From today\’s Wisconsin State Journal:

MON., OCT 9, 2006 – 12:04 PM
Hundreds rally to legalize marijuana
By NATHAN LEAF
608-252-6126
nleaf@madison.com

An article about marijuana written by Nathan Leaf? Was Smokey von Bongwater not available?

Some things that didn\’t really fit into a post:

I finally buckled and bought a plasma HDTV, just in time to watch the Packers\’ disaster yesterday. In fact, I actually think it did the trick – the high clarity and resolution made Favre\’s fumble seem 30% more like sticking my head in a deep-fryer. With big screen TVs, I actually found that each inch of additional screen space translates to 15 minutes less per day that you spend with your family.

Has there ever been a moment where an entire state drank rat poison at once? That may have been close to occurring after yesterday\’s game. One of these days, the whole state is just going to end it all after a Packer game, then what used to be Wisconsin will be up for grabs for whatever existing state wants to take it over. We\’ll be known as \”North Joliet.\”

The Packers losing that game would be like Mark Green surging ahead in the polls in the last couple of days in the campaign, then denying that the holocaust existed the day before the election. Or saying Julia Roberts deserved her Best Actress Oscar for Erin Brockovich. One of the two.

I had the chance to go see \”The Departed\” on Friday night. Just an outstanding movie – a masterpiece of violence. Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon may have just assumed the roles of Deniro and Pacino for the new milennium (I\’m actually just trying to get on a TV ad). Alec Baldwin and Marky Mark Wahlberg are even good. I really suck at reviews, but I\’m just telling you – go see it.

Senator George Allen of Virginia is back in the news, for reportedly failing to report his stock options. You may recall his previous episode, where he called one of his opponent\’s campaign workers \”macaca,\” which apparently is a slur. Here\’s my advice to George Allen – if you\’re going to call someone an ethnic slur, at least make it one everyone already knows. If you pull out a really obscure one, people are going to think you stay up all night thinking of new and exciting ways of offending people of color. You know your campaign is in bad shape when your chances of being President would actually improve if you got caught molesting 16 year old boys.

I was walking down State Street last week, and I saw two birds on the sidewalk standing right in front of a whole bag of popcorn that someone had dumped over. Those may have been the two happiest birds alive. If you were to extrapolate that to the human world, what would be the human equivalent of a pile of popcorn that big? Is there anything that would even translate on the human happiness scale? A 100 inch plasma TV? Charlize Theron ordered to feed you Krispy Kremes every morning by the Supreme Court? A bloody Ben Affleck zamboni machine accident?

A friend of mine watched \”The Presidents\” on DVD the other night (some History Channel thing), and came away from it wondering how in the world Republicans lost the black vote in America. Historically, the Democratic Party was horribly racist – most notably Andrew Johnson and his southern Democrat pals. The GOP were instrumental in getting blacks the right to vote during Reconstruction, so why don\’t Republicans have 80 percent of the African American vote today? Personally, I think blacks turned away from the GOP when Dwight Eisenhower famously banned the playing of \”Whoomp, There it Is!\” at major sporting events.

I don\’t get HBO, so if there\’s any TV show I want to watch, I have to rent the DVDs. So my wife and I have plowed through two and a half seasons of \”The Wire,\” and I think it may be the best TV series I\’ve ever seen. Seriously.

Our friends at the Third District Court of Appeals send us this case this week:

A woman who was staying at an assisted living facility looked up to watch Air Force One fly over her head while President Bush was leaving Duluth. When she looked up, the resident dog wrapped its leash around her legs, which caused her to trip and fall. She then sued the owner of the facility for damages, saying their insurance should pay for her injuries. The trial court and now the appeals court both shot her down, and we here in Wisconsin are all a little dumber for having been exposed to this bogus lawsuit.

Does the Overture Center for the Arts have a \”customers only\” policy for their restrooms? If I\’m walking down State Street and really need to \”go,\” would they force me to look at a couple paintings before I could pee?

Special thanks to the confused person reading this blog at 5:31 PM today, who became the 100,000th unique reader. Goes to show Wisconsin has a long way to go if we want to claim to have good taste.

Then again, Ann Althouse gets 100,000 readers a week, which makes my yearly total look a little paltry. But thanks to everyone who takes a break from doing something important every day to read this dopey blog. I can now cross you all off my \”people to stab today\” list.

I thought a quote from Statler and Waldorf was appropriate when describing my blog:

Statler: \”Hey, that wasn\’t half bad!\”

Waldorf: \”You\’re absolutely right – it was ALL BAD!\”

Being speechless isn\’t a very good trait for a blogger, but I have to admit that a completely incomprehensible \”press release\” issued today by Democratic state senate candidate Kathleen Vinehout has me completely perplexed.

We all know that running a campaign is stressful, but it appears that Vinehout has completely lost her mind. In her \”release,\” she writes a rambling four page poem about her opponent, incumbent Ron Brown of Eau Claire, that simply defies description.

Has Wisconsin ever seen a candidate melt down so completely? Her semi-lucid release reads like it was written while she was on acid. In it, she accuses Brown of somehow being in cahoots with Saudi Arabia to lower gas prices so he can get re-elected, she attempts to take shots at a primary opponent (Chris Danou) that she defeated two weeks ago, and she takes lame shots as Senator Dave Zien (whose name she misspells throughout), who is running in a completely different district.

My description can\’t even do this justice, so just read it for yourself. It is proof positive that Kathleen Vinehout isn\’t fit to serve in the State Legislature. I\’m not sure I\’d even let her near my kid. Is she going to demand that all their debates be done in haiku? Are her radio ads going to be in iambic pentameter?

The flip-flop she references in her campaign poem deals with her position on abortion. Vinehout, a Catholic, always considered herself pro-life – she was active in the Catholic Rural Life Conference. However, as her Democratic primary opponent pointed out, her position on abortion changed completely when she began running for the State Legislature.

In 2004, Vinehout gave an interview to the National Catholic Reporter, where she said – and I am not making this up:

Meanwhile, as Vinehout plans her bid for office, she worries that support from traditional Democratic backers will not be forthcoming because of her antiabortion views. \”I\’ve been told that if I run as a \’pro-life Democrat\’ that I won\’t get any union money, Sierra Club money or environmental money,\” says Vinehout…

Vinehout plans to soft-peddle her pro-life stance when she runs for office. \”If somebody asked, \’How do you feel [about abortion],\’ I\’d tell them,\” said Vinehout, but she will go out of her way to avoid the \”pro-life Democrat\” label.

So, in other words, she\’s ashamed of her position, and is willing to switch it if it helps her get more special interest (union, environmental) money. She even recently spoke at a Women\’s Choice event, where she was endorsed. So fetuses need to watch their backs – their life is only worth something to Kathleen Vinehout in the years she\’s not running for the State Senate and needs special interest cash. Better start up FetusPAC and give her money if you want to stand a chance.

So if Vinehout is so willing to change her position on a fundamental moral issue like abortion to chase campaign money, what do you think she\’s going to do on issues of taxes and spending? Ironically, it was Vinehout who may have terminated her own campaign today with her incomprehensible press release. She won\’t be missed.

Both consistent readers of this blog are aware of my visceral contempt of Ahmad Carroll. It appears that I now will no longer have him to kick around anymore, as the Packers mercifully released him today. A stroll down memory lane from some of my posts over the past year and a half:

October 23, 2005:

1:43 – The Vikings are immediately on the move. Koren Robinson, three weeks out of alcohol rehab, catches a pass after receiving a lap dance from Ahmad Carroll, and tips Carroll 5 bucks. After the catch, play is halted, and Carroll is awarded a trophy for being “Worst Player on an NFL Roster.” Carroll accepts the award, and play resumes.

2:00 – Troy Williamson catches a pass for a first down on third and ten, after being “covered” by guess who? Ahmad Carroll.

2:02 – On the next play, Culpepper throws a touchdown to Marcus Robinson in the same spot of the end zone. I’ll give you one guess as to who was covering (or not covering, in this case) Robinson. That’s right. #1 draft pick Ahmad Carroll.

Remember the part of “The Muppets Take Manhattan” when Kermit gets run over by a car, gets amnesia, and thinks he’s a soap salesman? He shows up at work (named Phillip Phil) and comes up with terrible new slogans like “Ocean Breeze Soap – for people who don’t want to stink,” and “Ocean Breeze Soap – it’s like an ocean cruise, except there’s no boat, and you don’t actually go anywhere.”

It’s like Ahmad Carroll was hit in the head at some point, got amnesia, and now believes he is an NFL player. He just keeps showing up for work, and nobody wants to say anything in case it hurts his feelings. One of these days he’s going to get hit in the head again, regain consciousness, and return to filling the ketchup dispensers at Culver’s. 17-7 Packers.

August 13, 2006:

Somehow, Derrick Turnbow managed to make it out to San Diego and sneak into the game at cornerback for the Packers, wearing number 28. I actually thought about adding a picture of Ahmad Carroll to my \”people who suck\” post, but I thought it was too parochial. Imagine how prescient that would have been – although predicting Ahmad Carroll will give up a touchdown catch is like predicting Katie Couric will bomb at CBS.

August 28, 2006:

York: Ahmad Carroll defending…
York: Carson Palmer could be playing in a wheelchair, as long as he keeps throwing to Carroll\’s guy.
Lamas: At least Carroll didn\’t kick him in the groin.
York: Carroll is never close enough to anyone to kick them in the groin. He\’d need 20 foot legs.

September 6, 2006:

That\’s 8 out of 25 players acquired via the draft that are on the active roster after three years. Of those 8, three are first-rounders: Nick Barnett, who is a quality linebacker; Aaron Rodgers, who has yet to play any meaningful downs; and Ahmad Carroll, who has proven that he has about as much business on a football field as I do performing open heart surgery.

September 18, 2006:

Game time is upon us, as the captains make their way to the middle of the field. I rhetorically ask what the hell Ahmad Carroll is doing out there with the team captains for the coin flip, then joke that that’ll be the closest he gets to a Saints player all afternoon…

Then, with about a minute left in the half, the Saints are driving again. Following a pass play, Ahmad Carroll drops to the ground in pain, causing the Packers to take a time out. After laying on the ground like he had been shot for two minutes, Carroll gets up…and then…stays… in the… game. I immediately stood up and started yelling in disbelief. Let’s see, if you’re the Saints, and you know there’s a terrible corner staying in the game after being injured on the previous play, what would you do? I was yelling “THEY’RE THROWING TO CARROLL’S GUY!” over and over, but sadly, Mike McCarthy didn’t hear me.Sure enough, with 56 seconds left in the half, Saints receiver Devery Henderson blew by Carroll and caught an easy touchdown pass.

———————————————————————-

So how is it that it took Packer coaches three years to figure out what everyone already knew?

New Berlin – A new organization of married men today announced that they would be seeking a constitutional amendment banning marriage between heterosexual Wisconsinites. The controversial proposal comes on the heels of a new amendment to the Wisconsin Constitution that seeks to ban gay marriage. \”Why should lucky gay Wisconsinites be able to avoid the suffering of marriage?\” said group spokesman Philip Dale. \”Come live with my wife for a week, and see if marriage is something they want any part of,\” said Dale, adding, \”We\’re the ones really pushing for equality – to make sure everyone\’s not equally as miserable.\”

Dale recently flew across the country to Portland with his wife and three children, and says he now believes he knows what Guantanamo Bay must feel like for detainees. \”Being trapped on a delayed plane with three young children is like being locked in a Volkswagen Bug with hungry wolverines,\” he said. In fact, a nationwide group of Vietnam veterans has begun to pool its donations in order to build a monument for Dale. \”Man, that guy really had it bad,\” said legless former P.O.W. Benny \”Nostrils\” McGee.

The proposed amendment immediately garnered opposition from pro-straight marriage groups. \”Heterosexual marriage is a lot better than people think,\” said Nelson Scott, President of Wisconsin Wieners are for Women. \”When a guy gets married, he can do things he never could do when he was single,\” said Scott. \”He can stop working out, he doesn\’t have to shower as often, he can stop using big words like \’solipsistic,\’ and he can go grocery shopping without any pants on,\” said Scott, who has been arrested 46 times for public indecency.

Amendment proponents, however, aren\’t buying Scott\’s argument. \”Why gay people want to be told three times a day to mow the lawn is beyond me,\” said Parman Nagresh, 42, of Franklin. Just last week, Nagresh was reminded to get an oil change a record 32 times by his wife. \”Every time I do a load of colored laundry, she reminds me to use cold water – I don\’t know how I managed to live 27 years on this earth without her constant advice,\” he added.

\”Traditional marriage really works against those of us that don\’t have a very strong Pimp Hand,\” said Nagresh. He also pointed out that if nobody can get married, it makes it a lot easier to part ways if your wife starts dating Flavor Flav, or if you\’re a congressman that decides he likes 16 year old boys. According to Nagresh, last week he mentioned to his wife that he intended to begin looking at HDTVs at Best Buy, but was immediately vetoed. Rather than convince his wife that they could afford a new TV, he took on a much easier task – negotiating a peace agreement between Israel and Hezbollah.

Scott\’s group said they soon would be introducing a constitutional amendment that would prevent homosexuals from attending straight weddings. The amendment is strongly opposed by couples who actually appreciate thoughtful gifts.

From Janesville:

Janesville woman arrested for hamster neglect

JANESVILLE, Wis. (AP) — Police arrested a woman over the weekend for neglecting hamsters at her home after her roommate called authorities, police said Sunday.

Sgt. Rick Larson said police arrested the 23-year-old Saturday morning on 39 counts each of two charges: failing to provide food and drink and failing to provide proper shelter to animals.

The Rock County Humane Society removed 33 live and six dead hamsters. The woman was already is facing charges of failing to provide shelter and food to a Great Dane removed from her home in August.

Immediately, actor Richard Gere selflessly offered to assist in the rescue effort.

Back in August, the Doyle for Governor campaign unveiled an ad they called \”Stands,\” which attempts to tie Mark Green to President Bush. The ad tries to set the world record by saying the words \”Bush\” and \”Green\” together 178 times in 30 seconds. One wonders why they don\’t just go the distance and include an interview with the owner of the Greenbush Restaurant on Regent street here in Madison.

One of the things they apparently believe \”ties\” Green to Bush is the fact that Green \”stood with the President 92 percent of the time.\” First of all, nobody knows what the hell that actually means, since the citation they provide in the ad (Congressional Observer, Mark Green votes 2001-2006) doesn\’t say anything. They could have pulled this number from thin air, for all anyone knows. The perpetually hyperbolic Anson Kaye goes so far as to say that \”Green has rubberstamped President Bush\’s failed special interest agenda 92 percent ofthe time.\”

As anyone who has taken a 5th grade government class knows, congressmen can\’t \”stand with the President,\” or \”rubberstamp\” anything the President does, since any legislative action the President takes is after Congress has dealt with a bill. The President doesn\’t introduce bills or write new laws – he merely signs or vetoes legislation that passes the House and Senate.

My guess is that Green probably voted for 92% of the bills that President Bush signed into law. This isn\’t surprising, since bills that make it through the entire legislative process are generally bipartisan bills with broad support. I\’d bet if you looked at Green\’s voting record for the two years Bill Clinton was in office, it would be up in that range, too. If Clinton signed a bill, Green probably voted for it in the GOP-controlled house. Does that mean Green was \”standing with Clinton,\” or was a \”Clinton rubberstamp?\”

Think about using this same logic on the state level. I could gather a list of all the bills Jim Doyle has signed into law, and compile a list of legislators who \”stood with\” Doyle on those bills. Any idea which legislators are going to be up in the 90% range in terms of \”standing with Doyle?\” That\’s right – Republicans. Since Republicans hold both state houses, and most Republicans vote for bills that pass, there will be a strong correlation between Doyle and the GOP, if that\’s the way I wanted to cook the numbers.

Let\’s say a bill is introduced in the Wisconsin Assembly. The bill passes the Assembly and Senate on a party line vote, and goes to Doyle, who signs it. Is it fair to say GOP Senator Smith \”rubberstamped Doyle\’s agenda\” in supporting the bill? Of course not – Doyle had nothing to do with the bill until it got to his desk.

The mere fact that Doyle\’s ties between Bush and Green are so thin that he has to concoct numbers out of thin air like this speaks to the desperation of his campaign operation. Of course, the big papers are busy covering important issues like whether Mark Green uses actors in his commercials, so I wouldn\’t hold my breath waiting for any explanation of this ridiculous ad.

IRONIC SIDE NOTE: The new Greater Wisconsin Committee ad is premised on the goofy \”Mark Green hired actors\” line, when the commercial voice-over is performed by – you guessed it – an actor.

The Nose Knows
September 13, 2006 – 9:31AM

Police in Ashland (Oregon) recently got help cracking a case of bank robbery from an unlikely clue. The Rogue Federal Credit Union was held up in March when a man walked in, demanded cash, then got away. Witnesses told police it sounded like the robber had a cold and apparently he did. Police found a booger at the bank. Months later when authorities caught up with 50-year old Randy Seitzinger, they took a DNA sample from him, and it turns out that it matched the nose mucus left at the bank after the robbery.

Seitzinger is currently at the Coffee Creek Correctional Facility in Wilsonville.

Until now, the cops really BLEW that case. I mean, itSNOT like we\’re dealing with professionals, here.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!

WHEW!!!!!

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!

OH, MY!!!!

HEH.

OOOOH, MY SIDE.

(COUGH)

(WEEZE)

Someone call 911….

Chocolate City (AP) – The newly appointed State Elections Board today ordered Governor Jim Doyle to return a large portion of funk it believed he had obtained illegally. The Board ruled that Doyle had ten days to return his campaign\’s last six months\’ worth of uncut interplanetary funk.

\”Doyle really funked this one up,\” said Board spokesman Sir Nose. \”He\’s been doing it to taxpayers in their earhole for too long,\” he said. Nose said that Doyle would be barred from shinin\’ on the funk until he complied with the Board\’s orders to their complete satisfunktion.

The Board determined that in 2003, Doyle contracted with the legendary Dr. Funkenstein for the lucrative State of Wisconsin funk contract, in exchange for six month supply of bootylicious grooves for the Doyle campaign. Under the contract, Funkenstein was obligated to write a new Wisconsin State Song. Investigators became suspicious when the song, \”Nuclear Booty,\” was first unveiled at the memorial service for former Senator Gaylord Nelson. \”We knew something was wrong when we saw Herb Kohl doing the worm in the aisle,\” said lead investigator Bootsy Collins.

The previous Elections Board was ousted in the wake of a truly shocking scandal that cuts to the very heart of state governance – the fact that gubernatorial candidate Mark Green actually used actors in one of his campaign commercials. \”With scandals like that happening under the nose of the previous Elections Board, major action had to be taken,\” said Bootsy.

Doyle, speaking via video conference from inside the Mothership, denied all wrongdoing. Doyle deflected corruption questions, instead talking about all the promise embryonic stem cells have shown in helping terminally white people improve their rhythm.

Last week, my buddy Gooch called me to tell me he had an extra ticket to the Packer game for me this weekend. We used to go to at least one game per year together starting about a decade ago, but he’s moved out of state, so it’s been a while.

He didn’t have a car, so I had to drive from Madison to Milwaukee to pick him up, then up to Green Bay. Seeing as how it was a noon game, I got up early, fired up for the day ahead.

I woke up at 5:45 and slinked out of the house, careful not to wake anybody. When I hit the road, I stopped for gas and breakfast. The woman in the gas station asked me if I was going to the Packer game, seeing that I was decked out in my gear. I told her I was. “I’m a Bear fan,” she chuckled, then added, “but I hope the Packers win.” This not only made her a bad liar, but may have been the first time that I had actually been shown pity by a toothless woman working the 6 AM Sunday shift at a Kwik Trip.

Back on the road, I drive by three dead raccoons on I-94, all side by side. I wonder if they all formed some kind of suicide pact. There were probably four of them, and one raccoon said, “okay, let’s all run into the road on three,” then chickened out.

As I get to Waukesha County, a highway patrol car pulls out right in front of me and flips on its lights. I see it pull over, but there’s no car there. Instead, there’s a disoriented man standing on the shoulder that looks like he’s going to wander out onto the highway. Probably another Bear fan wanting to wish me well on my trip.

I get to downtown Milwaukee, and need to head north on I-43, which seems like a challenge, given the sea of orange construction signs. With summer road construction in Milwaukee, you’re just as likely to plunge off a 50 foot cliff than actually get where you need to be on time.

I acquire Gooch at 8 AM, and we begin the drive up to Green Bay. On the drive, he tells me that he’s considering ordering a mail order bride from a former Soviet country. I told him that if I were a Ukrainian woman and my choices were to be ethnically cleansed or pick up his dirty socks, it really was a toss up.

Gooch is a big time gambler, known around the U.S. for his 72 hour power weekends in Vegas where he’d be too cheap to get a hotel room, instead sleeping in the casino bathrooms. He recounted one time where he went into a stall to take a nap, and actually pulled his pants down around his ankles to sell the story. It didn’t work, as he had a security guard kicking his feet when he woke up. He casually mentions that after the Rose Bowl this year, he bet $100 in Vegas that neither Reggie Bush, nor Matt Leinart, nor Vince Young would be the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. Of course, it was Mario Williams, and he won $10,000, seeing as he was getting 100-to-1 odds. He also mentions that he won $3,000 on some African soccer tournament that he picked Zimbabwe to win. Crazy.

We chat about my uncle with down syndrome that is cheating death at his advanced age. It’s a miracle that at his weight and age (45), that his heart has held up, since people with down syndrome are prone to heart conditions. “You could get some pretty good odds if you threw him in a parlay,” says Gooch.

Every other time we had been to Lambeau, we had taken U.S. Highway 41 up from Milwaukee, but today we took I-43. I told him I wasn’t sure how to get to the stadium from 43, and he said he thought we had to go over some big bridge or something. It occurred to me after we crossed the bridge that we had gone too far, but I could see the stadium. It was only 9:45, so I told him I thought I could get us to Lambeau by gametime. “If you can’t get us there by noon, then I think I can deem you an honorary Polack,” said Gooch (he’s Polish, so he can make those jokes. I think that’s how it works).

We drive through city streets to make our way to Lambeau, just kind of eyeballing where we are versus where the stadium is. We’re held up temporarily, however, by an old man with a walker. I tell Gooch to get out and ask the guy if he can give the Packers a few snaps at left guard today – they may need him.

We finally park on a side street, eschewing numerous offers to pay $10 to park on someone’s lawn. I think we parked near Oneida and Raleigh. As we walked towards the stadium, I saw a woman wearing a Samkon Gado jersey. Thus began the most fun part of Packer games – spotting the most ridiculous jersey. We’re not even to the stadium yet, and we may have a winner.

We get right up next to the stadium, and see an SUV pull up into one of the lawn spots going for $25. I tell Gooch that there’s a 100% chance that a woman is driving that car, since no seasoned male Packer fan would ever pay $25 to park, when two blocks away, you can park for free-ninety nine. Sure enough, it was two young women who probably special ordered their Packer gear from Banana Republic. Newbies.

We immediately made our way to a port-a-potty, since my bladder was about to explode. In line, we discuss what the statute of limitations for wearing the jersey of an ex-Packer is, after spotting a Vonnie Holliday jersey. We decide on three years, unless it’s a legendary Packer. I argue that Tony Mandarich is legendary.

As I look down the row of port-a-potties, I remark that it must be an intrinsic human trait people have that tells them exactly how far away you have to stand from the door of the urinal while you’re waiting in line. I don’t believe that anyone has ever written a law on this, but for some reason, everyone just seems to know naturally that you stand between 10 and 12 feet away from the door while someone is in there. People are just born with this knowledge – like fear of snakes.

Gooch wants to go to some official Packer tailgate where you pay $25 for all the food and drink you want. We make our way over there, pay and get in. When you walk in, you’re standing right next to a DJ stand, where he’s blaring lame 80’s music like “Mony, Mony,” and “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” and yelling along in a microphone. As Gooch gets a beer, I take a moment to contemplate what would be worse: Listening to this DJ for an hour, or a compound skull fracture. I conclude that the DJ is only slightly less painful, but I at least want my theory tested on monkeys. I decide drinking will just make me tired and irritable, so I stick to Orange Crush.

To get away from the music, we go inside, where it happens that Fuzzy Thurston and Antonio Freeman are signing autographs. Fuzzy is selling copies of his book for $40, which I believe was his annual salary with the Packers. I’ve always been a Freeman fan, so I measure up the odds of being able to talk to him. I hang back, waiting for my chance, thinking about what I’m going to say. But then one of the event organizers whisks him away to the DJ booth where he conducts a raffle drawing, then disappears. I am kicking myself for the rest of the day for not having the stones to go talk to “Free.”

Gooch, on the other hand, has had a couple beers, and seems to be harassing Fuzzy, asking him question after question. I though Fuzzy was going to file a restraining order against him. Granted, in college, I occasionally got drunk and woke up next to a girl that looked like Fuzzy Thurston, but I would never actually bother him in public. Keep in mind that Fuzzy now speaks through a hole in his throat, so he wasn’t exactly thrilled to be answering his series of questions. I finally took a picture of them together, which succeeded in getting Gooch to leave him alone.

On the way into the stadium, I am surprised by how many people already have A.J. Hawk jerseys. Green Bay fans are heavily invested in this guy already. Just an observation.

We get to our seats, and watch the pre-game contest where they fire footballs into the air at fans, who have no chance of catching them. This thing is obviously fixed – t
hey give these people oversized helmets that cover their eyes, and they pick people that are less athletic than crippled nuns to do the catching. Of course, both contestants botch their chances, while Gooch boos them lustily, yelling, “that’s pathetic!”

As fans continue to file in, some guy walks in wearing a Vikings Darren Sharper jersey. This guy deserves whatever fans decide to do with him. I mean, the Vikings aren’t even playing, and to wear the jersey of an ex-Packer is excessively provocative. It would be like walking into an AA meeting wearing a Jim Beam t-shirt, just to get everyone worked up. Shame on them.

Game time is upon us, as the captains make their way to the middle of the field. I rhetorically ask what the hell Ahmad Carroll is doing out there with the team captains for the coin flip, then joke that that’ll be the closest he gets to a Saints player all afternoon.

Ex-Packer offensive lineman Frank Winters is also out there as the ceremonial coin-tosser, and he looks like sit-ups haven’t exactly been a regular part of his daily routine since his retirement. Gooch tells me that when the Packers cut Winters, he actually sat down and wrote Winters a heartfelt letter telling him how much his contributions meant to the Packers throughout the years. For a moment, I am actually legitimately touched. Of course, Winters never wrote back, so it’s unclear whether he ever got the letter. I told him to guarantee receipt of the letter, he should have sent it taped to the top of a box of Krispy Kremes.

The game gets off to a fast start, with the Packers getting points out of three first quarter turnovers, making the score 13-0. For the first score, Brett Favre throws a perfect touchdown pass to rookie receiver Greg Jennings, who catches it in the part of the end zone right in front of us. While most fans are excited about the Favre touchdown pass, I am especially happy to see the Dave Rayner Extra Point Era begin.

During each turnover and score, I happily high-five the guy in the Nick Barnett jersey in front of me. This is the beauty of sports – under no other condition would I probably ever meet this guy, yet we are almost in full embrace. If he ran out of the hospital, screaming because his AIDS test came up negative, it’s unlikely I would provide him with a high-five. Yet when Aaron Kampman knocks the ball out of Drew Brees’ hand and recovers the fumble, suddenly we share an unbreakable physical bond. Societal priorities, I guess.

It must be added that this guy had a really good looking girlfriend with him. This is only noteworthy because spotting a hot girl at a Packer game is like spotting a sasquatch. Get your camera out and try to snap a grainy photo, because nobody will believe it.

One thing I didn’t count on was how hot it was. I actually showed up wearing long sleeves, but changed into a t-shirt, since it seemed like 90 degrees outside. By the middle of the second quarter, the DNR showed up and declared my butt crack a protected wetland.

New Orleans scores a touchdown on a Deuce McAllister run, making it a 13-7 game. The Packers can’t seem to get anything going on offense. Then, with about a minute left in the half, the Saints are driving again. Following a pass play, Ahmad Carroll drops to the ground in pain, causing the Packers to take a time out. After laying on the ground like he had been shot for two minutes, Carroll gets up…and then…stays… in the… game. I immediately stood up and started yelling in disbelief. Let’s see, if you’re the Saints, and you know there’s a terrible corner staying in the game after being injured on the previous play, what would you do? I was yelling “THEY’RE THROWING TO CARROLL’S GUY!” over and over, but sadly, Mike McCarthy didn’t hear me.

Sure enough, with 56 seconds left in the half, Saints receiver Devery Henderson blew by Carroll and caught an easy touchdown pass. I didn’t see the TV broadcast, but I would have hoped that the commentators brought this up, since it was so obvious. 14-13, Saints at the half.

In the second half, the Packers took the ball right down the field, and got to the Saints 7 yard line, where they were poised to take the lead. It looked like Favre was hit as he threw, and the Saints intercepted the ball in the end zone. I put my head in my hands and looked at the ground, as a curse word softly rolled out of my mouth.

If you saw the game, you know the rest. Saints kick two more field goals to make it 20-13, and the Packers tie it up at 20 with a quick pass to Robert Ferguson. Saints receiver catches a bomb for a touchdown, Ahman Green fumbles deep in Saints territory, and the Packers’ D lays down like dogs while McAllister moonwalks into the end zone for a 23 yard touchdown run. I can’t really give you much detail on what happened here, since I had my head in my hands most of the time. I did, however, catch the pass interference call on Ahmad Carroll that kept one of those Saints drives going.

Aiding me in watching the game was the guy directly behind me, who clearly has no filter between the “brain” portion of his head and the “mouth” portion. I love guys like this who don’t know anything about football, but who are more than willing to prove it to everyone with their nonstop commentary, where they detail the most obvious on-field developments. While I was quietly dying inside, I was privileged enough to hear insightful tidbits like, “They’re playing terrible! The whole team needs to step it up! That was an awful play!” For FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS. Next time, I’m taking a tape recorder to document this guy. Then, when I suffocate him with a cheesy grillwurst, I can play the tape for the court and get off scot-free. No jury in America would convict me – that I guarantee.

At the end of the game, it didn’t look like the Packers had a clue what they were doing. Favre was just dropping back and firing balls as hard as he could, while receivers ran routes that they perhaps learned on the Madden 07 video game. In the end, they fell 34-27 and I don’t think I said a word on the way back to the car. The only second half highlight occurred when new Packer Koren Robinson fielded a kickoff and appeared to get in a fight after he was tackled. A guy a few rows back yelled “Find him in the parking lot later and run over him with your car!” Hey, it passed for comedy at the time.

In our quest to take an already bad day and make it a truly disastrous one, we decided to wait out some of the traffic at the Oneida casino. It’s been years since I’ve been in a casino, but this was part of our routine years ago, so I thought we’d give it a try. I played for about an hour and ended up winning $20. Not much, but when you consider that every $20 in tribal money that I walk out of that place with is one fewer commercial Jim Doyle can run on the Food Network, I felt better about it. Gooch, on the other hand, got on a hot streak and won $330, which he used to pay for dinner and gas on the way home.

It (appropriately) rained pretty much the whole way home. I stayed awake by listening to the Jim Noir CD, “Tower of Love.” I can’t put it in stronger terms – you must purchase this CD. If you don’t buy this disc, the terrorists have won. I’m pretty sure that in the dark, I also saw the fourth raccoon. I started thinking that after watching the Packers today, the other three might have had the right idea.

I dropped Gooch off and pulled into my garage at 9:48. I changed shirts and started typing a long and crazy post, to blow off steam. I really need an editor. Maybe Fuzzy\’s free.

Yes, I sat home with the remaining four Wisconsinites with no lives and watched the gubernatorial debate. Overall, I thought it was pretty much a wash, although Doyle bungled a couple of answers and his demeanor was a little off-putting. When answering some questions, he looked as if his children had been kidnapped by the teachers\’ union and he had to give the right answer to spring them free. And focusing your closing statement on ethanol while you\’re in Waukesha County? That\’s like spraying yourself with voter repellent.

Green, on the other hand, looked like he was auditioning for a high school rendition of \”A Midsummer Night\’s Dream.\” Green is fantastic when looking into the camera and talking, but that\’s a lot different than being an actual actor (see his latest commercial for proof). I think he went over the top on a couple answers, but I thought that overall he did a better job of jabbing Doyle and innoculating himself against the Governor\’s shots.

Of course, both sides are going to say that their candidate won, as they do every time. I\’m pretty tired of a charade, and thought of a better way we can do this to ACTUALLY figure out who won.

At the end of the debate, Frederica Freyberg hands out a WWF-style championship belt to the winner of the debate. That candidate then gets to wear the belt at all public functions until the next debate. For instance, after the belt was awarded to Green last night, he could hold it over his head while walking around the stage while the crowd applauded. Then, Doyle would run up behind him and hit him with a folding chair while the two candidates\’ wives started to pull each others\’ hair.

Doyle would then decide to be a villain and grow a dark beard, while wearing a Hulk-Hogan style black bandana to hide his baldness. At the next debate, everyone would boo him lustily as he pumped his fists in the air while telling them their property taxes aren\’t really that bad after all. At the next \”We the People\” forum, I demand that Stan Johnson of WEAC stands behind Doyle spreading out hundred dollar bills, a la \”The Million Dollar Man\” and Virgil (the greatest WWF prop to date).

And no, I\’m not high. I think. I can\’t remember.

I went to the Built to Spill show at the Barrymore last night, and managed to enjoy a few frosty beverages in the process. Needless to say, my head is kind of pounding this morning, so I would appreciate it if all my readers could keep it down a little bit.

The bright side of my hangover is this study from the Reason Foundation that shows that heavy drinkers earn more than non-drinkers. The accompanying press release says:

\”Social drinking builds social capital,\” said Stringham, an economics professor at San Jose State University. \”Social drinkers are networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their Blackberries that result in bigger paychecks.\”

The study finds that men who drink earn 10 percent more than abstainers and women drinkers earn 14 percent more than nondrinkers. However, unlike men, who get an additional income boost from drinking in bars, women who frequent bars at least once per month do not show higher earnings than women who do not visit bars.

I also think employees greatly respect the smell of hookers and urine on a co-worker. So since I rolled into work late with an ice pack on my head, I think now might be a perfect time to ask for a raise.

As for the concert? Not that anyone cares what I think, but it was unspeakably fantastic. There was some preposterous video montage in the middle that seemed to imply that George Bush is running secret concentration camps for eco-terrorists, or something. But other than that, it was one of the best shows I\’ve seen in the past few years. It\’s refreshing to see guys that can get up and play their instruments without dancing around for effect or yammering in between songs – they\’re confident in their ability to rock my shorts off. And the 20 minute \”Broken Windows\” encore was apocalyptic.

For those that aren\’t familiar with Built to Spill, here\’s a video for their song \”Conventional Wisdom.\”