Christian Schneider

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Author: Christian (page 14 of 81)

Doyle’s Death Row Conversion

As expected, Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle officially announced yesterday that he wasn’t going to seek a third term in office.  Doyle’s NSFW poll numbers clearly hastened his departure, but in yesterday’s speech announcing his decision not to run, he offered up a new reason he was leaving:

When I first ran for governor in 2002, Jessica and I assumed that if I was fortunate enough to be elected, it would be a two-term commitment. As I have thought long and hard about this decision, I have come back to this starting point. As much as I love the job, as hard as I work at it and as much as my team and I have to contribute in a third term, I believe that a governor should limit him or herself to two terms.

This is the norm in this country. The President and most governors are limited to two terms by law. Most others have followed tradition. It has largely been Wisconsin’s practice over its history. I am already the longest serving Democratic governor and by the end of my term will be the second-longest serving governor in Wisconsin history.

So now, Doyle is apparently a proponent of term limits.  Two terms, to be exact.  This is, of course, after Doyle served three terms in a statewide capacity as Attorney General.  Clearly, term limits weren’t a consideration when he could actually continue winning.  When his term expires in 2010, Doyle will have spent a total of 20 years – nearly a third of his life – in statewide office.

So Doyle and his wife Jessica decided in 2002 that he would only serve two terms.  Maybe someone should call homemaker Joanne Schalch of Middleton, who gave Doyle $50 on June 6th of 2009, to see if Doyle let her in on the plan he hatched with his wife seven years earlier.  Maybe Rolen Womack of the Progressive Baptist Church in Brown Deer would like to know that Doyle accepted his $100 contribution on June 2nd of this year, despite having this supposed fundamental belief in only serving two terms.  In fact, one can go down the list of any of the $891,136.13 in contributions Doyle has accepted during this election period and wonder – If he was so committed to term limits, why did he raise $1 million over the last three years?  Why was he still raising money a month ago?

The answer is simple – this alleged term limit pact with Jessica is pure B.S.  In fact, Doyle’s terms were going to be limited, all right – by the voters of Wisconsin.  This miraculous death row conversion is merely an attempt to convince us that Doyle is adhering to some larger heartfelt principle, rather than what we know to be the case – that his disastrous stewardship of state policy has made him virtually unelectable.

So if we take the Governor at his word, all the regular folks who donated their money to Doyle were lied to.  Unfortunately, politicians don’t come with a money back guarantee.

Jim Doyle’s Democratic Successors: Who Got the Gravy?

So by now, you’ve heard the big news of the weekend. I hit my first career home run in my softball league, and the new season of Mad Men started.

Oh, and there’s the other minor news – apparently, Wisconsin will have a new governor in 2010. (Yawn.)

wisconsin-governor-jim-doyleFor months, political observers had been wondering whether Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle was going to run for a third term. It now appears that he is not. As much as Republicans hate to hear it, Doyle will go down as one of the most successful politicians in state history, at least from an electoral perspective. He went 5 for 5 in statewide races, and never lost an election for anything at any time.

His actual achievements are a different story, however. Doyle routinely broke promises to veto tax increases, drove the state into larger and larger structural deficits, and handed out enough special interest favors to his donors to make anyone paying attention want to take a shower. When elementary school students read about Wisconsin history 50 years from now, they won’t be reading about a single achievment of the Doyle Administration. (Assuming kids in 50 years know what “reading” actually is.)

On Saturday, my e-mail inbox began filling up with conservatives celebrating Doyle’s exit from Wisconsin politics. I got e-mails boasting that it’s a “great day to be a Republican” and wishing Doyle “good riddance,” and offering me “natural male enhancement.” (Wait – on second thought, I requested that last one. Strike that one.)

I would offer this advice to people who think Doyle’s exit means a conservative renewal in Wisconsin:

Pump your brakes.

On Saturday, the Republican task of taking back the East Wing in Wisconsin actually just got a lot harder. Presumably, Doyle looked at his approval ratings, which placed him firmly between “amputation” and “cellulite,” and decided to spare himself an electoral defeat next year. It got to the point where Doyle actually probably needed to get his picture taken with South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford to improve his public image. (Doyle currently only enjoys high approval numbers from the much sought after “Spanish train builders looking for sweetheart no bid contracts” demographic.)

whogotthegravyNow, instead of facing a badly damaged Doyle, Republican hopefuls Scott Walker or Mark Neumann will have to face a fresh Democratic face – take, Congressman Ron Kind, for example (see below.) Plus, Doyle could move on to a new position where he could do more damage to the conservative cause than he can as Governor – for instance, if President Obama chooses him to replace retiring Judge Terry Evans on the Federal 7th Circuit Court.

While 2010 could certainly trend more to the GOP, winning the governorship is not a lock, by any means. Remember – Wisconsin hasn’t elected a Republican Governor since 1998, 12 years before the 2010 election. Wisconsin hasn’t voted for a Republican presidential candidate since Ronald Reagan in 1984. So while some see an opportunity to run against a non-incumbent as a boon to Republican candidates, it also so happens that the incumbent was a millstone around the neck of statewide Democrats.

That’s not to say that the presumptive Democratic candidates don’t have shortcomings, either. And since speculation is really the most fun part of politics, here’s a list of the frontrunners for the nomination, with a brief summation of their pros and cons. In accordance with accepted practice among political scientists, their chances of electoral success are graded relative to a scale devised by rap group Digital Underground, from their classic 1998 CD “Who Got the Gravy?”

Congressman Ron Kind:

With Doyle’s resignation, Ron Kind immediately becomes the Democratic frontrunner for the nomination. (He’s been fundraising for a while in the event Doyle bowed out.) First elected to Congress in 1996, he’s a handsome, articulate Harvard graduate that positions himself as a moderate, working with conservatives like Paul Ryan on things like farm subsidy reform. Despite representing a swing seat in Congress, no Republican has even gotten a whiff of beating him in his six elections.

rod_kindlerOn the other hand, Kind currently has the word “Congressman” in front of his name, which isn’t exactly a selling point these days, given how the U.S. House has immolated itself on the national stage. Even Rick Pitino must be saying “man, those guys really screwed up.”

So don’t be surprised if Kind attempts to erase any public record that he ever served in Congress. His staff is probably going door to door, ripping his page out of Wisconsin residents’ Blue Books as we speak. Visitors to his official congressional website will be surprised to know that they’re now represented by a guy named “Rod Kindler.”

I imagine Kind’s announcement ceremony going as follows:

Reporter: “Congressman Kind, can you explain to us the thinking behind the House voting initially for rewarding banking executives with stimulus money?”

Kind: “Look, I’m no hayseed, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of this ‘Congress’ you guys keep talking about. Have I mentioned that I like donuts?”

Regardless, Kind remains the odds on favorite for the Democratic nomination. In fact, had he run in 2002, he would have beaten Doyle in the Dem primary.

Verdict:

RON KIND GOT THE GRAVY.

Lieutenant Governor Barb Lawton:

lawtonLawton’s candidacy is only appealing to those confused by the fact that she currently has a position with the word “Governor” in the title. In related news, I have a t-shirt that declares me “FBI: Female Body Inspector,” which I think qualifies me to run the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Lawton’s candidacy is a punch line to any political observer that has seen her in action over the past seven years. She believes government runs on rainbows, hugs, and patchouli.

Doyle probably has to be reminded once a year who his Lieutenant Governor actually is, as he has relegated her to talking about the arts and pushing for some goofball legislation that purports to pay women equal money for equal work (as if nobody’s thought of that in the past 30 years.) Fairly ironic, since Lawton earns $70,000 a year to do essentially nothing.

The good news is that Lawton’s brand of liberalism doesn’t have any appeal beyond the borders of Dane County. Democratic voters, smart enough to recognize that they actually need to win this election, will politely decline her invitation to hug it out.

Verdict:

BARB LAWTON MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT GOT THE GRAVY

Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett:

For as long as America has been a democracy, candidates have told voters they’re “fighting for them.” In Tom Barrett’s case, it is literally true. We all hope he gets better as soon as possible, as he is currently sitting in a hospital room recovering from a heroic lead pipe beating he suffered while trying to save a Milwaukee woman from an assault.

Assuming Barrett recovers fully – and we all certainly are praying that he does – this assault might be something that would appeal to voters. Everyone likes a hero. Many candidates have ridden lesser feats of heroism into office. Plus, people might be afraid that if they don’t vote for him, he’ll punch them.

On the other hand, Barrett already tried his hand at running for Governor in 2002, and was met with indifference by statewide voters.

Verdict:

TOM BARRETT GOT HEROIC, BUT REHEATED, GRAVY

Senate Majority Leader Russ Decker:

Through the miracle of modern technology, I was able to actually record Russ Decker’s brain waves regarding his decision on whether to run for Governor:

“So I’ve been busting my tail for the people in the state senate for 20 years, and some kook like Barb Lawton is actually mentioned as a more viable candidate for governor than I am? I’m the freaking Senate Majority Leader for Christ’s sake! I’m the second most important Democrat in state government – and as much as I’d love to run for Dave Obey’s congressional seat when he retires, everyone knows that bearded skeleton is only leaving Congress feet first. He’ll probably serve until he’s 132.
But what if people start figuring out that my fingerprints are all over this most recent disastrous budget? Aren’t I culpable for the huge tax increases and future deficits this budget creates? Are voters really going to elect someone that’s saddled with all the same baggage that Jim Doyle carries around?

And how is it that Pizza Hut keeps coming up with new pizzas to sell us as ‘specials,’ when they’re all essentially the same ingredients?”

(Sorry, I didn’t turn off the thought transcriber machine in time.)

Verdict:

RUSS DECKER GOT MORE GRAVY THAN PEOPLE THINK

State Senator Jon Erpenbach:

I just wanted to see “Governor Erpenbach” typed out to see if it made me laugh. Mission accomplished.

At this writing, in an attempt to boost his name identification, Erpenbach is wandering around downtown Madison, looking for someone to beat him with a pipe. Plus, he’d have to take too much time out of his job stocking shelves at Woodman’s grocery store in Madison to run for Governor.

Verdict:

JON ERPENBACH GOT NO GRAVY, BUT KNOWS WHERE THE GROCERY STORE STOCKS IT

Of course, with an incumbent leaving, there’s always the chance that someone from the crazy wing of the Democratic Party determines all the Dem candidates are too moderate (read: electable) and decides to run.

Verdict:

CRAZY DEMOCRATS DON’T EVEN GOT VEGAN GRAVY

On a somewhat serious note, it is sad to see Doyle exit in a state of such ignominy. Here’s a guy from a political family, whose mother served in the Assembly and whose father once ran for governor himself. And yet he so befouled the state’s finances, he really has no choice but to quit. While seeing the state in such financial disrepair may turn out to be electoral gold for the GOP in the upcoming elections, rooting against a governor of either party is rooting against Wisconsin – hopefully, a position our state doesn’t have to face in the near future.

-August 17, 2009

Venue Specific Lovin’

One of the questions I get the most from people is “where is your office?”  You see, my employer’s main office is in the Milwaukee area, but we have an office set up here in Madison, right off the beltline.

When I try to explain to people where it is, I name a couple places that are nearby, and usually get blank stares.  Then, I say “it’s right over by Selective Video,” and they go “ahhhhhh….”

Selective Video is a porn shop tucked away in a valley just off Todd Drive near the beltline.  While nobody will ever admit to going there, everyone seems to know where it is.  Their motto: “We Never Close.”

Needless to say, being so close to an adult entertainment establishment, I’ve seen some pretty sketchy things going on in the parking lot.  Occasionally, some old, fat, bearded farmer type will pull up in a pickup truck, get out, walk over to another car where a comely young lass is sitting, they will talk for a few seconds, then they will both get back in their respective cars and drive away together – presumably to the same destination to engage in sweet, heartfelt, intimate $25 lovemaking.  In the back of their cars.

But here’s the question I have – why would these people choose the parking lot of Selective Video for their illicit dealings?  I mean, they could literally meet anywhere.  There’s a Culver’s right across the street – why not meet up there?

Does it just “seem right” to meet in the parking lot of a porn shop?  Does the venue make the meetup somehow more appropriate?  One would think that if cops were looking to shut down such behavior, they’d just sit in a car in a porn store or strip club parking lot and bust people seeking a low-dollar tryst.  So wouldn’t it make more sense to meet at Target, for instance?

Maybe they think meeting johns in porn store parking lots is way too obvious – so they figure the cops give them a lot of credit for their brains and instead set up sting operations at Rocky Rococo’s.  Almost reverse psychology.  Or maybe cops just like super slices.  Who knows.

In any event, I’d be shocked if stores like Selective Video stay in business much longer.  The internet just has to be killing places like that.  Why go by a video in a store you can get for free-ninety nine online?

I think I just answered my own question – the internet doesn’t have parking lots.

My Son is Officially Now the Kid From Jerry Maguire

My poor little 3-year old son is recovering from a double ear infection, with a side order of fever.  So the other night, I decided to sleep on a mattress on the floor next to his bed, just in case he needed anything.

After what seemed like just a couple minutes after I dozed off, I felt a little hand poking me in the head.

“Dad.  Dad. DAAAAAAAD!

I looked up, and his head was peeking over the corner of the bed.  “What, buddy?”

“Dad.  Dad. Babies have to take little bites of food because they don’t have any teeth.”

“Okay, buddy – let’s try to get some sleep – you need to rest because you’re sick.”  He laid his head back down, and I started to doze off again.  Then I felt the poking again.

“Dad.  Dad. DAAAAAAAD!

“What is it this time, buddy?  Are you thirsty?”

“Dad.  When it’s light outside, grass is light green.  But when it’s night, grass is dark green.”

I realized this was going to go on for a while – and bear a striking resemblance to some of the hazy, smoke-induced discussions I had with college roommates.  So I got up and got him some water, hoping that might make him sleep.  Then I went back to bed, secure in the knowledge that babies take small bites because they have no teeth.

He’s fine now, thanks for asking.

The Power of the Pen (and Why Property Taxes Might Not Be So Bad)

See that pen on your desk? Right over there, by the stapler. As it turns out, that pen is one of the most powerful instruments you can own. The U.S Constitution was written with a pen. Lincoln freed the slaves with a pen. Most importantly, some girl in middle school probably broke your heart when she used a pen to check the “NO” box in response to your sweaty “Do you like me?” query.

In fact, while Wisconsin state government-related interest groups spend millions of dollars on lobbyists to influence lawmakers, that pen on your desk is the most influential implement in state government. It is the entire reason we structure our Wisconsin state and local governments in the manner we do.

Wisconsin residents pay all kinds of taxes. They pay income taxes (which are usually automatically deducted from their paycheck) or sales taxes (which are automatically added to their purchase), or corporate taxes (which are passed through in the form of higher prices.) Yet with all the billions of dollars in taxes Wisconsin citizens pay, one particular levy stands alone in its repugnance. It is the property tax.

Poll after poll demonstrates that Wisconsin residents object to paying the property tax more than any other tax – even if, say, their income tax liability is greater than the amount they pay in property taxes. But it’s all money, after all, so why is paying property taxes so much more painful?

The answer has to do with the physical way in which each tax is paid. When we pay property taxes, that pen must come off the desk and sign a check over to the government. Rather than automatically handing money over to the government, paying property taxes is a proactive endeavor, usually involving the clenching of teeth, irritability, and alcohol consumption.

The painful act of writing a check to the government has far-reaching consequences. For decades, Wisconsin politicians have been myopic in their quest to relieve the property tax burden on individuals. In 1995, Governor Tommy Thompson sent an extra $1 billion to local school districts to buy down the property tax levies around the state. Governor Jim Doyle’s special commission on school funding suggested raising the sales tax in order to replace a portion of the unpopular property tax. Legislative Republicans fought a bloody internecine war in an attempt to pass the Taxpayers Bill of Rights in an attempt to hold down property taxes. Their Democrat colleagues have spent years pushing a plan to exempt a portion of residential property from having to pay taxes. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Clearly, state government is dedicated to keeping you from having to pick that pen up off your desk. But this raises a provocative – and in Wisconsin, almost unspeakable – question:

What if property taxes are the best way to tax?

I recognize that even asking such a question will go over about as well as a complete sentence at the Country Music Awards. But what if there is a case to be made for more reliance on the property tax, and less on income, sales, and corporate taxes?

Obviously, lower taxes and lower spending would be the ideal goal. But if we have to choose one tax over the other, which one does the most good for the economy?

In 2006, conservative Mount Rushmore occupant Milton Friedman re-stated his long-term opposition to taxes, but said “The property tax is one of the least bad taxes, because it’s levied on something that cannot be produced — that part that is levied on the land.”

In other words, taxes on income, sales, and corporations depress activities that are beneficial to a robust economy. They punish work, job creation, and production – all things necessary for the creation of wealth in society. Naturally, the more you tax these activities, the less of them you get – which causes big trouble when the economy starts to recede.

In this month’s Atlantic Monthly, New America Foundation fellow Reihan Salam picks up on this idea, and proposes ending all taxes except for the property tax:

“Chronic revenue shortfalls have crippled local governments ever since, leading to heavier reliance on punishing state income and sales taxes. What if the problem isn’t the property tax at all but rather, well, all other taxes? In 1879, Henry George, a brilliant if slightly crankish autodidact, published Progress and Poverty, a scathing polemic that blamed all economic ills on the private ownership of land. A staunch believer in laissez-faire economics, George found it perverse that we tax productive activities like work and innovative investment while letting landowners grow rich simply because they scooped up property at the right time. In that spirit, George called for a “Single Tax” on the unimproved value of land. There’s a certain compelling logic to the Single Tax that stands the test of time. When you tax income, aren’t you punishing people for working hard? But when you tax an asset like land, you’re simply encouraging the most valuable use of that land.”

In Wisconsin, local governments have levied property taxes since before the state even became a territory in 1836. (It was probably around that time that profanity was invented.) In 1842, Governor James Doty called property taxes “unequal, illegal and highly oppressive.” Wisconsin wouldn’t become a state for another six years.

Since then, one of the primary focuses of the state government has been trying to keep property taxes down. In 1911, when the state began levying an income tax, state government immediately began sending funds to local governments to offset reliance on the property tax.

In the most recent state budget, 55.3% of the state’s general fund appropriations go to local governments for the purpose of holding down property taxes. But this creates an enormous accountability gap, which would be eliminated if the state got out of the business of funding local governments.

Imagine the plight of the typical property taxpayer. If they want to complain about their taxes being too high, they go to the local governments, who blame the state government for not giving them enough money. When they complain to their state legislators, they point out that local governments set property tax rates. Both levels of government blame each other, spending continues to go up, and taxpayers receive no answers.

Shifting taxation to the local level also would benefit civic participation. Studies have show that as more government decisions are moved up to the state and federal levels, the more citizens tend to disengage from civic involvement. When the state takes over more and more of the decision making for schools, fewer and fewer local residents bother to go to school board meetings. When the state micromanages local city, village, and town budgets, fewer people engage in municipal politics at the grassroots level, where decisions are made that most closely affect those constituents.

If state sales and income taxes were cut, and programs like shared revenue reduced (which sends nearly $1 billion per year to local governments) there would be more accountability in how tax dollars are spent. Yes, property taxes would go up to make up for the lost state aid – but then, citizens would be able to more directly affect their tax level and how those funds are spent at the local level.

Furthermore, property taxes are assessed on those that have wealth. They are not necessarily progressive, as everyone in a taxing jurisdiction pays the same rate – but they certainly aren’t as regressive as sales taxes, which force low income people to pay a larger percent of their income to buy things. People that own property tend to have money – and those people may actually do well under a scenario where income taxes are cut and the property tax increases.

Property tax opponents (read: everyone) would argue that property values don’t relate to income – that some senior citizens may be low income, but have a very high value home that they, say, bought for cheap on a lake 50 years ago. Thus, increasing property taxes would hurt those people, as they have little income and high property values.

These individual examples may exist, but in the aggregate, income and property wealth are tied fairly closely.

The following chart compares property values to income in Wisconsin’s 426 school districts. As can be seen, there is a tight correlation between how much people make in income (as reported to the State Department of Revenue) and their property values (as reported to the Department of Public Instruction.) There appear to be about eight outliers – school districts with high property values and low incomes – but several of these are special districts. For the other 418 districts, the more they make, the more in property value they have.

data_chart

Clearly, relying more heavily on the property tax and less on the sales and income tax would be taxing people with more means. Furthermore, reducing sales, income, and corporate taxes at the state level would be rewarding activities that would get the economy moving once again – more incentive for job creation, for advancing in one’s career, and for purchasing goods to aid in business development.

A plan to shift taxes away from economy-boosting activities and on to property taxes has some perils, however.

First, such a plan would need the state’s finances to be somewhat in balance to work. As it is, the state’s structural deficit stands at $2.2 billion going into the next budget. In other words, the state could shift $2.2 billion in spending onto the property tax in the next two years, without having cut a single cent from the sales, income, or property tax. Consequently, there wouldn’t be any stimulation to the private sector – merely an enormous property tax increase without any economic benefit.

Furthermore, shifting taxation from state to local taxes would make it more expensive to own a home. But the plan would have to come with commensurate reductions in other taxes, which could more than make up for that extra expense. If lowering business and income taxes has the stimulative effects that can be expected, more people will have better jobs, make more money, and pay less in income taxes – to the point that it may supersede the increased cost of a home. And for those with low incomes, programs such as the Homestead Tax Credit can be reconfigured to give the largest relief to those who need it the most.

Maybe shifting taxation away from the productive activities that drive our economy would get the state roaring once again. Maybe it would force us all to live in caves. But it is certainly a discussion that will never occur at the Capitol, where “we’ve always done it this way,” seems to be the most influential argument made by lawmakers. And certainly, in a climate where upwards of 80% of citizens are in favor of freezing property taxes, a shift to local control seems about as likely as state legislators turning the Capitol into a bed and breakfast. (Even if a plan included a commensurate sales and income tax cut.)

But we shouldn’t let an arbitrary thing like how we physically pay our taxes get in the way of how we should more equally distribute taxation for the purposes of bettering our state. In fact, perhaps the state could set up a program to pay property taxes automatically out of paychecks, which people don’t seem to mind – as long as it’s out of their sight.

Just don’t stab me with your pen.

-July 30, 2009

Wisconsin: Separating Teachers From Results

This weekend, news broke that Wisconsin may not be eligible for certain federal education funds because of an interesting law on the state’s books.  Under Wisconsin law, teacher pay cannot be influenced in any way by student test results – meaning, the amount we pay teachers are legally not allowed to have any relation to how much their students are learning.  This may effect the state’s eligibility for $4.3 billion in federal “Race to the Top funds,” which will be distributed to the states “with positive records of what the [education] department considers school reform as well as plans for additional improvement.”

According to Chapter 118.30(2)(c) of the Wisconsin State Statutes, “the results of examinations to pupils enrolled in public schools, including charter schools, may not be used to evaluate teacher performance, to discharge, suspend or formally discipline a teacher, or as the reason for the nonrenewal of a teacher’s contract.”

Laws such as these that provide a firewall between teachers and student performance recently came under fire by President Obama’s education secretary, Arne Duncan.  In an interview with the New York Times, Duncan specifically singled out Wisconsin for having such a law on the books:

“Believe it or not,” Mr. Duncan said, “several states, including New York, Wisconsin and California, have laws that create a firewall between students and teacher data. I think that’s simply ridiculous. We need to know what is and is not working and why.”

In fact, this issue was the subject of a WPRI report released in May by researchers Mark C. Schug Ph.D. and M. Scott Niederjohn Ph.D.  Among their research and recommendations two months ago:

These effects can serve as measures of performance in performance-based compensation programs. To the extent that value-added testing does provide valid and reliable measures of performance, the argument for traditional salary schedules is nullified…

As indicated in our survey, many Wisconsin school districts have moved to embrace new trends in testing. Nonetheless, the Wisconsin Department of Public Instruction has been slow in providing leadership in this regard. While the DPI has taken some positive initial steps toward a statewide value-added assessment system-including the development of a statewide data system, working with outside consultants to consider growth-oriented models and forming a technical advisory committee-Wisconsin lags behind many states in the implementation of new value-added testing methodologies. Wisconsin is far behind in experiments regarding pay-for-performance for teachers.

[…]

The state Legislature should act now to abolish statutory provisions that disallow the use of results from state testing in teacher evaluation. At a time when many districts have begun to use testing programs that go beyond the WKCE-CR, it makes little sense to prohibit them from taking into account the information they obtain from these programs in their evaluations of teachers’ effectiveness.

Of course, NOW people will start to listen, since there’s a dollar sign attached to the recommendations.

As it turns out, State Senator Randy Hopper (R-Fond du Lac) and State Representative Brett Davis (R-Oregon) are drafting legislation to allow the use of student testing data when determining teacher pay.  They believe such a change could mean up to $612 million more in federal funds for Wisconsin.

Governor Doyle, on the other hand, believes the state already qualifies for the funds – despite being called “ridiculous” by the guy actually handing out the cash.

The Death of a Joke

On Saturday night, the wife and I took a rare opportunity out of the house together to see “(500) Days of Summer,” a movie that’s gotten pretty good reviews.  It’s actually much better than I expected – but at one point I yelped loudly, as the movie killed one of my go-to jokes.

At one point in the movie, the main character (played really well by Gordon Joseph Levitt) looks to his little sister for advice on how to keep his girlfriend.  And his sister warns that his girlfriend will probably leave him for “a guy with a face like Brad Pitt and Jesus abs.”

As it turns out, when I’m in church, I often look at Jesus on the crucifix and wonder how he got such a six-pack.  And when I tell people this, it tends to get a few chuckles.  I have a whole bit about how I’m thinking of going on the Home Shopping Network and selling the Jesus workout video and such.  In fact, just one week ago I regaled my softball team with the whole schtick. It was a reliable go-to bit.  Maybe not riotously clever, but subversive enough to garner some nervous laughter.

And now, it has to be retired forever because of that stupid movie.  People will think I just stole it.  From now on, any jokes I think of, I will have notarized, just so people will believe me.  And I will carry this piece of paper around in my wallet, right next to my picture of Mary Lou Retton.

(Note to self – get the Mary Lou Retton joke notarized.)

As if that weren’t enough, the movie also features a Smith song that I JUST LAST WEEK linked to on Twitter. (Do yourself a favor and watch it here.) Granted, laboratory tests have proven it to be their best song, so it makes sense that the writers would use it.  But the coincidences are starting to pile up.  Now people will even have trouble believing that I came up with the whole idea of setting the move “Titanic” on a boat.

Anyway, for my own selfish benefit, I hope you don’t go see the movie.  But it is pretty good.  Here’s the trailer:

You need to a flashplayer enabled browser to view this YouTube video

McDonald’s Employees: An Appreciation

As a society, we have all sort of cultural touchstones that we use to explain how something is extreme.  Generally, there are words or terms that immediately describe how something is the best, worst, biggest, etc.

For instance, when someone deigns something the most evil thing in the world, they call upon the thing we all agree is the representation of all that is vile: Hitler.  You may hear people say things like, “that woman behind the counter at the DMV was like Hitler,” or “only Hitler would oppose gay marriage,” or the very popular, “dude, your balls smell like Hitler.”

One of these cultural touchstones we have is McDonald’s.  Generally, we use Mickey D’s when we’re trying to describe the shittiest job imaginable.  Parents across the world warn their children that if they underachieve, start drugs, or get pregnant at a young age, they will suffer the most degrading fate possible – having to work at McDonald’s.  It’s the one universal concept in the world – even kids in Bangladesh behave themselves for fear of having to one day fry burgers at the Golden Arches.

And that’s why I think McDonald’s employees deserve more credit.  They make crap money, and they have the one job that everyone universally agrees is the worst imaginable job in the world.  They slave over hot grease and have all these food Hitlers trying to convince people that the burgers they make are a secret plot to kill minorities.  (See what I did there?)

And I don’t even know how McDonald’s ended up in the crosshairs.  The Big Mac is like a piece of celery compared to the euthanasia burgers they serve at Burger King.  In 34 states, it’s illegal to carry a concealed Taco Bell grilled stuf’t burrito.  But for some reason, it just seems that people have it out for McDonald’s and that’s that.

So I salute you, Golden Arches employees.  Sometimes, you even get my order right.  You deserve more than the universal scorn of the world.  You keep the economy moving, you pay your taxes, and your extra large straws make the Coke taste even better.

And as long as we’re at it, I propose ditching all of these words that people have grown accustomed to using to make a point.  Like when people say things are selling like “hotcakes”  I have yet to see any instance where there was a shortage of hotcakes due to their overwhelming popularity.

A Perfect Representation of My Golf Game

As I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog, I play in a Monday night golf league.  (I would mention what place I’m in, but let’s just say I don’t want to jinx it.)

On the seventh hole of the course where we play, a family of foxes live.  And when we congregate after our rounds to drink beers, someone inevitably has a story about the foxes – 90 percent of which are apocryphal.  It’s always like, “man, one of the foxes ran off with my ball,” or “my ball went into a fox hole,” or”one of the foxes cooked me up a hamburger,” or some such nonsense.  80% of them are good stories, most of them are 100% false.

But this week, we had a guy walk up to his ball, only to see one of the foxes hovering over it.  After a few seconds over the ball, the fox quickly ran off.  (Presumably, it wanted to catch some of the Sotomayor hearings.)

When he walked up to his ball, the guy saw this horrific sight, and took the following picture.

\"foxjuly2009\"

Yes indeed, the fox dropped a deuce on his ball.  Well not ON, but close enough.  Apparently, he was allowed to take an unplayable lie.

And as it turns out, given my score, I did the same thing on the course that the fox did.  Only metaphorically.

Bring on the Stats Nerds

“The Milwaukee Brewers’ Ryan Braun is the best young hitter in the major leagues.”

Utter such a sentiment among casual baseball fans, and you’re likely to get some nods of agreement. Braun, after all, had the second most home runs in baseball history after two seasons, ahead of legends like Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams, and Babe Ruth.

Make a claim to Braun’s greatness over at the Baseball Prospectus website, however, and you may need to put on a helmet to absorb the punishment you’ll likely take.

You see, they’ve developed a statistic they call VORP (Value Over Replacement Player) that statistically measures a player’s value relative to an average player at their position. According to this formula, Braun currently ranks 12th in the National League, even behind his own teammate, Prince Fielder.

For the better part of a decade, the Internet has been swamped with rabid armies of statistics nerds who live to debunk common perceptions about the value of baseball players. These basement number-crunchers find poetry in statistical analyses, creating formulas with names like VORP, Win Shares, PECOTA, WHIP, and OPS to give the public a true representation of whether players are actually doing their jobs.

The irony, of course, is that these unpaid baseball stat wonks conduct these complex statistical analyses for an industry that merely serves as entertainment. Despite the very real pain Brewers fans felt over the team’s 26-year absence from the playoffs, baseball statistics don’t really mean anything in terms of how we live our lives.

And yet there are armies of statisticians, spending days on end working for free, analyzing the sport inside and out to give us an accurate look at what works and what doesn’t.Now, compare this to the world of things that actually do matter in our lives—say, government programs. Federal, state, and local governments vacuum money out of our wallets on a daily basis to pay for expensive pet programs—most of which never receive any meaningful performance review.

Where is the army of stat dorks telling us, for instance, whether the billions of dollars taxpayers pump into agricultural subsidies actually do any good? Where is the hot new statistical formula that gives us a more accurate look at whether the state paying billions of dollars for government employees’ retirement benefits actually aids the taxpayers who fund them? Does paying the teachers more money lead to a better educational experience for our kids?

All of these examples seem to be taken as gospel by Wisconsin politicians. But how do they know?

The answer is simple—they don’t want to know. They avoid hard statistical analysis like vampires avoid garlic.Politicians earn re-election by telling stories. Stories of how supposedly underfunded our education system is. Stories of how if one more butterfly gets the flu, our delicate ecosystem will collapse due to lack of environmental programs.

Numbers, statistics, and serious research have no place in our Legislature, where re-election is priority number one. Unbiased facts just spoil the fairy tales our politicians tell us. For instance, explaining to legislators that raising the minimum wage actually increases unemployment would be like telling your kids the story of how Sleeping Beauty contracted cold sores from Prince Charming.

Of course, the Legislature employs the Audit Bureau, an impeccable service agency dedicated to rooting out fraud and waste in state government. But oftentimes, the LAB is directed to do studies ordered by the Legislature merely to make it look like elected officials are doing something about a problem.

When the Audit Bureau does release studies that make recommendations to better a state government program, they are almost always ignored, as if they were a pretty girl at a Star Trek convention.

The underlying dynamic of state government isn’t helping people—it is simply maintaining its own inertia. Our governments exist to keep themselves alive and growing, and the less scrutiny they receive, the better their chances of doing so.

It’s as if government is an 18-wheeler, barreling down the road uncontrollably, with deep-rooted special interests at the wheel. Studies conducted by the likes of WPRI and the Legislative Audit Bureau can serve as a GPS navigation system for this out-of-control semi, steering it where it needs to go to truly benefit the people it purports to aid.

Until then, as if it were a baseball player with a low OPS, state government will continue to flail wildly at the plate, extending Wisconsin’s losing streak. Let’s just hope the stat nerds catch on before our fans all give up, relocate, and find a new team to cheer.

Podcast: Trenni Kusnierek of the MLB Network

\"\" On this edition of the podcast, I talk to Wisconsin girl Trenni Kusnierek of the MLB Network about Michael Jackson, ShamWow, men’s hair coloring products, whether it’s news if athletes cheat on their wives, what the most aerodynamic sausage is, and why Leslie Visser is the Mother Theresa of sports reporting.

A quick note – as I mention in the podcast, I still can’t seem to figure out my stupid recording program.  So there’s a small lag between our conversations, and a bit of an echo on her end for the first half of the interview.  But don’t let it dissuade you – it’s not that big of a deal.  And I promise I’ll have it worked out by the time I interview my next WORLDWIDE celebrity.  (Probably President Obama at this pace.)

Enjoy, and have a listen here:

[audio:/podcasts/Kusnierek070709.mp3]

(If you want to download it, right click here.)

Finally, a Politician Telling it Like it Is

People who know me well know my affinity for crazy people who run for political office.  Thus, I was excited to be introduced to Montana crazyperson Bob Kelleher, who last year ran for U.S. Senate as a Republican against Democrat Senator Max Baucus.

Listen to Kelleher\’s radio ad regarding abortion – and let it wash over you with awesomeness:

[audio:BobKelleher-Abortion.mp3]

Did he just mispronounce \”fellatio?\”

And here\’s an example of Kelleher\’s strong television presence:

You need to a flashplayer enabled browser to view this YouTube video

And, in fact, Kelleher even had folk song written in his honor and featured in this bizarre web ad, which stars people with giant eyebrows photoshopped on to their heads:

You need to a flashplayer enabled browser to view this YouTube video

God Speed, Bob Kelleher.

Getting to First Base With My Readers

There are plenty of wonderful “old guy” things technology is obliterating.  For instance, back in the day I had mastered the art of the mix tape.  You’d go get a blank tape, pull out all your CDs, and spend hours recording just the right mix that you just knew was going to make a specific girl instantly fall in love with you.  Or, at the very least, give you a little awkward over the shirt action.

The rules for mix tapes were varied.  Nothing too scary, nothing too wussy.  In his book “High Fidelity,” author Nick Hornby laid out some of the guidelines:

“You’ve got to kick off with a corker, to hold the attention, and then you’ve got to up it a notch, or cool it a notch, and you can’t have white music and black music together, unless the white music sounds like black music, and you can’t have two tracks by the same artist side by side, unless you’ve done the whole thing in pairs, and… oh, there are loads of rules.”

In any event, I probably made a hundred mix tapes in my day.  Each delicately suited to whatever girl would eventually never speak to me again once receiving the tape.  But these days, there are no tapes.  And CDs are just about extinct.  So how do horny boys try to lure the ladies?  How do you get a girl to listen to a song that you’re absolutely sure is going to make her understand the turmoil in your heart (and pants?)

I think I have the answer.

Dear reader, in order to thank you for coming to this blog and to show my appreciation, I have made you a mix tape and put it here on the blog.  This is someone therapeutic for me, as I love combing through my music collection and crafting just the right playlist.  Hopefully, after listening to this first one, you’ll hop on your bike and we’ll ride together down to Open Pantry and share an Icee.

If there were a general theme for this first one, it would be singer/songwriter type stuff, since that just happened to be what I started picking out at random.  And I even kept it to the usual 74 minute CD length, too.

[audio:/podcasts/MixTape1.mp3]

(To download the full file, subscribe to the podcast on the left, of right click here and choose “Save As…”)

Listen here, then e-mail me to tell me when you’re available to make out.

1. You Should Know So Well – Sondre Lerche
2. Beard of Bees – Clem Snide
3. Kind/ Brutal – The Heligoats
4. Finch On Sunday – Horse Feathers
5. If You Go – The Explorers Club
6. Put A Penny In The Slot – Fionn Regan
7. Streetlights – Josh Rouse
8. In the Bathroom – Trouser
9. Furr – Blitzen Trapper
10. Remember – Figurines
11. Jesus The Mexican Boy – Iron & Wine
12. Cursed Sleep – Bonnie “Prince” Billy
13. In Brilliance – Hutch And Kathy
14. Let’s Get Out Of This Country – Camera Obscura
15. I Am John – Loney, Dear
16. 3 Rounds and a Sound – Blind Pilot
17. Happiness – Elliott Smith
18. Sweet Sunshine – David Mead
19. Bookworm – Margot & The Nuclear So & So\’s

Desecrating a Sacred Institution

I’m no fan of bachelor parties.  I wasn’t even into them all that much when I was single and it was more socially permissible to be in a strip club.  This largely stems from the trauma I suffered from going to my uncle’s bachelor party in Vegas when I was 23, while my dad was there.  We were equally as uncomforable – and I had to pretend like I never set foot in such an institution in my life:

“MY GOODNESS, WHAT IS THIS MYSTERIOUS PLACE?  MA’AM, ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU ARE NOT WEARING A SHIRT? YOU COULD CATCH A COLD, YOUNG LADY!”

In any event, my sister in law is getting married this weekend, and I was invited to come to my future brother in law’s bachelor party.  Some bowling, the Madison Mallards baseball game, and chicanery after that.

It only took a few minutes for me to realize that bachelor parties aren’t quite what they were in the old days.  They have been altered irrevocably by technology, and for the worse.  I am talking, of course, about the prevalence of cell phones.

Now, when you go out to a bachelor party, every guy has a camera phone and text messaging ability.  This changes everything.  Back in the day, it was always understood that whatever happened at a bachelor party stayed between the attendees.  No more.

Now, any time anything of note happens, guys are either taking pictures or texting details to their girlfriends.  Even worse are the married guys (me included) who don’t give a crap, so they’re drunkenly willing to share details with the world within seconds.

For instance, I left the party at about 9:30 on Saturday night (we had been going since 1:00 that afternoon, so I thought I had put in some solid time.)  On the way to finding a cab, I ran into the bachelorette party, who happened to be out downtown at the same time.  I was peppered with questions about what had gone on:

“I heard someone got thrown into Lake Mendota.”  (Indeed, they had.)

“Why did you make the groom wear that giant yellow foam rubber cowboy hat at the baseball game?”  (Indeed, we had.)

And so on and so forth.

So here’s a lesson to those of you who have tricked some crazy woman into marrying you.  When you have your bachelor party, all the phones go in a box – not to be touched by their owners until the party is over.  No pictures, no texting, no tweeting, no phone calls.  They all must be incommunicado for the entirety of the event.  And as a thank you for this tip, you must also invite me.

As a side note, one of the attendees at the bachelor party covers the Twins for the Minneapolis Star Tribune.  He actually wrote about his experience at Warner Park on his blog here.  He also happens to be a super cool dude, despite having to cover the Twinkies.

Your Official “Public Enemies” Review

For months, people around Wisconsin have been anticipating the opening of the summer blockbuster “Public Enemies.” A large chunk of the movie was shot here in the Dairy State, and our tax dollars subsidized filming it to the tune of about $5 million.

Seeing as how we are a full service free market think tank here at WPRI, I used this specious connection to go see the movie to determine whether it was tax money well spent.  I feel I am doing a public service to the taxpayers to report on the fruits of their generosity (and, I admit, I was excited to see if I knew anyone in the movie, and I have an unnatural man-crush on Christian Bale.)

I was actually surprised that they made me pay for a ticket, seeing as how my tax money has made me a co-producer of this film.  In fact, I’m still waiting for my director’s chair and bullhorn, and anticipate they will show up at my house any day now.

So here’s the quick synopsis of the movie:

It’s bad.  Really, really bad.  Closing in on awful.

It is apparent that about 20 bucks of our $5 million was spent on a script.  The movie meanders along, without any interesting dialogue or insight.  At 2 hours, 15 minutes, it’s about 45 minutes too long.  Johnny Depp, who plays John Dillinger, seems almost to be embarrassed to be in the movie at all.  Characters talk to each other with canned speeches that don’t even approach plausibility.  By the time the inevitable end came, I had checked my watch about 10 times.

Perhaps the most grating aspect of the movie is Oscar winning French actress Marion Cotillard, who attempts to speak English without a heavy French accent.  It comes and goes, which is interesting, considering she’s playing a character who’s half Indian and who grew up in Wisconsin.

In fact, isn’t there a big movement up at the Capitol to prevent the state from contracting with foreigners for government business?  There were a hundred American actresses that could have played that part – we should crack down on the OUTSOURCING OF OUR ACTRESSES! (Holding hand over heart while the Star Spangled Banner plays in the background.)

For me, the only cool parts of the movie were the ones that took place in the Capitol, where I worked for 8 years.  I immediately picked out the North Hearing Room, where a lot of the partisan caucuses used to take place.  And I got the chills when the characters walk around the inside the Capitol.

I certainly don’t mean to dissuade anyone in Wisconsin from going to see the movie, especially if you recognize some of the sets in Columbus, Oshkosh and elsewhere.  But it really is a crushing disappointment.  I am amazed that big budget movies this bad can actually get made.  But who cares if Wisconsin taxpayers are out $5 million for a terrible movie?  SOME PEOPLE GOT TO WAVE TO JOHNNY DEPP!

In fact, conservatives have an opportunity here – if government-subsidized movies are this bad, imagine how bad government health care will be.  If people draw the connection, single-payer government health plans will be dead within a week.

In this most recent budget, Governor Doyle scaled back the film tax credit to $500,000.  It’s a good thing for supporters of the credit that he did so before seeing “Public Enemies.”  If had seen the movie in advance, he may have actually started charging movies to film here.

Perhaps most importantly, why didn’t anyone tell me that this guy from “Dazed and Confused” was in Wisconsin filming the movie?

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