So ends the week where all the television networks lecture us on how to live more “green” lifestyles.  The irony of a multimillion dollar corporation like General Electric (owner of NBC) shaming people into using less toilet paper is just too rich for words.

This last week gave me the opportunity to do a little soul-searching as to how I can save the environment.  This introspection wasn\’t really necessary, as my dedication to receipt reform to save our valuable trees has been second to none.  I figure my carbon bank is full.

But here’s a bonus recommendation:  wouldn’t it make more sense if public bathrooms got rid of the automatic laser flushers for urinals?  Think about it – for whatever reason, probably only half the public restroom users actually flush when they’re done going “#1.”  Maybe they’re germophobes that don’t like touching the handle, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they think the urinal cake will take care of the smell, or whatever.

But by having the automatic flushers, you guarantee that everyone there is flushing every time.  Most people probably agree that we could get away with only flushing every other time – so while the automatic flushers may be a nice convenience, they’re killing our sensitive ecosystems.  Each time you flush in an airport bathroom, a tear rolls down the cheek of a baby seal.

As my own earth-saving protest, every time I go into a bathroom with automatic flushers, I’m going to sit on the floor and try to make it into the urinal from there, just so I can avoid the oppressive watchful eye of the little red laser.  Or I’ll hang from the ceiling, Mission Impossible-style, with a complex system of mirrors to divert the lasers.  Big brother doesn’t need to know when I have to pee.

And for the Sierra Club, I am available to receive an award for this idea at any time.  Just call my people.

(SIDE NOTE:  When I was a little kid, it seemed like the possibilities for lasers were endless – they ranged from slicing Darth Vader in half with a lightsaber to shooting down Russian spy planes.  But it appears that the only good lasers have actually done in my lifetime is to determine when someone has just finished dropping a deuce in a public bathroom.  Get these scientists some damn stimulus funds – I want a lightsaber, dammit!)

Every year I, along with 18,000 other Madisonians, run in the 5 mile Crazylegs run.  It doesn’t matter if I train for it or not (generally not), I always end up with the same time.  I was determined to make this year different.

So about a month ago, I thought I’d really start busting my ass to see if I could get in shape.  I wanted to see how fast I could actually run the race if I applied myself.  I started running five miles a day, and did so for about three and a half weeks.  I ran through soreness, blisters, and fatigue, determined to get a little faster.  I paid the entrance fee and got ready to test myself on Saturday.

This week, everyone in my family was sick.  My kids got a bug that had them throwing up, combined with uncontrollable diarrhea.  Determined to dodge this plague, I sequestered myself for most of the week.  And I managed to stay reasonably healthy.

You can probably guess what happened next.  Early evening on Friday, my stomach started to feel a little uncomfortable.  I was looking forward to my team’s first softball game at 10:00 on Friday night, so I didn’t think much of it.  Then, about 8:00, it hit me – I had to make a mad dash to the bathroom to avoid a rectal apocalypse.  Runs to the bathroom every ten minutes followed, along with a 20 minute vomiting session.  (I have not yet ruled out the Mexican swine flu as the culprit.)

My wife was appalled that I remained determined to play in the softball game.  It was clear my whole weekend, and all the work I had put in to get in shape, was about to be flushed down the toilet, along with everything I had eaten for the past three days.  So I wanted to salvage little bit of fun – and I was afraid that if I didn’t show for the game, my team would have to forfeit.

When I got to the softball fields, I scoped out the bathroom situation, in case I had to make a mad dash.  Of course, the toilet was in typical public restroom shape – it was clogged up, with water running over the top, and other people’s handiwork floating inside.  Sitting on it was an impossibility.

The game got started, and every time I took the field, I stuck a towel in the front of my shorts, just in case.  I managed to get a couple hits, and each time I got to the base, I felt like I was going to hurl.  Running anywhere was a risky proposition, as each step could trigger untold embarrassment.  Fortunately, the game passed without incident, and we won, 12-2.  One of the guys on the team mentioned what a big win it was – “You have no idea,” I said, hunched over.

I got home and crawled into bed, shivering uncontrollably.  I barely slept, feeling like my temperature was 110 degrees.  Of course, I missed the race the next morning, as I was hugging the porcelain throne.  So much work, all gone to waste.

On the upside, there were worse weekends to be laid up – with the NFL draft, NBA playoffs, and Brewer games all going on.  (Generally, I\’m against dopes that watch too much of the NFL draft, but I ended up watching virtually every minute of it – on both ESPN and the NFL Network.)  As I was drifting in and out of consciousness on Sunday afternoon, I actually saw my Mom and Dad on national TV, standing right off the 18^th fairway at the golf tournament Jerry Kelly won.  I thought I was hallucinating, and checked – in fact, the tournament was in New Orleans, where they live.  So completely random and bizarre.

Hopefully, I\’ll be back in fighting shape on Monday (which also happens to be my birthday.)  I’m looking forward to eating again.

With the state GOP convention in a little more than a week, people are figuring out who’s going to run against Russ Feingold for U.S. Senate in 2010.  At each convention, Wispolitics.com puts together a straw poll for the party loyalists to vote for who they think should run – and I honestly can’t think of a single name that comes to mind that would actually be interested in running.  (Although I heard some businessman is thinking about running, so good for him.)

I actually had a couple friends (jokingly, I think) tell me I should get my name on the list.  I laughed at their suggestion, but then I thought – there may be some upside to this.  After all, I have already aired all my dirty laundry in advance for the Feingold people to use against me.  I’ve exposed Feingold’s excessive flatulence.  I’ve even come up with a slogan – “VOTE SCHNEIDER: FOR A STRONGER STATUS QUO!”

Most importantly, I’d want to be on the straw poll just to see if I could beat a couple of the names that I suspect are going to be on there.  Just so I could hang that over their heads for eternity.  Now, for clarification – I couldn’t actually beat anyone in a real election, but for the straw poll, all bets are off.

That is why, despite being illegal during actual elections, I would be more than happy to engage in rampant and overt vote fraud during the convention.  I’d hire ACORN to descend on LaCrosse, pulling people out of their homes and making up phony names for voters to vote for me.  I’d be buying beers by the truckload for the conventioneers.  I’d head down to Kinkos and crank out hundreds of phony ballots for people to cast, with my name pre-marked.

So if you’re going to be in LaCrosse next weekend, vote early, and vote often.  Remember these inspiring words, spoken by me, this morning:

“If a douchebag like Al Franken can get elected to the U.S. Senate, why not me?”

Oh, hello there, dear reader. I forgot you guys were out there.

FYI, I was on “Sunday Insight With Charlie Sykes” this Sunday. We talked about the tea parties, jobs leaving Wisconsin, and whether you should be allowed to spank your children. (There’s also a twinkie joke in there that only one guy on the panel got.)

[flv:/wp-content/uploads/multimedia/videos/sunday_insight/Sunday_Insight041909.flv 480 360]

It was \”pick a song from the year you were born\” last night on American Idol.  My TiVo cut off, so I didn\’t see the last performance – but it seemed to be a pretty uninspired night.

Generally, I spend a good 40% of my day just sitting around and complaining about what an old man I am.  But when looking up songs from the year of my birth yesterday, I suddenly felt proud to have been born in 1973.  For the #11 song of that year was the classic linked to below.  Any one of you young whipper snappers that thinks they can top a 6 foot 7 long haired albino that alternates between the key-tar, the saxophone, the drums, and space sound effects – go ahead and try.  Pure mustache-fueled joy.

Sadly, I missed this song by two years – but the upside is, if I was born in 1971, I wouldn\’t be able to go to the bathroom by myself.

UPDATE:  I neglected to mention that the #4 song in the year of my birth was \”Let\’s Get it On,\” by Marvin Gaye.  At first, I thought that this song may have been responsible for my mom becoming pregnant with me – but clearly, it had to happen in late 1972, as I was born in April of \’73.  (I actually once asked my dad where the insemination took place, and he said he didn\’t know.  I asked, \”are you sure you were there?\”)

Sadly, the list of 1972 songs is underwhelming.  In scanning the list, a song called \”Popcorn\” by Hot Butter (#28) caught my eye, so I looked it up on YouTube.  If this honestly was one of the top songs in 1972, then it\’s proof that the entire world was on the drugs.  It\’s proof positive that we need to double down on the war on drugs – to save our children from songs like this:

If my parents created me to this song, then I disown them forever.

After I finished college, I already started to feel old.  Little did I know how old I’d feel 13 years later, as I blew through my mid-30’s.

But after reading the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel today, I found the fountain of youth:

GOP hopes to reinvent itself with ‘young guns’ such as Ryan

Paul Ryan is 2 years older than I am, and in Congress he’s still considered “young.”  This is perfect – all I need to do is get into the House of Representatives.  I’ll be like the Miley Cyrus of the legislative branch.

Anyone know how I get into this “Congress” the story was talking about?

I wrote an editorial for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel that appeared on Sunday.  Most people haven\’t read it.

Guess who\’s recession-proof?

By Christian Schneider

Posted: Mar. 14, 2009

For the past year, workers around Wisconsin have been flinching when the phone rings. They don\’t want the next call they get to be the one where they find out they\’ve been laid off.

In late February, the state Department of Workforce Development reported what workers in Wisconsin already knew: Employment in the state was falling like a heifer dropped from an airplane. According to DWD, Wisconsin lost 72,500 private-sector jobs in the past year, causing the unemployment rate to leap to 7.6% – up 2.7 percentage points from last January. These unemployment numbers simply codified the pain families across the state are feeling as their loved ones struggle to cope with losing their jobs.

In the midst of the sagging job market, however, there is one sector that appears to be recession-proof. According to the DWD, while the private sector was hemorrhaging, government increased by a shocking 900 jobs. That\’s right – the same people who are supposed to turn this economy around haven\’t actually felt any of the pain. While families across the state are learning to cope with job loss, our government has circled the wagons to protect their own – demonstrating that they just don\’t get it.

The fact that the government continues to grow in a terrible economy actually explains the government\’s misguided response to the recession. Elected officials believe the salve for an ailing economy is to simply do what they know how to do best – continue to add more government jobs. They look at private-sector job loss as evidence that the private economy cannot be trusted to employ people on its own, and they are doing their best to shift jobs back over to the government dole. According to the nonpartisan Wisconsin Taxpayers Alliance, fringe benefits for public employees run 50% higher than those in the private sector – so taxpayers will be asked to subsidize more expensive government jobs while they\’re losing their own.

And, thus, the regular carpenters, electricians and plumbers must pay for the continued excesses of all levels of government. According to the Federal Reserve, Americans lost 18% of their net worth in 2008, for a total loss of $11.2 trillion. Yet Gov. Jim Doyle\’s proposed state budget incorporates $2.2 billion in new taxes, including massive new taxes on the same businesses that represent our only hope of boosting employment in the state. These punitive taxes are meant to close a $5.9 billion deficit created by our elected officials, who now must face the consequences for spending well beyond taxpayers\’ ability to pay.

The growth in government jobs as incomes in the state recede further explains the fiscal dreamland in which our elected officials continue to reside. Minimum wage hikes, climate change regulations, sick leave mandates and higher job taxes all will serve to purge employees from business payrolls. Amid the squealing of public school teachers, the obeisant Doyle has vowed to eliminate the qualified economic offer, which guarantees teachers a 3.8% pay and benefits increase every year. Teachers complained about their pay being too low -think there\’s any recently laid-off employee of Harley-Davidson who wouldn\’t saw off his left leg for a QEO about now?

If you like the way Doyle and the Legislature have run the state government into the ground, you\’ll absolutely love it when they detonate your place of work. If they\’re half as effective at immolating the private sector as they have been in ruining government, then you can look forward to being dependent on an underfunded government program in no time.

And if our elected officials continue to pad their own jobs while costing us ours, it might be time to make them wait by the phone.

Christian Schneider is a senior fellow at the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute.

Again, I have to apologize for not being very active on the \’ol blog here.  For those who want to read what I\’ve been up to, check out my nerdy posts over at the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute Blog.  People seem to have figured out that I\’m just buying time on this blog by adding videos, but I actually have been writing elsewhere.

Also, on Saturday I\’ll be at the Americans For Prosperity \”Defending the American Dream Summit\” in Milwaukee.  Due to the multiple restraining orders filed against me, it is as yet unclear which breakout session they will have me speaking to.  But it will be at 3:15.  I\’ll update here if necessary.

On Sunday morning, I will be on \”Sunday Insight with Charlie Sykes,\” so tune in to that.  I\’m thinking pink tie, but I can be dissuaded.

Finally, my wife has alerted me to the fact that at her work, someone has begun writing a newsletter called the \”Latrine Ledger\” and posting it in the bathroom stall.  My column with them will be starting next week.  Unfortunately, in order to read it, you will have to go to my wife\’s office and sit on the women\’s crapper.  From what I understand, there have already been complaints about the Ledger\’s liberal bias, but their expose on the dangers of using hand dryers while talking on your cell phone was top notch.

Oh, and last thing – I was scheduled to give a speech to the Conservative Young Republicans of Milwaukee this week, but I got bumped for Joe the Plumber.  My brush with fame.  I\’m sure we\’ll re-schedule for another time when such a high-powered national celebrity isn\’t in town.

I mentioned a few months ago that one of my favorite things to do was to go to used bookstores and just browse around the old books there.  I don\’t even necessarily intend to buy them most of the time – I just like the look and the tactile feel of used books.

But there is a downside to spending a lot of time browsing through books for more than 10 minutes.  Your neck starts to hurt like hell.  Since books are stacked horizontally, you have to crank your head to the right, nearly touching your ear to your shoulder.  And after a while, it feels like your head might get stuck there permanently.  I\’m sure people have needed years of physical therapy to correct this chiropractic disaster.

So here\’s what I\’ve come up with:  If I ever own my own bookstore, we\’re going to have movable carts that customers can lie on horizontally, and my dedicated workers will push them around to look at books.  Naturally, the carts will expand or contract in order to accomodate the height of the shelf.  As usual, blended fruit drinks will be available for an additional cost.

Here\’s the first schematic of my invention that I\’ve drawn up.  The \”customer\” is represented in this blueprint by actor Pat Harrington Jr., otherwise known as the plumber \”Dwayne F. Schneider\” from \”One Day at a Time.\”  I thought this made the drawing a little more realistic, since I can\’t think of any reason why he wouldn\’t be a regular patron.

Or I could just stack the books vertically, I suppose.

Jack Bauer is going to tie global warming to a chair and shock its nipples with a lamp cord until it stops.

On Saturday night, my buddy Barrett and I went to the UW-Madison union to see a band called Explorers Club.  He liked this band so much, he had their album \”Freedom Wind\”  on his Top 10 best albums of 2008 list (which can be heard on the podcast we recorded).  They sound a great deal like the Beach Boys – and by \”a great deal,\” I mean \”exactly like.\”

This kind of makes them difficult to judge as a band – I mean, their album is really, really good.  But how many demerits do you issue them for sounding exactly like another band?  In some respects, every artist steals a certain style from someone else.  But this is SO blatant it\’s distracting.  On the other hand, they\’re stealing harmonies from one of the greatest bands of all time and making them their own, which is a technical achievement in itself.  Look – here\’s the deal – we can go around and around all night on this, or you can just start making me a sandwich.  Your pick.

The band is a bunch of young guys from South Carolina, so you can imagine their disappointment at the front row of their show being populated by a bunch of 30-something dudes.  I would think they probably don\’t make much money (and what they do make, they have to split seven ways), so the only benefit they get is the occasional starry eyed college girl.  While most of the guys in the band take turns singing, there\’s one guy who is clearly the \”lead\” singer.  But it was weird, because he tucked himself all the way in the corner, and his microphone was turned way down.  It was almost as if he were embarrassed to be the lead singer, which was ridiculous, because he could really, really sing.

So, of course, after the show (and a few beers), I accosted this guy.  I told him he needed to get out of the corner, turn up him microphone, and be the damn lead singer of this band.  There may have even been some finger wagging involved.  I pleaded with him to have more confidence in himself, because he\’s a great singer (he also happens to be kind of a chubby guy, so he may not believe in his ability to be a front man).  I am 98% certain he thought I was hitting on him.

At the end of the evening, we ended up destroying some French toast (pardon me… \”freedom\” toast) at Perkins.  (Me and Barrett – not me and the guy from the band.)  Like Grandma always said, there is no sadder place on earth than Perkins at 2 AM.

Anyway, here\’s a live-ish performance of  \”Don\’t Forget the Sun,\” by Explorers Club:

I believe the guy at the end is from this classic:

For the past couple weeks, when you clicked on the link to listen to the Charlie Sykes radio show online, you have been randomly greeted with a video ad for some hippie pet store in Milwaukee.  In the ad, this store pitches organic and natural dog food, what they claim leads to \”less stool.\”

This completely confuses me.  If the dog is eating just as much, where does the stool go?  After a week, is your dog going to weigh like 900 pounds when it retains all this magic food?  Should I be willing to pay extra for a constipated pooch?

I also thought it would be funny if this were a big selling point for how humans pick their food.  You\’d walk into a Mexican restaurant and when the waiter came over, you\’d be like, \”boy these enchiladas on the menu look good… how much stool am I looking at with those?\”

As it turns out, there are dog food brands nationwide that promise low stool counts for your dog.  There\’s a 98% chance this is a total scam, similar to the movie \”Envy\” when Jack Black\’s character makes millions of dollars selling \”Va-Poo-Rize,\” an aerosol that makes dog poop disappear when you spray it.

The aforementioned Milwaukee store cautions strongly against buying dog food from companies that actually advertise:

Don\’t let Cable Stars that have no idea that some ingredients in \”their pet food\” create life barriers, convince you \”their pet food\” is healthy.

I\’m not exactly what constitutes a \”life barrier\” for a dog, since it\’s not like your dog is sitting at home on the computer all day watching his 401(k) go up in flames.  I think any animal that has the ability to lick itself pretty much loses the right to complain about any obstacles it may be facing in life.

Today, I got an e-mail from some marketing firm with the following subject:

\”create e-mails people will want to open.\”

I didn\’t click on it.

At the behest of my friend Jay, I finally watched the documentary \”Man on Wire\” last night.  And it is fantastic.  (It won the Oscar for \”Best Documentary,\” I believe.)  It\’s about Frenchman Philippe Petit, who in 1974 walked between the Twin Towers on a cable for 45 minutes before police threated to grab him with a helicopter.  But the movie is actually more of a crime caper, as it details the whole process of smuggling all their equipment to the top of the World Trade Center, then pulling off the stunt.  It really is remarkable.

Anyway, here\’s the trailer.  And if you have Netflix, the movie is available for the instant online viewing option.