game
4. My purchase of Madden 2008 (If you play it, you know what I mean)

Incidentally, the 2007-08 Packers are now 2-1 in my Madden preseason. Tough loss against the Seahawks, followed by a blowout of the Jaguars. There is no doubt that this is a positive harbinger for the real Packers this year. Even though, for some reason, James Jones is white in the game.

Also, I am demanding a divorce from the Brewers. This relationship has been abusive for too long. All I ask is sole custody of Ryan Braun.

My new column is up at the WPRI website. It attempts to aid Democrats in their recruitment of potential voters.

In it, I propose an imaginary blind date with a woman who claims she looks like Eva Longoria, but ends up looking like Natalie Portman. It was intended to imply that Portman is a little step below, but still hot.

Naturally, I have already begun receiving criticism from Portman fans, who say she is much preferable to Longoria. I actually conducted a small focus group which put Longoria on top, so I went with that.

So I apologize to all the Queen Amidala fans out there in their basements. I probably agree with you – but I did take a survey, and science is science.

Clowns seem to be making a lot of news these days, with Barney Baloney being put on \”Britian\’s Most Wanted\” list because of his potentially lethal use of balloons.

Now comes a video of this woman trying to overcome her fear of clowns, known medically as \”coulrophobia.\” Let\’s just hope, for all our sake, that the Wisconsin Senate Democrats\’ universal health plan covers treatment of coulrophobia. We can send them all to Baraboo for intensive therapy, or at least to be smacked in the head by a giant floppy shoe.

In any event, enjoy:

The front page of today\’s Wisconsin State Journal features an article about the UW-Madison\’s \”Parent Program,\” which provides services for parents who just can\’t let their little angels go. The article features mother and daughter team Amy and Alynna Smith, who apparently are a little… close. It appears that Alynna will not be able to live her college life without her mother knowing every move she makes, since that\’s clearly how it works at home now.

While her mother\’s intent in participating in this story was clearly to show how much she loves her daughter, she may actually have just put a target on Alynna\’s back when she shows up on campus. I\’m sure there will be plenty of guys in the dorms who would delight in being the first one to take a crack at Amy\’s little girl. Hooray for unintended consequences!

I don\’t necessarily fault the UW for having such a program, because these clingy parents are probably a royal pain. But instead of having a full fledged program to deal with them, the UW should just set up a hotline, that says the following:

\”If you are calling to pay your child\’s tuition, press \’one.\’ If you are calling because you are having anxiety about your child being in college without you there, then it might be time for you to grow the hell up and leave your kid alone. To return to the main menu, press the star key.\”

Naturally, I draw on my own personal experience with regard to parental involvement in my college life. When my dad packed our van up with all my stuff to drive me to college, I\’m not sure I\’ve ever seen him move so fast. I\’m sure as soon as he got back, the champagne corks were popping in my house. The day after I left for college, my mom converted my bedroom into her own personal art studio. So when I came home to visit, I had to sleep on the floor among pottery and pressed flower pictures.

It\’s not a crime to care about your children and wish them well. But we have reached a point where the kids might actually be more grown-up than the parents.

UPDATE: It appears Newsweek has named UW-Madison their \”Hottest Big State School.\” No doubt, this honor is due to the wide array of parental babysitting options the UW offers.