This week, the local Madison ABC affiliate (Channel 27) added a 6:30 newscast to its slate of 5:00, 6:00, and 10:00 newscasts.

It\’s no secret that I\’m partial to Channel 27 ever since anchor Christa Dubill played along with one of my joke posts about her. That being said, I watched the 6:30 show, and it appears to be a great idea.

First, it fills a need for people who want more news. Local newscasts are famously devoid of any real content – they are essentially vehicles to show off the latest version of the Doppler weathercast they subscribe to. And they appear to be trending in the direction of attempting to avoid any real news at all.

So it\’s refreshing to see a station that is actually giving viewers credit enough to try to provide more real news. It looks like they are using the extra half hour to discuss the top stories at more length and in more detail. And the cut-ins with State Journal reporters seem to be a good idea, although they might want to keep a coat and tie ready in the Journal newsroom, just in case. The extra time should also be an opportunity for the station to provide some opinion content or debate, which is sorely lacking in local television.

As a reward for the station treating you like you\’re not a dope, you should tune in. Giving viewers credit for actually wanting real news should be encouraged. Otherwise, enjoy Wheel of Fortune or Entertainment Tonight at 6:30.

My wife and I are working our way through the \”Freaks and Geeks\” DVDs, and Episode One featured this song. Since I haven\’t been able to get it out of my head for a week, I thought I\’d subject my reader to it, too.

And as a bonus, here\’s another classic – although the violin player has caused me not to sleep for days. I\’m 97% certain he\’s hiding under my bed.

When they\’re not trying to convince us that Madison, Wisconsin is somehow the rap music capitol of North America, The Isthmus can occasionally do some good reporting.

Take this article from last week, for example. The story describes State Representative Terese Berceau\’s irritation at the Wisconsin Elections Board for charging more for the voter lists they generate. Berceau has her Capitol staffer, Tom Powell, obtain the lists from the Elections Board (apparently he has extra time when he\’s not engineering distasteful smear campaigns about city council members.*)

The fourth paragraph of the story says:

Berceau, who uses the list for campaigning and to target newsletter mailings, says the additional cost is “no big deal” for her and other incumbents. But “if somebody is trying to run for office, that’s a big whopping amount of money they have to put out immediately.”

Yes, you read that right. Berceau uses her taxpayer funded capitol staffer to obtain lists from the taxpayer funded Elections Board, which she then uses for campaigning. Surely, the media is outraged at such a blatant use of taxpayer dollars for political gain. I\’m certain newsrooms around the state are burning the midnight oil trying to figure out why Berceau uses the same list to campaign that she uses for sending out her official state newsletter.

Of course everyone remembers former Speaker of the Assembly Scott Jensen, who is likely on his way to prison for ordering staff to use state resources to do campaign work. Since there is no statute that explicitly prohibits using state resources for political gain (which was one of Jensen\’s defenses), one has to go to the statutory footnotes to find out what he did broke the law. They say:

946.12 – ANNOT.
Sub. (3) is not unconstitutionally vague. It does not fail to give notice that hiring and directing staff to work on political campaigns on state time with state resources is a violation…Legislators or their employees are not prohibited from doing or saying anything related to participation in political campaigns so long as they do not use state resources for that purpose.

When you read the Appeals Court decision in the Jensen case, it lays out specifically what Jensen did to break the law on page 35 (my emphasis): **

All the allegations of the criminal complaint describe campaign activity of the most basic type: the preparation and dissemination of campaign literature, political fundraising on behalf of a number of candidates for the Wisconsin Assembly, the delivery and receipt of campaign funds in state offices by lobbyists and state employees, campaign data management on state computers, daily monitoring of campaign progress by all three defendants, development and implementation of campaign strategy and debriefing of an election cycle on state time in state offices. The result:public financing of private campaigns without the public\’s permission. There is no reasonable argument that this alleged activity serves any legitimate legislative duty or purpose. No statute, rule or policy sanctions this behavior.

This decision was affirmed by the Wisconsin Supreme Court, so all of the above transgressions are now apparently prohibited by law (even though the law doesn\’t explicitly say so, and the Court came to this decision based on a couple e-mails sent to Assembly employees – which now apparently have the force of law. One wonders if it is now legal to solicit dates from HoRnY HoUsEwIveS.)

So according to this new standard of what is legal and illegal in politics, it appears that Berceau has admitted to breaking the law. If she has been using her taxpayer funded staff to obtain taxpayer produced voter lists to campaign, that would certainly appear not to have any \”legitimate legislative duty or purpose.\”

But here\’s the problem – I don\’t have any problem with what Berceau did. Nor do I have any problem with much of what Jensen did. Jensen, however, has been killed in the media for using taxpayer resources for campaigning – and here we have a Democrat who admits as much, and it won\’t even elicit a yawn.

If you concede that there is a line between politics and legitimate government business, then I do believe Jensen crossed it by condoning the employment of a full time fundraiser on a state payroll. You just can\’t have people dialing for dollars from a Capitol office.

Furthermore, no reasonable person would try to equate the actions of Berceau and Jensen – Jensen was the Speaker of the Assembly, and if you believe that politics is inherently wrong (I don\’t), then what he did was on a much grander scale.

But to somehow think that Scott Jensen was the only one engaged in politics at the Capitol is ludicrous. Whether anyone actually cares seems wholly dependent on what party you belong to, and whether you support full taxpayer financing of elections. And yes, I know Chuck Chvala went to jail, but I believe there actually was a statute that explicitly prohibited extortion.

*SIDE NOTE: If former Speaker John Gard had hired a staff member who had been caught posting distasteful doctored internet pictures of city council members, how do you think he would have been treated by the media? Do I even need to ask?

**DOUBLE SIDE NOTE: Actually reading the Jensen decision was enlightening. It essentially boils down to the court saying \”there\’s really no statute saying he couldn\’t do this, but the chief clerk sent out an e-mail saying he shouldn\’t do it, and \’common sense\’ says it is wrong, so therefore he\’s guilty.\” Needless to say, there are plenty of things that I think are \”common sense\” with which the court would likely disagree.

New York (AP) – In a stunning development, New York Giants special teams specialist Chad Morton died on the field on Sunday after a hit by a New Orleans Saints backup tight end. \”I can\’t believe he would actually die from a sprained ankle,\” said team doctor Harris Trinsky. \”But he didn\’t have his insurance card on him, so what could I do?\” said Trinsky.

Earlier this fall, the Giants cancelled their team health insurance, instead choosing to let the government implement a universal health care plan. \”The taxpayers of New Jersey are building us a new stadium, I don\’t see why they shouldn\’t be on the hook for our medical care,\” said team President John Mara. Experts have noted that if the Giants had been covered by a public health program, Morton would have had to wait five months for treatment, and would likely be misdiagnosed as having acute halitosis instead of a sprained ankle.

Morton\’s presence on the field became a distraction during a crucial fourth quarter drive, when the Saints\’ Reggie Bush was running for the end zone and tripped over his rotting corpse. Bush fumbled the ball, then had his limbs torn off by the vultures that had previously been feasting on Morton. The vultures were each penalized 15 yards apiece, and after the game one signed on to return punts for the Minnesota Vikings next year.

The Giants did begin giving their players a stipend for health savings accounts several months ago, but Morton spent his money on a Playstation 3 and the first three seasons of Silver Spoons on DVD.

A few weeks back, I (justifiably) made fun of the Wisconsin Democracy Campaign\’s insistence on making Catholic churches disclose their funding, due to the churches\’ advocacy in favor of the gay marriage ban. It seemed to be a clear example of attempting to thwart a church\’s right to disseminate their teachings.

Often times, people reach for hyperbole to describe such actions. They\’d say things like \”that sounds like something the Nazis would do,\” or \”what is this, Communist Russia?\” However, in this case, I don\’t need to use hyperbole – Russia has done it for me (and since I just read a book on Russia, it makes me an instant expert).

From USA Today:

ROSTOV-ON-DON, Russia — The Kremlin might back away from a new law that would force churches and religious groups to report to the government on their services, sermons and sources of income.

The rules, contained in a law passed in April, have sparked outrage among human rights groups, churches operating in Russia and Western governments, including the European Union. The Russian government passed the law in an effort to monitor the activities of organizations such as Amnesty International and Doctors Without Borders, foreign-funded groups that President Vladimir Putin has warned might interfere in domestic politics.

During his seven years as president, Putin\’s government has asserted greater state control over independent Russian media and business. It also has eliminated most political opposition in parliament and turned the country\’s governorships from elected to appointed jobs…

The country\’s religious leaders say the reporting requirements are onerous and a painful reminder of the religious suppression of the Soviet era. \”We think it\’s wrong and even impossible to comply,\” says Thaddaeus Kondrusiewicz, the Catholic archbishop in Moscow.

Well, I have news for Russian citizens – there are groups here in Wisconsin that think it\’s a great idea.

The Wisconsin Democracy campaign is afraid of religious organizations that attempt to influence politics, so they try to regulate their speech. The Kremlin is afraid of religious organizations that attempt to influence politics, so they regulate their speech.

And just for the record, The WDC is the group that most newspapers are completely comfortable with writing Wisconsin\’s new campaign finance reform laws. If you want Mike McCabe to be in charge of how much speech you are allowed with regard to candidates and elections, his group is for you.

I don\’t have any opinion as to whether Brett Favre will retire or not, but I think my actions on Sunday night kind of tell which way I\’m leaning.

I was lucky enough to go to the Thursday night Packer game against the Vikings, and my ticket stub got soaked in the rain. After Favre gave his teary-eyed speech on national TV, I realized something – I didn\’t know where my ticket stub was. After all, that could have been Favre\’s last home game, right?

So I started scrambling around the house looking for it. I asked my wife if she had seen it. She looked at me and said, (make sure you\’re sitting down):

\”What\’s the big deal?\”

So if you see my ticket stub laying around somewhere, let me know. I\’ll give you big fat York hug. (Side note: In college, I once opened a beer, took a few sips, and misplaced it. Distraught, I took a marker and drew up a \”LOST: ONE BEER\” sign, complete with an artist\’s rendering of what the beer looked like. I xeroxed them off and put them up all over the neighborhood before I realized that I had taken my beer into the bathroom with me. Trust me, at the time it was pretty funny, as the missing beer was probably my ninth.)

Oh, and one last thing – this Sports Illustrated article on whether Favre will retire was a little odd. Notice at the end how they talk, not once, but twice, about how fat Aaron Rodgers is. Is this Sports Illustrated or Teen Cosmo?

Hope everyone out there had a Merry Christmas. Mine was excellent, as I got to watch my daughter almost jump out of her skin with happiness over her presents. More importantly, Christmas marks the end of those greaseballs at the mall that shoot toy helicopters at you. If a helicopter ever touches me, one of those dirtbags is going down. That\’s a promise!

Anyway, my gifts were more interesting. On Thursday, I got a card from my lefty sister saying she made a contribution of $50 in my name to heifer.org, which is an international food bank or something. She actually said in the card, \”Isn\’t this better than a Best Buy card?\” They send you an itemized e-mail telling you that your $50 bought some ducks and a goat for a farmer in an impoverished country. I\’m wondering when I get my first letter in the mail from the goat.

I\’m actually thinking I should send her an e-mail telling her \”thanks for the goat – he just got here yesterday. He\’s enjoying grazing in the back yard.\” There is also a 100% chance I rig the family secret santa drawing next year so that I get her name. Won\’t she be surprised when she gets my card informing her she just made a $50 contribution to Wisconsin Right to Life?

Make sure ewe sign up for the \”Women\’s Lambing\” program. I know I have some guy friends interested in the \”Women\’s Porking\” programs, but I think those can be found at a different website altogether.

We went on Sunday night and caught a Kid\’s Christmas Pageant. I can only imagine how proud the parents of the kids in the pageant are. I\’d start getting my 4 year old daughter ready for the pageant next year, but I\’m pretty sure she has Satan\’s cell phone number. They probably talk regularly about how fun it is to draw on the walls in crayon.

She asked me a whole slew of Baby Jesus related questions, and I wasn\’t exactly sure how to answer. For instance, she asked whether Baby Jesus is all grown up. I told her that he died for our sins, which drew me a stern rebuke from my wife. Maybe I should just tell her that Jesus has been reborn in the form of Dwyane Wade and make everyone happy.

Santa brought my daughter a two-wheel bike, which was her number one gift request (number two was a candy cane). To go along with the bike (which still has training wheels), my wife went and bought the full helmet-elbow pads-knee pads combo pack. When she puts it all on, she looks like she\’s a stormtrooper.

I\’ll never understand the constant over-protection of kids that society demands. If she just wants to go out and ride her bike on the sidewalk, I have to dress her like she\’s going in to root out Baathist insurgents. Is there really a problem with 4 year old girls smashing into things and injuring their heads? My friends and I used to build ramps at the bottom of our street and go flying off of them, pad-less. It\’s called being a kid.

One last thing – if we ever find out that Jews have it right, I\’m forwarding my post-Christmas credit card bill directly to the Vatican.

And for the fan of this blog, look forward to some big things in the new year. For instance, I plan on starting to wear men\’s underwear.

Melanie Conklin has strengthened her case for a 2006 Pulitzer Prize by including me in her \”what I want for Christmas\” column today. I\’m way at the end.

Oh, and that quote is actually wife-approved. How great is she?

For the last few days, I\’ve just been laying around, completely uninspired and without original thought. So as us gentiles get ready to celebrate the birth of Santa, I\’ll probably remain lazy and not post a lot. I reserve the right to post something if so inspired (like if Flavor Flav once again touches my life in a particularly profound way), but it\’s unlikely.

In closing, I would like to congratulate myself on being named Time\’s person of the year, just narrowly beating out Barbaro and lasagna. I was clearly who they had in mind when they breathlessly wrote:

And for seizing the reins of the global media, for founding and framing the new digital democracy, for working for nothing and beating the pros at their own game, TIME\’s Person of the Year for 2006 is you…

It\’s about the many wresting power from the few and helping one another for nothing and how that will not only change the world, but also change the way the world changes.

I concur completely. And to validate their point, here are a couple world-changing posts I wrote about farts, poop, bikini waxing, and boners.

Oh, and before I forget – it\’s been a while since we visited The Kid From Brooklyn, so here you go – he\’s got a song for you.

From the BBC:

Ukraine babies in stem cell probe
By Matthew Hill BBC Health Correspondent

Healthy new-born babies may have been killed in Ukraine to feed a flourishing international trade in stem cells, evidence obtained by the BBC suggests. Disturbing video footage of post-mortem examinations on dismembered tiny bodies raises serious questions about what happened to them.

It could possibly be a result of harvesting stem cells from bone marrow.

It is clear that the UW-Madison needs to pick it up if it wants to reclaim its title of \”Stem Cell Capital of the World.\” Obviously, the Ukraine is far more progressive than Wisconsin in extracting stem cells – where are our mass graves of baby body parts, UW? Shouldn\’t we be doing everything we can to help grandma with her Parkinson\’s? Think of all the high paying jobs it would create – aren\’t we passing on big-time economic development potential?

We need to be aggressive in targeting pregnant mothers for their little life-saving packages. When they go into labor, I propose we make them sign a confusing document that gives them the right to not donate their child to the UW. If that doesn\’t work, we can try special promotions – \”Get a $50 gift card to Ann Taylor with the donation of any canned good or live baby.\”

Generally, I’m in the “all religions should get along” camp. But I’ve noticed something that’s kind of bothered me, and I need some direction as to whether I should be offended or not.

I’ve been working my way through all of the Curb Your Enthusiasm DVDs, and I’ve noticed how often Larry David, who is Jewish, uses the phrase “Jesus Christ!” to express shock or disgust.

Traditionally, people say “Jesus Christ!” when they really want to add a little kick to their expression of disbelief. This is especially true, albeit wrong, for Christians – since they are taking the name of their Savior in vain. This has led to such well known sayings as “Jesus Christ – that camel is going to eat my whole Cinnabon!” and “Jesus Christ – his nose is so hairy, it looks like he inhaled a bunny rabbit!” In fact, I regularly work the Lord’s name into new and exciting 18 word phrases during Packer games.

But for non-Christians, the phrase doesn’t really pack the same punch. Since Jews aren’t really big on the whole “divinity of Christ” bandwagon, they could literally pick anyone to use as an interjection and it would be equally as effective. They could say, for example, “Burl Ives, why can’t our mother wear underwear in public?” and it would have the same impact. So why do they get to choose our guy JC?

So basically, non-Christians get to use the Christian Savior as a punchline without having to do all the sucky crap that good Christians have to do (go to church, contribute financially, threaten abortionists, etc.). It’s kind of like when people within certain ethic or religious groups can make jokes and use disparaging words about their own people – because in the end, everyone knows that they are still in alignment with that group.

But when a member of any group steps outside and begins making comments or using words used by another group, there tends to be trouble. For instance, I would never say something like “Oh, Mohammed! That enchilada gave me fire ass!” See, that would be offensive – and I don’t see how it would be any different for a Muslim to say the same using Jesus’ name.

I am willing to find common ground on this. As a concession, I am willing to relinquish Christian control of such popular religious sayings as \”For the love of God,\” \”God dammit,\” and \”Turd burglar.\”

I hate to get all Mel Gibson on this, but it did kind of bother me a little. Incidentally, look for my new film, “Chocalypto,” which tells the harrowing story of how Count Chocula was able to fend off invasion by the white milk.

And on the scale of things that irritate me, this is low on the list – well behind people that throw cigarettes out their car windows.

I think I’m going to officially decree Greenbush Bar as my favorite Madison restaurant. It’s a cozy little neighborhood bar on Regent Street that has an inviting feel and great food. I usually get the spaghetti and meatballs, and the sauce is out of this world. In fact, I’m trying to hunt down where I can buy sauce like that – it’s a lot lighter in both texture and taste than the stuff you buy at the store, which tends to be pasty. The menu says it’s “Sicilian style,” so is that a real type of sauce? Oh, and the personal pizzas are the best pizzas in Madison, which unfortunately isn’t saying much.

(I’m expecting a call any minute from the State Journal to do restaurant reviews.)

While you\’re busy roasting your nuts with your family over the holiday, make sure you don\’t forget that December 22nd is Global Orgasm Day. In an effort to protest by doing something they would be doing anyway, a group of hippies has decided to voice their displeasure with the war by having everyone in the world have sex at the same time.

From their website (which isn\’t nearly as awesome as it sounds):

The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.

The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.

Of course, there is hard scientific evidence to back up their claims:

The Global Consciousness Project (http://noosphere.princeton.edu/), runs a network of Random Event Generators (REGs) around the world, which record changes in randomness during global events. The results show that human consciousness can be measured to have a global effect on matter and energy during widely-watched events such as 9/11 and the Indian Ocean tsunami. There have also been measurable results during mass meditations and prayers.

It should suprise no one that I think this is a fantastic idea. Although at the \”climactic moment,\” I\’m generally not thinking about peace – I\’m usually thinking, \”I wonder if she\’ll be able to break a twenty?\”

First of all, it totally gives you an excuse when you \”protest\” a little too early. When everyone finds out that you protested about 10 minutes before everyone else, you can just blame it on your extreme dislike of Bush. High fives all around! (but wash your hands first).

It\’s also exciting to know that I may have been a political radical all throughout my teenage years and not even known it. Actually, given the fact that I held my own one man protest every time the JC Penney catalog came, I might as well have been the Che Guevara of White Oak Lane.

Furthermore, I have figured out that sex can actually be part of your civic duty. I know that every time I have it, it reminds me that there\’s a congressional election coming up.

Remember, Think Globally, Bone Locally.

There seems to be this weird underground movement of nerds filming themselves opening newly bought electronics and posting the footage on the internet. I know… I didn\’t really understand it myself at first. But apparently some people derive pleasure from watching others open Playstation 3 boxes. In fact, there\’s even a website dedicated to this activity, which has been given the name \”unboxing\” by the Worldwide Council of People Living in Their Parents\’ Basements.

Here\’s an example of what I\’m talking about:

Note the lack of furniture in the room – I doubt that\’s a coincidence, just a matter of nerd priority. This is actually too lame even to be funny – just deeply disturbing. Can\’t these guys just get off to the shower scene in Sixteen Candles like in the old days?

I\’ve complained in past posts that 80% of local newscasts is now weather forecasts. At this point, you\’re just tuning in to the weather to see what the news is like. They go on and on about the dew point, relative humidity, barometric pressure, and other things you couldn\’t care less about.

So here\’s my suggestion to local meteorologists – if you\’re going to hog the newscast, at least give me information I can actually use. When it gets cold out, there\’s only one thing I need to know when I leave the house:

Am I going to need to wear a hat?

You see, whether to wear a hat or not to work is an important decision. When men get out of the shower, it takes a long time to do our hair to make it look like we didn\’t spend any time doing our hair. But when you throw a hat on a wet head, it makes you look like you combed your hair with a pork chop by the time you get to work. You may begin to notice people not sitting near you in the work cafeteria anymore.

So I propose the creation of the MHI (Messy Hair Index). Just figure out the proper temperature at which I need to throw on a lid, and let me know when the MHI is in play so I can plan for it. I need to know this about a hundred times more than I need to know whether there\’s a high pressure system hovering over Nebraska.

I\’m issuing that challenge to you, Gary Cannalte. Are you man enough to accept?