Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Category: Collection (page 3 of 3)

This One’s For the Ladies: The Crazy Days of the Milwaukee Does

Lately, the viability of women’s basketball as a national sport has been in question.  America’s basketball league for women, the WNBA, is foundering financially.  Propped up for more than a decade by the NBA, attendance is nearly nonexistent. (If Osama bin Laden wanted to guarantee he’d never be found by U.S. authorities, he could just regularly attend Atlanta Dream games.)  Some teams have outright folded, while other teams have resorted to playing in casinos and turning their uniforms in corporate billboards.  It appears the league is on its last legs.

\"\"The prospects for a viable women’s basketball league in America weren’t always so dour.  In 1978, the first wave of young girls reaping the benefits of federal Title IX legislation began to grow up, and sought a place to continue their athletic careers. (This was only a couple of years before Sarah Palin started showing off her fresh moves for the Wasilla High girl’s basketball team.)  During this period, women’s basketball specifically was at a high point, with the U.S. women winning a silver medal in the 1976 Olympics in Montreal (finishing second only to the powerful Soviet Union team.)

This provided the impetus to start the what is believed to be the first Women’s Professional Basketball League (WBL) in 1978 – and Milwaukee was at the forefront of the movement.  At the time, Brew City was a basketball hotbed – Milwaukee was only a year removed from Marquette’s national championship, and the Bucks had lost in the Western Conference Semifinals the year before. The Milwaukee Does (obviously a play on the “Bucks” of the NBA) were one of the league’s founding franchises.  In fact, the WBL’s first game was played before 8,000 fans at the Milwaukee Arena, with the Does losing 92-87 to the Chicago Hustle.

Even in its nascent days, the WBL carefully cultivated its image for the American public.  Despite being 40 percent African-American, black players were rarely seen in league advertising and promotional items.  The players’ sexuality was often used in an attempt to draw viewers.  Even the Milwaukee Does’ logo featured a mascot in short shorts sticking her tail invitingly in the air. (Sadly, the Milwaukee Bucks were never able to capitalize on the raw sexuality of Paul Mokeski.)

\"\"Perhaps the most stark example of the league selling sex to draw viewers was demonstrated by comely 1979 league co-MVP Molly “Machine Gun” Bolin of the Iowa Cornets.  Bolin, an Iowa schoolgirl legend and teenage mother who once scored 83 points in a high school game, also sought to be the league’s pinup girl.  She caused a controversy around the WBL when she posed for a Farrah Fawcett-like poster that featured her in short shorts and a mini-tank top, obviously an attempt to catch the attention of more male fans.  Later, Bolin appeared in a poster in which she menacingly toted a machine gun while wearing her Cornets uniform.

(Bolin was coached in the WBL by former Marquette standout Dean Meminger, and the Cornets franchise was owned by George Nissen, who owned a trampoline business.  Nissen purchased a customized $30,000 Greyhound bus for his players that he called “The Corndog.”)

(Editor’s note – in the ‘70s, you couldn’t be considered a super babe until you showed up on a poster.  Certain women became household names solely because of their presence on high school boys’ walls.  We need to bring back the babe poster, for the sake of our youth.)

The league’s attempt to sell its players’ sexuality had a flip side, as well.  Many franchises went to great lengths to hide the fact that their players were lesbians.  It is undeniable that lesbians played a historically vital role in promoting women’s basketball. Yet in 1978, America obviously wasn’t nearly as accepting of homosexuality as it is now.  When the WNBA’s Sheryl Swoopes announced in 2008 that she partook of the Love that Dare Not Speak Its Name, it was about as shocking as Dwyane Wade announcing he’s black.  (That doesn’t mean that the WNBA isn’t still trying to shake the perception that its players and fans are lesbians – some teams in the league still won’t do the popular “kiss cams” on their jumbotrons for fear that young fans might actually see women kissing. Which is really the only reason people still get Cinemax.)

But in 1979, gay female basketball players weren’t accorded the privilege of living their lives in the open.  In “Shattering the Glass: The Remarkable History of Women’s Basketball,” authors Pamela Grundy and Susan Shackleford detail the travails of Mariah Burton Nelson, who was released from the San Francisco Pioneers for merely attending a gay pride parade.  She never played regularly in the league again.

\"\"As the authors point out, the WBL was a double-edged sword for these players: it gave them the opportunity to do what they loved for a living, but at the cost of having to publicly hide who they really were. (Semi-interesting trivia: the Pioneers were partly owned by Alan Alda.)

Despite the excitement over the first league game in Milwaukee, the Does remained mired in the league’s cellar for their two years in the league.  In 1978-79, they went 11-23, following up with a 10-24 season in 1979-80.  For a portion of the second year, the team was coached by Larry Costello, who also coached the Bucks in their inaugural season, winning an NBA championship with the team in 1971.  Costello later resigned, saying he wasn’t being paid by the franchise.

Yet despite being the home to minor stars like Olympians Anne Meyers and Nancy Lieberman, the league struggled mightily to draw fans.  It didn’t help that reporters were banned from locker rooms (since they were almost always male), leading many to simply ignore the league altogether.  Meyers, with the richest contract in the WBL at $100,000 per year, would later garner media attention for attempting to try out for the Indiana Pacers of the NBA.

During the league’s first two years, several teams folded in mid-season, as franchises were hemorrhaging money.  The league’s players were subjected to long bus rides, empty arenas, and their paychecks bouncing.  The Does attempted to fold in the middle of the 1979-80 season, but the league deemed them too important to fail, so the WBL came up with money and new ownership to save the franchise.

But it wasn’t enough.  The Does folded after the ’79-80 season, and the WBL as a whole lasted only one season beyond that.  The league’s financial troubles came to a head in 1981, when members of the Minnesota Fillies walked off the court in Chicago to protest the fact that they weren’t being paid.

It didn’t help that the WBL suddenly faced competition from the Ladies Professional Basketball Association (LPBA), which stole a chunk of the WBL’s market and players even as their teams were already struggling financially.  Bolin took her 32.8 points per game to the Southern California Breeze of the LPBA, which agreed to pay her the princely sum of $30,000.  Ironically, the LPBA folded after only a few games, and many of its players returned to the WBL.

The league finally closed its doors after the 1981 season.  As it turns out, the Does ended up being groundbreaking in one respect – they donned uniforms of purple and forest green well before the Bucks changed to those colors in the 1990’s.  In fact, the Bucks have recently begun holding “basketball basics for women” seminars featuring former Does player Joanne Smith.**  (Bucks fans are hoping the team changes these seminars into tryouts, as the Bucks badly need a shooting guard.)

As for the WNBA, their league is learning many of the same lessons taught to us by the WBL.  It appears the market for professional women’s basketball hasn’t grown, even with the substantial financial backing of the NBA.  (And, presumably, because not enough of their players have been posing with machine guns.)

For more information on the WBL and Milwaukee Does, check out the WBL Memories Webpage and  “Shattering the Glass: The Remarkable History of Women’s Basketball,” by Pamela Grundy and Susan Shackleford.

Postscript: My friends and I have always had debates about whether it’s better to date a girl who knows a lot about sports versus one that knows nothing. (An argument stated magnificently by Davy Rothbart in this GQ column.)  I’ve always believed I’ve been more compatible with girls who didn’t know anything about sports. (Actually, I couldn’t be very picky – I generally decided I was “compatible” with a girl if she had a pulse, more than three teeth, and wasn’t on parole.)  It sounds great in theory – having something as important as sports to relate to with your girlfriend – but isn’t it nice if your significant other has the ability to make you a more complete person by illuminating new areas of your life?

 

McGwire, McGwire, Pants on Fire (Jan. 12, 2010)

If a guy walks into a bank and steals $100 million with a gun, he goes to prison.  If he steals it with a syringe, apparently all he has to do is shed some tears and all is forgiven.

Yesterday, Mark McGwire sat in front of Bob Costas for an interview in which he admitted what he had denied for nearly a decade – that he used steroids and human growth hormone during his record-setting major league career.  (In other equally shocking news, Liberace announced yesterday that he is still dead.)

During the Costas interview, McGwire kept repeating how much he’s wanted to come forward and admit his “mistake” ever since his disastrous testimony before Congress in 2005.  Yet he has only come forth because he’s been offered the opportunity to be the St. Louis Cardinals’ hitting coach.  Apparently this desire to come clean wasn’t quite strong enough until Tony LaRussa offered him a job. (Incidentally, LaRussa is the only one in contention with Barry Bonds for the title of Biggest A-hole in Baseball.”  You’d be better off having Kim Jong Il vouch for you.)

McGwire would have you believe that this whole ordeal is all about him – how hard it has been on him to hang on to this “secret,” how hard it was to tell his son and father, etc.  But it stopped being about him a long time ago.  He’s hoping people view his steroid use a victimless crime – a mere boneheaded youthful transgression that allowed him to heal his bad back.  (“OOOPS!  Sorry I accidentally erased all your record books, baseball!  My bad!”)

But McGwire’s steroid use has a further reach than he apparently can grasp.  For one, he is a common thief.  Records show that McGwire made approximately $74.7 million in baseball salary in his career – over 2/3rds of which was earned after he is alleged to have taken steroids to repair his bad back.  Without them, he could have easily been out of the game. (See 1991, when McGwire played in 154 games, yet hit only .201 with 22 home runs – numbers that couldn’t get you playing time as a Brewer middle infielder.)

Those salary numbers don’t even include endorsement money, which could easily have doubled his income.  And it’s safe to say that the lion’s share of it was earned because of his use of illegal performance enhancing drugs.  That’s money that comes out of the pockets of fans, who believed that what they were seeing on the field was a genuine artifact.

Furthermore, what’s being lost in all the steroids talk is that what McGwire did actually altered the competitive balance of the game. (And yes, this also goes for everyone else that was doing steroids at the same time.)  But games were won and lost because of steroid use, which made major league baseball a contest of test tubes, rather than hard work and skill.  Won/loss records are sacrosanct in sports – it’s all they have to separate themselves from scripted events like “Jersey Shore” episodes.  (The only place on TV where you might be able to see more steroids in use than on a baseball field. And that’s the SITUATION.)

(Incidentally, I said the same thing in 2007 about the Brewers signing steroid user Eric Gagne.  Gagne stole our money by signing a contract based on fraudulent numbers. And I thought it should have been obvious that Fernando Vina was on the juice – nobody can maintain such a perfect goatee without performance enhancers.)

So if you want to have sympathy for anyone, have sympathy for the fans of teams who lost because McGwire was hitting 15% more home runs in a year than anyone had before.  Have sympathy for the marginal player who couldn’t get a major league contract because of McGwire’s bloated salary.  Have sympathy for the family members of Roger Maris, who were used as pawns in the great McGwire/Sosa charade of 1998.  Have sympathy for Milwaukee’s favorite son, Hank Aaron, whose records have been wiped off the books for good.

I’ve heard some people argue that McGwire should be given sympathy because his tearful apology seemed so much more genuine than Alex Rodriguez’.  Unfortunately, we don’t judge the validity of baseball records based on the activity of a player’s tear ducts.

But what’s truly sad is that Big Mac still clings to the chimera that steroids didn’t help him hit home runs.  This fallacy is only believed by the people who are still running around the globe looking for Barack Obama’s birth certificate.

It appears that Hall of Fame voters have taken the common sense approach and seem poised to ban McGwire from the Hall for life.  They could build three more Halls of Fame and McGwire wouldn’t get in.  He says he regrets playing in the “steroid era,” apparently oblivious to the fact that he helped create the era. (Conceivably, no players could be inducted to the Hall of Fame for 10 to 15 years, given the fact that they shared the “era” with Bonds and McGwire.)

So we get that McGwire is sorry.  But is he sorry enough to give back the $100 million he stole from us?  Is he sorry enough to decline entry back into the game as a hitting coach?  Is he sorry enough to have his numbers wiped from the books or to suffer the consequences for criminally taking illegal substances?  I think we know the answer.

This Involves Me… How?

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, my almost-4 year old son is still pretty little.  The doctor did a “bone scan” or something on him, and it said he had 2 year-old bones.  (Which sounds like what you get if you overdose on Viagra.)  Our pediatrician, who is a really nice woman, said this was pretty normal for a late bloomer.  She thinks he’ll grow to normal size (he’s three apples high, like a smurf) by the time he’s in high school.

But we took him in for a checkup today, and the discussion about his height took a bizarre turn.  Somehow, she started asking questions of me, and whether I was a late bloomer.  It went something like this:

Doctor: “So Chris, were you a late bloomer?”

Me:  “Yeah, I was always pretty small for my age.”

Doctor: “So, in the early years of high school, you got picked on a lot, teased quite a bit for being small?”

Me: “Uhhhhh….”

Doctor: “So puberty was a little late for you, you didn’t start seeing changes in your privates until 13 or 14?”

Me (squirming): “Uhhhhh….”

Doctor: “So, you started shaving late, maybe your voice didn’t change until junior year or so?  It’s harder for boys to tell, because they don’t have a period.”

Me: “Let’s just say I would consider myself to be a late bloomer.  And that’s pretty much it.”

I mean seriously, WTF?  How did this checkup for my kid somehow become about me?  Should I have started asking her about when she grew into womanhood?  This seemed to be a little too much of a one-way conversation.  Now, having to re-live being picked on in high school is going to force me to see a completely different doctor.  ObamaCare better pay for my f’ing therapy.

(Side note: As it turns out, I was always the smallest kid in my class.  In 3rd grade, I was constantly beat up by a roving gang of older girls in my elementary school.  My entire life has been devoted to showing those girls that they didn’t get the best of me.  And that I don’t smell like poop, as they claimed without having any evidence.)

I Never Had a Chance

A brief moment of self-indulgence, if I may…

My wife asked me to look through some of my old medical records, to see if my growth pattern matched that of my son.  (I was always little, as is he.)  When I started digging through my old records, I found a gold mine of old test scores, report cards, and teacher comments from when I was between seven and twelve years old.  And it’s unbelievable.

I always knew I aggravated my parents – nary a weekend was spent without being grounded in high school.  But I was always smart – I destroyed every standardized test they put in my way from the age of five until I took my SATs (we didn’t take the ACT in Virginia, where I went to high school.)  In 5th grade, I made it to the state spelling bee (competing against kids that were, in some cases, two years older), and almost made it to the national bee in Washington, D.C. (When I missed a word, it resulted in me ripping my contestant number card in half, throwing it on the stage, and storming off in tears.  I think my parents let me get all the way to the parking lot before they finally got out of their seats to come get me, thinking people wouldn’t know I was their kid if they waited a couple of minutes.)

But my grades were another matter.  Let’s just say… I was a little disinterested in schoolwork.  And reading first hand accounts about exactly how lazy I was is chilling.  And gives me a new perspective on how frustrated my parents must have been.  For instance, I was seven years old when a teacher wrote this about me:

“Chris has an inquiring mind. He is extremely verbal and can communicate on an adult level. Though he is an avid reader, he becomes impatient with tasks that require him to do research. He enjoys assignments which challenge his creative abilities in the arts. I believe with maturation, he will be able to attend to tasks which require academic input at a higher level of thinking.” – Mrs. Toma, 1980

Even spookier is how teachers essentially foretold what I would be doing now, at age 36.  It\’s almost as if my life were pre-programmed at age 8:

“Christian is an extraordinarily witty and creative child. His abilities of elaboration, fluency, and flexibility apply to his performances in figural tasks and in verbal tasks. Christian however does not work up to his ability because he lacks self-discipline. Frequent incomplete assignments result from his inability to concentrate and persist on tasks that do not interest him. Christian\’s behavior is also very dependent on the reaction of others. Christian needs regular stimulation of his creative abilities and positive structuring of his intellectual program.” – Nancy Gerke. June 1981

In 5th grade, my favorite teacher was Mr. Kliener.  He was a cool guy – yet secretly, that bastard was stabbing me in the back with his letters to my parents.  I was 9 years old when he wrote this:

“Chris is extremely bright, creative, and energetic. He is in the ACE (gifted) program. He constantly needs to be challenged and channeled. In writing, he is inventive, creative, but unsound mechanically. He is outstanding on the computer and has one at home. He enjoys creative dramatics as he enjoys having an audience for his antics. Any B’s on his record probably would have been A’s were it not for unproductive behavior. Chris loves brain teasers, puzzles, and word play. He is excellent in Art. Please consider for placement in any enrichment programs available. Thank you.” – David Kleiner, March 1983

Exhuming my childhood may not have been such a good idea.  For one, it makes me want to call my parents immediately and apologize for what a disappointment I was for them.  I can’t imagine how frustrating it would be to have a kid who clearly has a high intellectual ceiling, but throws it all away. (If I were an 8 year old today, chances of me being diagnosed as ADD are about 98%.)  They saw a future doctor or a lawyer, while I clearly had other options in mind.

Plus, there’s the whole issue about whether my life has been predestined all along.  In my life, have the decisions that I’ve made actually made any difference?  Or was I always going to end up right where I am now, writing goofball blog posts and political commentary?  It’s a little harrowing to think that somehow, your life just followed a blueprint, rather than your choices making it what it is.  Given what was written about me, I have a hard time distinguishing 8 year old Chris from 36 year old Chris.  Have all my life’s experiences meant nothing?

(Boobs.)

Take Me Out to the Drunk Tank

True story: Last Brewer game I went to was on the same Sunday that an episode of “Sunday Insight With Charlie Sykes” on which I appeared aired.  So before the game, I sat and actually gave some thought about what I would do if someone recognized me.  I mean, if there are 45,000 people in the ballpark, at least some of them had to see the show that morning, right?  And what if someone sees me and wants to punch me in the nose?  Or call me a name?

So I spent a good 15 minutes thinking about whether I should wear sunglasses, or a floppy hat, or a fake mustache.  (Which, of course, would just cover my real mustache.)  As it turns out, I did none of the the above.

So we got to the stadium, and walked around the whole length of the concourse before we got to our seats.  And not a single person recognized me.  We sat down, and after a minute, I realized – this sucks.  So I got up again and walked the length of the concourse again.  Still nothing.  I probably would have actually welcomed a punch to the grill, because it would have meant someone watched the show (or wanted my jumbo pretzel really badly.)

The lesson, as always, is this: I am a moron.

No such problems tonight as my buddy Johnny Roast Beef and I went to see the Brew Crew take on the Cardinals.  We were way up in the nosebleeds, where I had no allusions of being recognized.  It\’s actually a scientific formula – the closer the seats get to the top of the stadium, the less likely the inhabitants of those seats are to watch political television.  Hell, once you get to the top 4 rows or so, those people are most likely unable to actually turn their televisions on at all.

In fact, the upper deck is always interesting, in that it attracts people who aren’t really there to watch the game at all.  They’re cheap tickets, probably given to them, and it gives them the chance to socialize and look at college aged girls who also aren’t there to watch the game.  And as is often the case, it gives men the chance to get completely bombed and scream obscenities at the top of their lungs, as was the case tonight.

There really is no way to describe the discomfort one feels in a section where some guy is hammered and yelling profane non-sequiturs for all to hear.  It\’s like finding a pubic hair in a giant bowl of potato salad – it ruins the whole thing for everyone.  There is no saving the game experience at that point.

On the way home, I spent the whole time thinking about what the rationale is for people getting drunk at sporting events.  Think about it – alcohol exists to take unbearable situations and make them somewhat more bearable (work picnics, meeting girls, parent-teacher conferences, etc.)  Why would you take an already awesome experience, like going to a Brewer or Packer game, and make it somehow less memorable by getting liquored up?

(Full disclosure – I once emptied the contents of my stomach onto the left field bleachers at County Stadium, but I had an excuse – it was after a work party, and someone made me try chewing tobacco for the first time.  I was 21, I think.)

Here’s where I get all metaphysical…

When you think about it, our memories are really all we have of sporting events.  Days later, you can remember being there to see specific great plays or watching your team win.  But if you get hammered, and can’t remember anything that happened during the game, then what’s the point?  You (may have) paid for a ticket, and (certainly) paid $6.00 per beer to get sloshed.  Since you don’t remember anything that happened, you could have done it at home for a lot cheaper.

So, anyway, back to these morons in our section.  From a young age, I have certainly known my way around a well placed expletive.  I am no stranger to the art of profanity.  But if you try to confront one of these drunks, then suddenly YOU become the bad guy, and a whole host of bad stuff can happen to you.  And if you don’t, then your daughter just thinks you’re a giant puss, and will probably need therapy for 15 years to find out why daddy couldn’t protect them from the angry man at the Brewer game.

So are fans getting more obnoxious?  I think they are, and I have a theory as to why.

I think it mostly has to do with new stadiums.  Let’s be honest – Miller Park exists to attract people who aren’t there to watch baseball.  In a perfect world, everyone would go to the park to watch the game, and County Stadium (and Bernie’s Chalet) could have lived on in perpetuity.  What’s going on in the concourse is irrelevant.  But in order to finance a modern team, you need to draw more than just baseball fans – you need other things (food, attractions, racing sausages) to draw people, and therefore increase revenue.

When you get a lot more people (which Miller Park has been wildly successful in doing), you get a lot more people who are interested in doing other things in the stands than watching the game.  This includes drinking, and drinking a lot.  Add to that the fact that tickets are more expensive now – so drunks believe they have a constitutional right to be as offensive as they want, considering they’re paying such an exorbitant amount for a seat.  They are unaware or disinterested in everyone else’s constitutional right not to be harassed by their drunk ass.  (Side note – neither of these are constitutional rights, in the way I believe we have a constitutional right to know what’s in the secret stadium sauce.)

On the other hand, the Two Fisted Slobber has been a source of pride in Milwaukee sports for as long as I’ve been going to sporting events.  So I could be full of it.

Other sights and sounds from the game:

At one point, they showed a man and a woman on the jumbotron, and the older man looked as if maybe he shouldn\’t have been there with the younger woman.  So Roast Beef and I debated \”what to do if the jumbotron catches you at the game with your mistress.\”  I thought you should immediately pull out your cell phone and pretend you\’re talking to someone else.  Roast Beef thought you should turn and kiss the man next to you, as if you mistakenly thought it was the kissing montage.

There was one guy there wearing a number 45 jersey that clearly had once been a Carlos Lee jersey.  But he took a black marker and added a few letters, making it the jersey of current number 45, Mike DifeLEEce.  (Although it is actually spelled DiFelice, I thought it was a game effort.  Cheap-assed, but game.)

I made the mistake of getting one of those Palermo’s pizzas at the game.  It was one of the worst things I have ever eaten.  Serves me right for getting pizza at a baseball game.  But aren’t ballpark pizzas kind of an advertisement for what a Palermo’s frozen pizza will taste like if you make one at home?  Now, I just know I can lick the inside of my toilet at home for free, instead of buying a Palermo’s frozen pizza.

I was really fired up for the game this week, since I watched an hour long special on the 1982 season on MLB Network on Sunday.  The look on Bud Selig’s face when the Brewers beat the Orioles on the last day to make the playoffs is priceless.  During the entire celebration, he’s holding this incredibly long cigarette with four inches of ash hanging off the end – like he’s auditioning for the role of The Penguin in a hypothetical 1982 Batman movie.  It really is priceless.

Also notable from that season is how skinny all the players were.  As a kid, I remember Gorman Thomas being this larger than life, Paul Bunyan-type figure.  But today’s players make Gorman look like Lance Armstrong.  He looks rail thin in the old films.  He’d probably be a weak hitting second baseman on most teams today.

I listened to the last two innings in my car on the way home, and heard no update on what happened to Ryan Braun after he got plunked.  Almost 45 minutes of radio, with my sanity on the line, and no explanation of why he left the game?  Come on, guys.

Also, another radio-related note: Why do labor unions advertise during Brewers games?  Are there really a lot of people on the fence about joining carpenters’ unions that will be pushed over the edge by a radio ad?  Seems they could reach their intended audience (all 10 of them) in a little more cost-effective way.  And if you’re a member of one of these unions who can afford these ads – dude, your dues are way too high.

I was trying to remember whether Frank Catalanotto had ever played for the Brewers before, but I was getting him confused with fellow journeyman Tony Graffanino.  At that moment, Roast Beef mentioned that they actually had Graffanino jerseys still for sale in the Brewers gift shop.  Seriously – how much would one pay for a Graffanino jersey?  I think you could actually pay in dance moves and you\’d be overpaying.

Just think – if Ryan Braun is hurt for any period of time, the Brewers could be trotting out a lineup that includes Craig Counsell, Frank Catalanotto, Jason Kendall, and Mike Cameron.  I’m starting to have flashbacks to the Monica Lewinsky scandal, as if it’s 1998 all over again.  If Bea Arthur hadn’t died a week ago, she’d be a lock to play right field.

Speaking of Monica Lewinsky, I just read the new book “American Icon” about Roger Clemens’ steroid use.  As is well known now, Clemens began dating 15 year-old country singer Mindy McCready when he was 28 and had 2 kids.  But there’s a story of how Clemens once flew her in on his private jet to go to a swanky New York party with him in 2004, and the party was attended by luminaries such as Monica Lewinsky and Michael Jordan.

Seriously – how bad has it gotten for Michael Jordan that he’s now going to parties that also have Monica Lewinsky on the invite list?  Should we start taking up a collection for MJ?  Have a telethon for him?  This outrages me more than the fact that Clemens was hosing a 15 year old.  Outrageous.

Cross Your Fingers and Hope for the Worst?

It was exactly at 1:11 PM on the afternoon of April 5, 2002 that State Senator Rod Moen wrote his own political obituary. On the floor of the Senate, Moen had offered an amendment to the 2002 budget adjustment bill that would have allowed a company in his district, Ashley Furniture, to fill in 13 acres of adjacent wetlands in order to expand their plant. Despite Moen’s own party controlling the Senate, his amendment failed, capping off what some considered a half-hearted effort on his part to keep jobs in his district. (A bill granting the wetlands exemption had passed the full Assembly nearly six months earlier, and Moen was never able to get it to the floor of the Senate.)

Fed up with state environmental regulation, Ashley announced on June 29th that it would be expanding in Ecru, Mississippi – costing Western Wisconsin 500 jobs. On July 3rd, the budget adjustment bill passed, with Moen’s provision included. But it was too little, too late. Moen’s provision was irrelevant, as the decision to move had already been made.

Behind the scenes, Republican staffers were joyous. This was, after all, a seat that was winnable for the GOP in November of 2002. Moen hadn’t had a serious challenge in a long time, and with the Ashley Furniture issue in their holster, Republicans dropped the issue on his head like a Steinway piano. Moen, a 20-year incumbent, lost the November election, helping Republicans gain control of the Wisconsin Senate.

Moen fouling up the Ashley furniture issue turned out to be gift for the GOP. But lost in the ebullience of the Republicans at the time was a sobering fact – 500 people had to lose their jobs for the GOP to pick up that seat. Basically, one party had to root for things to get really bad for Wisconsin in order to improve their chances of winning the next election. Such is the state of modern politics today.

***

It is now 2009, and Republicans have lost control of everything in state government, save for the Attorney General’s office. A recession is upon us, and Democratic Governor Jim Doyle has befouled the state’s fiscal standing. Doyle has done for the state’s finances what Vanilla Ice did for race relations in the United States.

Doyle’s Titanic-like captainship of the state budget, coupled with the current bad economy, has Republicans optimistic about winning the governorship in 2010. Unfortunately, for the GOP to have a good chance of winning, one thing has to happen.

Things have to stay bad. And if they get worse, even better.

Last week, I was talking to some Republican staffers about Governor Doyle’s proposed budget, which raises taxes by $3 billion, leaves enormous structural deficits, and is riddled with special interest giveaways. They all agreed they hoped it passed exactly as is – thinking there are enough politically damaging provisions with which to hang Democrats in the next election. Unable to actually change the budget in any meaningful way, the GOP political minds are actually rooting for liberals to overextend themselves. It’s like hoping your favorite football team loses the rest of its games so it gets a better draft pick.

Of course, this morose phenomenon isn’t exclusively a Republican one. It was in Democrats’ best interest for the War in Iraq to go as badly as possible (and it did, until it didn’t anymore.) The more the casualties piled up in 2006, the better chance Democrats had of taking over both houses of Congress – which they did.

In September of 2008, the John McCain presidential campaign was buoyed by a strong convention, briefly taking the lead in the polls over Barack Obama. Soon, however, the housing bubble burst, and McCain’s election chances went down the tubes along with the national economy. Claiming that the economy collapsing wasn’t politically advantageous for Democrats is like claiming horse tranquilizers aren’t advantageous to Paula Abdul.

As a result, the terrible economy that swept Democrats into power in 2006 and 2008 may also hinder their chances of keeping it in 2010. Basically, the GOP has to secretly root for unemployment to stay high for another year, in hopes of regaining control and making fundamental systematic changes that help unemployed workers in the long run. It appears that endless fruitless bailouts have fatigued voters, which may form a good platform on which the GOP to rebound.

The GOP is hoping short term pain brings long term gain. Let’s hope it doesn’t bloody Wisconsin’s nose irreprably in the next twelve months.

-May 4, 2009

The Power of “Hello”

Working in a drug store in high school wasn’t ideal, but it was a job. All my friends worked at cooler places at the mall – Orange Julius, the Gap, etc. I was stuck dealing with old ladies who needed my advice on what kind of enema to use (I told them that I preferred Fleet) and stocking the birth control aisle, wondering what apocalyptic chain of events would have to occur for me to actually need one of these mysterious products.

Despite my overall distaste for the job, my boss at the pharmacy taught me something important that I have carried throughout my life:

If you say hello to the customers, they’re much less likely to rob you.

It sounded dopey, but seemed to work. If potential thieves feel like they’ve made a connection to someone working in the store, maybe they somehow feel guiltier lifting product. Maybe it just makes them feel more like they’re being watched, so they’re less likely to take the risk. Either way, a little personal contact seemed to go a long way in keeping order in the drugstore. (Except for the people who flooded the store on December 26th, attempting to return their Christmas lights by falsely claiming the lights didn’t work. These people should have been imprisoned – instead, they usually got their money back, as long as they had their receipt.)

That was 20 years ago, before people began communicating with each other via e-mail, before customers began doing all their business online, and when you could still cook up a believable fake driver’s license in the basement of your friend’s older brother’s house. (Damn you, DMV, with your holograms!) These days, hardly anyone in the business world actually talks to each other anymore – and we’re all being robbed as a result.

You don’t have to go back too far to imagine what getting a mortgage used to be like. You walked into an actual bank and talked to an actual banker, who probably learned your name. When the bank decided you were worthy of receiving credit, they sat down and figured what kind of loan you could afford, based on your income. It was in the mutual best interest of both parties to make sure you got a mortgage you could repay – since the bank held your debt on their books, they had a vested interest in your financial well-being.

Fast forward to today’s home lending practices, in which customers are simply numbers on a page. The American economy collapsed in large part because financial institutions pushed unrealistic mortgages on individuals, packaged all these questionable loans together, insured them, and pushed the risk off onto others. Instead of being “Ed Smith, mortgage holder,” you simply became numbers on a roulette wheel – a wheel that came up double zero last year, wiping everyone out.

Of course, it is beyond Pollyannish to suggest we go back to the old days where your banker knew your name and held your mortgage locally. The profits allowed by technology are simply too great for financial institutions to pass up. But the theory still has credibility – people are much less willing to rip off people that they know personally. And as we become a more impersonal world, the opportunity to crudely take advantage of others grows exponentially.

Making the world less impersonal would mean somehow turning around the direction in which all of our social interaction is headed. In increasing numbers, people are segregating themselves politically. The internet allows individuals to read only the news that they agree with politically. Over the past several decades, people have grown less likely to join associations, attend church, form strong bonds with others at work, and become involved in civic events.* As a result, we don’t talk to each other anymore – interpersonal relationships have become antiquated relics of the past, especially with those who have different political ideologies.

This self-segregation has dire consequences. Last week, “comedienne” Janeane Garofalo appeared on MSNBC, accusing anti-tax protesters of being “racist rednecks.” She went on to accuse conservatives of having defective brains, which allows them to be brainwashed by Fox News. (The fact that Garofalo’s only meaningful paycheck (for her role on the Fox show “24”) is signed by Rupert Murdoch adds to the irony, and may be the reason she needed to disassociate herself from the network.)

There’s absolutely no doubt that Janeane Garofalo doesn’t know a single conservative. She lives in a bubble, in which ridiculing right-wingers is a sport, enjoyed by all her like-minded pals. When she derides half the country as “racist rednecks,” she’s not insulting a single person she knows personally – so she can continue with her crude, bizarre rant with impunity, cheered on by the equally insulated Keith Olbermann. It is completely foreign to her that regular, lunch pail-toting Americans might actually object to government taking more of their money and distributing it to wealthy investment banks and auto executives.

As technology and demographics continue to shrink our social circles, we face immense challenges. An impersonal society is one in which predators take more advantage of others, in which political discourse grows more crude and insulting, and in which the lack of civic involvement leads elected officials to rule with impunity. Maybe we should all just stop for a minute and say “hello.”

Then, our government might be less likely to rob us.

-April 20, 2009

*- Robert Putnam, “Bowling Alone,” Simon and Schuster, 2000.

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