I\’m feeling kind of sick tonight, so no heavy duty blogging.

Instead, I thought I\’d shine a little light on what a dork I was in my teenage years. When I was in high school, I got my hands on one of my Dad\’s Woody Allen paperback books, Side Effects. In reading it, I immediately decided I wanted to write stories just like that – this is before I even really knew him as a filmmaker (I was probably 14). His short story writing style is completely different from his work writing screenplays, and to be honest, I much prefer it.

From \”My Speech to the Graduates,\” in Side Effects:

\”More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.\”

Anyway, here\’s a link to one of Woody Allen\’s short stories, \”The Whore of Mensa,\” from his book Without Feathers. Good way to knock off about 10 minutes.

A few years ago, some friends of mine got together and shot this video. Hope you like it, and good luck getting the song out of your head. Who said the day of the great music video is over?

(The chances of you adopting a fake Swedish accent and mock dancing for your co-workers just rose to 100%)

H/T, Dave Barry

Madison – In an unprecedented legal maneuver, the Wisconsin Democracy Campaign today filed a complaint against Jesus H. Christ for his advocacy on behalf of his father, our Lord. “When Jesus goes around pushing the Lord as our savior, he needs to include the proper disclaimer,” said noted idiot Mike McCabe. “We all know that deeply held religious views are what are corroding our state,” said McCabe. As a result of the ruling, God will have to recall all of his campaign literature, commonly known as “The Bible.”

Earlier this week, McCabe filed a complaint against the Madison Catholic diocese, which had the gall to urge their members to vote for the ban on gay marriage in Wisconsin. Coincidentally, that happens to be an official church teaching. Apparently immune to irony, McCabe’s “nonpartisan” organization has urged voters to oppose the marriage ban, yet still refuses to disclose his donors. In fact, the only campaign that McCabe failed to influence was the democratic primary in which he actually ran as a candidate, and was beaten by a 4 to 1 margin.

When reached for comment, Christ said he opposes gay marriage, but in fairness, also opposes marriage between straight ugly people. “I’m being crucified for this. I mean, Jesus Christ, what’s the big deal?” said the Son of God. The Lord has been locked in an eternal struggle with the Devil for universal supremacy that has recently turned ugly, with the introduction of a new Satanic television ad that criticizes God for being soft on tsunamis.

The complaint also alleges Christ failed to list his gift of eternal salvation to mankind as an in-kind contribution, when it is clearly valued at around $75. A judge sentenced Christ to 30 hours of community service, where he will help the poorest of Wisconsin’s citizens by granting them more minutes on their monthly cell phone plans.

In a rare use of his omnipotence following the trial, Christ turned McCabe into a plate of potatoes au gratin, which instantly raised McCabe’s IQ by 30 points. The Democracy Campaign also filed a motion prohibiting the Church from teaching the story of Jesus caring for the lepers, instead directing priests to refer to them as “partial Americans.” The popular Judy Blume book “Are You There God?, It’s Me, Margaret” will also be pulled from elementary school libraries, as it clearly constitutes issue advocacy.

In related news, 6 year old Simon Benjamin of New Glarus informed his mother that her instructions to clean up his room weren’t valid, as she had not turned in the required paperwork.

Authorized and Paid for By Anyone With Any F-ing Common Sense

I\’m sorry, I still can\’t get over this story:

Dog Saves Owner, Dies Trying to Save Cat

ELKHART LAKE, Wis. Oct 16, 2006 (AP)— After a disabled woman\’s cat started a house fire, her specially trained dog came to the rescue, then died trying to help the cat still in the house. Jamie Hanson said the 13-year-old dog named Jesse brought the phone so she could call 911 and also brought her artificial leg.

This is the most heroic dog in our state\’s history. The dog brought the woman her artificial leg and the phone so she could call 911. Then, he selflessy went in to save the cat, who he probably hated and just knew started the damn fire. And he gave his life to do so.

I propose naming at least one humane society in the state after my man Jesse. May the toilets in heaven always provide you with fresh drinking water, my friend.

One of Governor Jim Doyle’s key talking points against challenger Mark Green has been Green’s supposed fiscal irresponsibility as a member of Congress. In a television ad currently running, Doyle paints himself as a responsible budgeter, while Congress has been “spending like crazy.”

In the first gubernatorial debate, Doyle tried to hammer this point home:

\”This is going to be a lot about how they\’ve done things in Washington compared to how they do them in Madison,\” said Doyle. \”We\’ve balanced our budget . . . as opposed to a federal deficit that has just grown and grown and grown.\”

In the second debate, Doyle stayed on message:

Doyle twice accused Green of lecturing him, which the governor said was hardto take given what he said was the inability of Congress to balance the federal budget or reform health care. \”I\’ve seen Washington fail us over and over,\” Doyle said.

Set aside, for a moment, the idea that Wisconsin’s budget is actually balanced. State law requires it to be, on a cash basis. So if Doyle hadn’t “balanced” the budget, he’d be breaking the law. Additionally, Doyle’s enormous transfers of one time money and budgeting gimmicks have actually left the state with a $1.5 billion hole to fill in the next budget, when you account for future obligations.

What’s more interesting is Doyle’s sudden aversion to federal spending. When the federal government spends money, a large chunk of that spending goes to the states to fill their budget holes. In the current biennial budget, federal spending makes up 25% of total state spending ($13.5 billion) – primarily for big ticket items like Medical Assistance. If this money were cut, the state would have a huge hole to fill, and Doyle would have to make a decision to either cut senior benefits or raise taxes to pay for them. Somehow, I think he’d just prefer the federal money.

The gods of irony were laughing especially hard this week, when Doyle proposed a brand-new program to provide $4.25 million in increased dental care for kids. And where did Doyle find the money to spend on his pre-election gimmick? That’s right – it’s the same federal money that he complains about when it’s politically expedient. Just last month, Doyle actually tried to play politics with Medicaid money, complaining that Green wasn\’t spending enough. If Congress hadn’t had an itchy spending finger, Doyle would have to fund his campaign pandering out of pocket.

One needs only to think back to the last couple of state budgets to find Doyle at the federal government’s doorstep with his hand out, begging for more money. In the 2003-05 budget, Doyle relied on a complicated federal billing scheme known as the Intergovernmental Transfer Program to plug a $400 million state budget hole. In the end, it was money that didn\’t fully materialize. During that budget, Doyle was singing a different tune about federal spending:

In his speech, Doyle promised to fight hard for the additional $408 million – which he needs to pay for future health-care programs.

\”Washington is taking its usual position of saying they won\’t pay,\” Doyle said. \”Democrats and Republicans are in this together, and we all need to make Wisconsin\’s taxpayers get their fair share under the law.\”

Doyle plans to bill the federal government for the past three years of Medicaid costs, hoping to draw $580 million more in federal funds, since Washington pays 60% of the program. After costs of the deal are subtracted, Doyle said state government would net $408 million more.

Incidentally, I eagerly anticipate Doyle criticizing Democratic Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin for Congress “spending like crazy.” A brief look at Baldwin’s press releases shows how proud she is of all the spending she brings back to Madison. In fact, at a recent Wispolitics.com lunch event, Baldwin openly bragged that she just topped the $150 million mark in bringing resources back to her district (click here and fast forward to the 10:15 mark). Surely, an aggressive federal deficit hawk like Doyle would disapprove of such reckless spending increases.

Isn\’t Doyle criticizing Green for federal spending increases a little like being angry at your pimp for buying a new pinky ring? Doyle is dependent on the billions of dollars the federal government sends him to make his budget whole. Rather than criticize Green, who as one of 535 members of Congress really doesn’t have much say over federal spending levels, maybe Doyle should actually be thanking him for the cash. Without it, how else would Doyle run his campaign?

There\’s an old saying the politics is Hollywood for ugly people. If that were the case, I\’d be the Leonardo DiCaprio of Wisconsin Politics.

This Washington Post Story is a prime reason why you\’ll never see Dennis York for Congress:

…Attractive politicians have an edge over not-so-attractive ones. The phenomenon is resonating especially this year. By a combination of luck and design, Democrats seem to be fielding an uncommonly high number of uncommonly good-looking candidates.

The beauty gap between the parties, some on Capitol Hill muse, could even be a factor in who controls Congress after Election Day.

Democratic operatives do not publicly say that they went out of their way this year to recruit candidates with a high hotness quotient. Privately, however, they acknowledge that, as they focused on finding the most dynamic politicians to challenge vulnerable Republicans, it did not escape their notice that some of the most attractive prospects were indeed often quite attractive.

Of course, one of the \”hot\” candidates that they mention is U.S. Senate candidate Harold Ford of Tennessee, who kind of looks like a martian – so they may be conconcting a \”trend\” that isn\’t necessarily there. I guess \”hot\” in politics applies to anyone that doesn\’t resemble a sleestak.

In looking for pictures for one of my past posts, I ran across a Flikr.com photo album of fathers and sons. It looks like anyone can post a picture with their kid, and a lot of them will make you go \”awwwwww….\” I also think you can watch them as a slide show.

You can see it here, and there\’s one of mothers and daughters here.

Madison – A revolutionary new law enforcement program hopes to confuse pedophiles by having their child targets dress as adults to throw them off the scent. \”This is a cutting edge police program that should serve as a model for the nation,\” said Madison Police Chief Noble Wray.

A recent test of the program yielded spectacular results. First, a number of known sex offenders were pulled from the Democratic Party mailing list and stationed around a local elementary school. The cops then sent a fourth grader out of the school dressed as a janitor smoking a cigarette and talking about what a pain in the ass his wife is, and he slipped by, unscathed. Another kid was then sent out of the school dressed as Batman. \”Everyone knows Batman is really a grown man, so there\’s no way I was going to mess with him,\” said sex offender Miles Charles. \”You don\’t get good at luring children into your van by being stupid,\” he added.

\”We\’re going to need $3.2 billion in order to carry out the program, which will save thousands of children from sexual abuse,\” said Wisconsin Superintendent of Schools Elizabeth Burmaster. The additional funds are necessary to buy approximately 200,000 fake mustaches for the boys and an equal number of fake cigarette burns for the girls. The teachers\’ union has some experience with a similar program, where they dress children up as union demonstrators and bus them down to Madison to protest their lack of a pay increase.

Despite the program\’s resounding success, it has has some minor glitches. So far, a problem with the program occurred when a child dressed as a cowboy gave a kid dressed as an Indian a blanket infected with smallpox during naptime. The little Indian was immediately sent home from school, where he was greeted by Governor Jim Doyle seeking a campaign contribution. In another mixup, Stevie Jensen dressed up as a soldier and was immediately called up to join fighting in Fallujah by the Bush Administration.

In an ingenious move, little Joey Moretti decided to dress up as a pedophile, in hopes of repelling actual pedophiles. Ironically, Joey was immediately hired as the Dean of Students at UW-Madison.

This program will be followed up by a new sting operation where police officers dress like children in an attempt to lure pedophiles.

Courtesy of \”Flavor of Love 2:\”

\”Quit interrupting my prayers before God direct me to whoop yo ass.\”

A new report out proving that the Packers are conspiring to kill me:

Televised sports could be killing its key male demo…literally.

That\’s according to a study being presented to the annual meeting of the American College of Emergency Physicians in New Orleans.

The three-year study, conducted by Dr. David Jerard, associate professor of emergency medicine at the University of Maryland Hospital in Baltimore, found that \”Male patient visits to the ED [Emergency Department] increase significantly in the hours immediately after the conclusion of sporting events broadcast on radio and TV.\”

How significantly? His emergency room saw 75% more male patients in the few hours following a Division I college football game broadcast on TV and radio than during a comparable nongame period, 50% more male patients immediately following a pro football game, and 30%-40% more following a baseball game.

Remind me to put 911 on my speed dial for the next game. Thankfully, the Pack has a bye week this week, so Commissioner Goodell has granted me an extra week to live.

In the spirit of multicultural understanding, I thought I\’d post this clip from Saudi Arabia, where the speaker explains the difference between the sexes. Proof that we may actually be able to find common ground with the people of the Middle East.

For those of you dying to know what I look like, my daughter drew a picture of me. It\’s a dead ringer – I may just see if I can sub this in as my driver\’s license photo. I also think it accurately reflects my mood while at work.

Madison – The Wisconsin Democrats\’ chances of winning took a big hit yesterday when Attorney General candidate Kathleen Falk fell to the floor in agony during a debate. Apparently, Falk was injured while attempting to back-pedal on the previous pro-illegal immigration stance that she championed in the primary.

Early this week, Falk and Governor Jim Doyle announced that they had found $1.2 million in the couch cushions of the Governor\’s mansion to pay for increased staffing at the state crime lab. Political observers have noted how closely aligned the Falk and Doyle campaigns have become, especially since Falk has begun to refer to the Governor as \”Captain Snuggles.\”

As Dane County Executive, Falk is best known for the political courage it took for her radically change hairstyles in mid-administration. Political observers have called it the most daring change in Wisconsin political hair since Lee Sherman Dreyfus began waxing his armpits.

With Falk unable to campaign, the Democrats have the option of using her backup, current Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager, to finish out the campaign. However, Lautenschlager is reportedly unfit to run, as she has ballooned to a weight of 330 pounds on a diet of Quarter Pounders and Colt 45 malt liquor since her devastating primary defeat. Sources say Lautenschlager routinely spends her entire day at home watching the Maury Povich show, yelling \”OH, NO – SHE DIDN\’T!\” at the television, while her dog Bubbles licks her feet.

At the beginning of the race, Falk was asked whether she had ever driven drunk, given that she would eventually attack Lautenschlager for her drunk driving arrest. Falk said she didn\’t know, then admitted that she also doesn\’t remember how she woke up with so many beads after Mardi Gras a couple years ago.

I think I\’m a pretty astute follower of Wisconsin politics, but how in the world did I miss this story for a week?

Candidate touts sex with Packers in campaign

MADISON, Wisconsin (AP) — Sex! The Green Bay Packers! Sex WITH the Green Bay Packers! The usually ho-hum race for Wisconsin secretary of state is being spiced up by one candidate\’s naughty tell-all book about her bed-hopping exploits with Green Bay football legends during the team\’s glory days under Vince Lombardi in the 1960s…

Hornung did not return numerous messages left by The Associated Press. The book, however, includes a foreword in which he describes Sullivan as a \”carefree, fun-loving girl who fit right in with me and the rest of the \’Pack.\’\”

Actually, I think Hornung has it wrong. It sounds like the Packers actually fit right in her.

Seventy-eight-year-old Carol Williams of Menasha said she was surprised at Sullivan\’s openness, but not her exploits.

\”Who isn\’t doing things like that these days?\” she said.

She\’s absolutely right – in fact, I went to pick up some braunschweiger at Sentry the other day, and accidentally ended up having sex with Bubba Franks. It really is unavoidable.

To pick up on the media attention, JB Van Hollen today announced that in college, he once got hammered and plowed a girl that looked like Ray Nitschke.

Let me just start this post out with a disclaimer: My wife is a smokin\’ hot babe. (You can tell I\’m about to get myself into trouble.) Somehow, I tricked her into marrying me, and the Devil hasn\’t even shown up to collect my soul yet.

Men are often accused of living in a state of arrested development. Much of this is purely optional – I don\’t have to use the top of the pizza box as my plate, I simply choose to. The vacuum cleaner sitting in the middle of the living room floor is just fine with me, as long as it\’s not in the way of the TV. But sometimes, there are things simply beyond our control.

My wife and I took our daughter in for a checkup recently. My daughter\’s pediatrician is, to put it diplomatically, a fine looking woman.* (Men only – please check the end footnote for translation.) So she starts doing the usual tests on my daughter, and begins asking me questions. Suddenly, I got really clammy and started stuttering. I could feel myself breaking out into a cold sweat. I assume words were exiting my mouth, but I don\’t know what they were. There\’s an equal chance that I was either answering her question or telling her how much I enjoy tuna salad.

After a couple minutes of this, my wife shot a look at me, as if to say \”ARE YOU COMPLETELY RETARDED?\” And the answer was, well, yes. For some reason, despite being happily married to the woman of my dreams, I still have a complete inability to talk to other pretty women – even when my wife is in the room. Even though I\’m a grown-ass man, I still expect every conversation I have with a pretty girl to end up with her beating me over the head with a Trapper Keeper, as most of them did in high school. And this time, I can\’t hold on to false hope that getting my braces off is going to turn things around.

So how am I supposed to get over this? Should I not leave the house? To make sure I don\’t run into any pretty women in public, should I just hang out at Democratic Party events? (Hee hee.) I know that I now shouldn\’t care what women think about me, but it feels like I\’m on the spot – and I don\’t know what to do, other than carry out conversations with my shirt pulled over my head, which may or may not send the wrong message.

And at what age does this stop? Is there a certain point that you reach where you just don\’t care anymore? Does this point roughly coincide with the age where you decide to wear sweatpants exclusively?

Are there shy 70 year old men at the nursing home that get nervous about talking to Mabel in the room next door? Does he keep getting up to shave and comb his hair every day, just on the chance that he might get to see her? Does he sneak her the occasional extra bran muffin in the cafeteria to get on her good side? Maybe hide behind a bush to force a \”chance encounter\” when she goes out for a walk? I would think that at that point, most of your day is spent trying not to die, so I don\’t know how much time old guys actually have to pursue romance. Then again, God did the hard work and took care of making this woman single, so it was meant to be, right?

Mostly, I just wanted women not to be too tough on their husbands or boyfriends if they suffer from the same affliction. If your guy can\’t spit out a coherent sentence when talking to the ladies, it doesn\’t mean he doesn\’t think you\’re the greatest person alive. It just means that maybe he isn\’t necessarily convinced that he is.

———————————————————————–

* – Bootylicious

P.S. – At some point, everyone\’s going to figure out who I am – when that happens, if you are a female who I have had a meaningful conversation with, don\’t be insulted. I was likely drunk when it happened. Who are you again?