It appears that I\’m getting a lot of sympathy due to Jessica Alba\’s appearance in this orgasmic pro-Obama video. (See: Sykes and Shark and Shepherd)

While it\’s flattering to be recognized as the state\’s leading Albatist, (Albologist?) her support for Obama in no way changes things between us. In fact, had she shown up in a pro-McCain video, you may never have heard from me again, as I would have suffered a heart attack. After all, this is the woman who chose to star in \”Good Luck Chuck\” – is that supposed to be a sign of her judgment? As they always say, true love knows no ideology. Or stalking, for that matter.

Clearly, I think the thing with Jessica that gets overlooked the most is her impending virgin birth. I don\’t see any way she can be pregnant, since she has yet to respond to my hundreds of e-mails – many of which contain tastefully done photographs of me re-enacting scenes from \”Three\’s Company.\”

It appears that my Mr. Furley scarves may have gone to waste.